Bob the Builder
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“I believe that this evil man is the one who built the chamber of secrets...”
~ Snape on Bob
“He still hasn't finished my en suite.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Bob
“Yes We Can!”
~ Barrack Obama on stealing Bob the Builder's theme song to use as his slogan
“...”
~ Gordon Freeman on Bob
Bob "the Builder" Jenkins aka Leon Kratolsvinski (born July 19th 1964-died September 24, 2007) is a world-renowned builder and children's television presenter. He is also related to Adolf Hitler. He was featured for three years in popular TV series "Bob the Builder", where he explored with his lovable talking machines, just what being a builder is all about. It was notable due to the large amount of dry humping.
Contents |
[edit] Bobography
[edit] Bob Begins
Leon Robert Theo Kratolsvinski was born in 1964 in a small town with an unpronounceable name, which sounds a bit like a gurgling koala, somewhere in Poland. (If you want to discuss the nomenclature of this insignificant village with your family or friends, 2 weeks on Sunday would be the perfect time.) Almost from birth, he was referred to by his middle names and his position (i.e. Robert Theo Toddler, or Robert Theo Student. Eventually this was shortened to Bob The Tot and Bob The Kid). In his earlier years, he developed friendships with inanimate objects that he swore talked back to him. One of which was a bulldozer he affectionately named "Molly." He attended the local Roman Orthodox Satanist Church School, where he learned about Hitler, and excelled in the Woodwork class.
Bob and Molly both decided to take over the world, just like Hitler. Starting with Germany... after lunch... maybe. However, Bob had to finish his degree in building, if he was going to be a able to build an army, and he sadly failed. Bob later said that that was his darkest time, and he did some things he now regrets with Molly. After gaining courage, Bob retook his degree, and built the now-famous Acropolis, noted for its extensive use of natural materials and the random disappearance of Mr. T. This time he passed, and was a qualified builder. It was now time to take over the world.
[edit] The Quest for World Domination
By 1984, Bob had built himself an army out of scrap metal and blue tack (through a method as seen on Blue Peter. He rode on Molly the bulldozer, forwards into Germany, his first target, however his army were confused by the thick accents and black forests, and were subdued. Bob, while he was in Communist East Germany, needed more money to repair his army, so he got a job as a labourer. He in fact used Molly to tear down the Berlin Wall. By the time Bob reached his 30th birthday, he was completely settled in Germany, all dreams of world domination forgotten. Then Germany got tough on immigrants, and he was deported. Molly, however, was allowed to stay, as they believed she was a German.
Sad and rejected, and worst of all, in Poland, Bob formulated a plan to get to Germany, steal Molly back, and then follow thousands of other builders to England. He smuggled himself into Germany with a very long tunnel, and came into Molly's new home. It was here that Bob's greatest blow was struck. Molly had been repainted, and was now called JCB. Molly said she liked her new life and didn't want to part with her JCB friends. As they said their last goodbyes, the German police came to take away the lunatic who was kissing the bulldozer.
[edit] Escaping The Mental Institute
During 1993, Bob was in a German mental institute, which is where his drug habits stemmed from. They used his constructional abilities to great use, as he built them a brand new gas chamber shower suite. However, the drugs were telling Bob to leave Germany and go to France. Using a friendly cell mate as a distraction (he raped a spoon), Bob escaped the mental institute, and caught a lift into France. That lift was with Lofty, who later starred in his show (before his suicide). In France, Bob rebuilt the Eifell Tower and the Louvre. Then, with his new friend Lofty, he set off underneath a container ship to sneak illegally into England and steal the English people's work...not that they're bitter.
[edit] Meeting Wendy J. Fucker
After setting up in a small English town, in Hampshire, Bob met a beautiful woman called Wendy, whilst repairing a roof tile. She was a cement mixer seller. They got on like a house on fire, and married in 1997. Later, their house did end up on fire, but that was after the divorce. Wendy learnt how to be a builder from Bob, and introduced Dizzy into the family. Bob later decided to get a whole group of machines, buying Rolly, Muck and Scoop as well. Wendy still didn't understand why he talked to them though.
[edit] Planning Permission Community Service
In 2000, Bob suffered what close friends call an "episode," in which he believed himself to be outside of the law, when he did not apply for planning permission for a conservatory on his house. The local authorities sentenced him to one hundred hours community service, which is just a little less than you get for running over children. The conservatory incident made him rely on the drugs again, and he attempted to construct a bridge from the Earth to its small companion moon, Toro. Bob was confined to the Southampton Home for the Complete Batshit for 14 months. Upon re-entering society, he had a new found fascination with men, and teaching the world how to build properly. He toured schools teaching children with incredibly complex Lego models, and crushed the children's models because they hadn't applied for bleeding permission!
[edit] The Show & Subsequent Death
When Leon Kratolsvinski was deported in 2002, he simply waited for the immigration laws with Poland joining the EU came into practice, and emigrated legally. England couldn't do anything, due to the Belgium laws, so sent him to live away from mainland UK, on to the spin-off island, and former holiday destination Engrand. Bob and Wendy were there when they were approached by some television company offering them a children's show, after learning about their passion. The show lasted for three series, and ended dramatically with Bob the Builder's suicide. The show was a documentary, all real events from the life of Bob, except the producers would arrange special guests and neatly edit the boring bits out. One special guest, Adolf Hitler, ended up making Bob have an affair, and in the last two series the show focussed more on Bob's personal life than buildings. The show was the most popular show from 2004 - 2007, when it finished its run. The show finished with the third series due to Kratolsvinski's death. The documentary actually witnessed Bob the Builder's suicide, after Bob disarmed a bomb, but blew up a school, and so had to sell his machines to make up what he had been sued. See? It was all the terrorists.
[edit] Bob's Comic Career
Bob The Builder has also been popular in comic books, and once was featured in an episode of the X-Men where he banged Rogue - causing Rogue to begin a horrific building spree that caused the creation of no less than 10 Wal-Marts. It took the combined powers of all of the X-Men along with Gambit's sex appeal to stop her from creating capitalistic Armageddon. He also built a really sweet coffee table for Spiderman once.
He then later joined the Justice League to help fight his natural enemies the creepy talking scarecrows of Papua New Guinea, he built their ultra-cool base, but was later ostracized as he was useful for nothing else.
After 12 Years, he featured in his very own Spin-Off (Not to be confused with his guest appearance in Spin-City) where it was discovered that his brain was actually a supercomputer that is extremely photosensitive. Hence the protective hat. (Even though photosensitive is to do with the eyes). He was almost invincible, but his only weaknesses were gamma rays and kryptonite, hence his fear of them. He fought in the crusades, and is credited for the deaths of over 1,000 heretics.
[edit] Personal Life
In 1997, Bob married Wendy Fucker. The marriage lasted until 2005, when Wendy saw Bob getting anal from Adolf Hitler. She filed for divorce in 2007, having given it a few years to get it on with Spud the scarecrow. This all took place on air, in series two and three, leading to Bob eventually trying to shy away from the media attention, until his suicide. Which was filmed and broadcast as a double bill. While he was alive, Bob was a member of the Japanese mafia, as is his good chum, Postman Pat, and donated his garage for meetings, fund raisers and sleepovers. Bob actually raped Wendy once. No sorry, twice. But she liked it.
There have been many rumors about Bob's sexuality, and despite belief, he was not gay, nor had he had sex with Christina Aguilera. The rumor about him and Angelina Jolie was in fact true but Bob broke Angelina's heart when she asked to marry him. Angelina then ran away crying and got hooked on adopting underprivileged children and getting them magazine deals. Bob later revealed he was bisexual, after getting it on with a long-dead German dictator.
[edit] Selected Episodes
Here is a list of Bob the Builder episodes. Notable character departures and absences are in italic.
SERIES ONE First aired every Monday from October 2004
- 1. Bob's First Episode. It's his first episode. Duh. First appearance of Bob, Wendy, Spud, Scoop, Dizzy, Muck, Lofty, Roley, Travis and Mr. Potts.
- 2. Muck Gets F***ed: Dizzy and Muck have some hot girl-on girl action. Later, Bob and Scoop masturbate to it.
- 3. What's Wrong Dizzy?: Rolly and Scoop wonder why Dizzy's so stoned today.
- 4. Bob and the Funeral: Mr. Potts is ran over by Rolly, explaining why Mrs. Potts is alone for the rest of the series. Final appearance of Mr. Potts.
- 5. Roley and the Killing Spree: Rolly kills all of the little forest animals. And he just laughs...
- 6. Brokeback Barn: Travis notices that Farmer Pickles and Spud have grown closer these days...
- 7. Scoop's Signs: After Muck p***es off Scoop, who is learning sign language, he gives her a hand signal everybody knows.
- 8. Lofty and the Happy Pills: In a fit of depression, Lofty overdoses on pills and is rushed to the auto repair shop. Oscar Wilde guest stars.
- 9. Sing-Along Bird Part 1: Bob plays Guitar Hero, and now Bird wants to play... (First appearance of Bob's Rifle)
- 10. Sing-Along Bird Part 2: Also known as "Bird Gets Pwned." Wendy cooks Bird. Final appearance of Bird for the remainder of the season, until new Bird was found.
- 11. Shut the F*** Up, Mr. Bently: Bob and Mr. Bently have a bar fight. Spud places bets.
- 12. Muck's Moods: Muck suffers from violent mood swings, until a psychologist shows up.
- 13. Bob Snaps at Dizzy: 'Nuff said. Dizzy announced she was Jewish. Bob forced her to renounce her faith. They reconcile later, and a bit more, if you know what I mean?
- 14. Scoop Saves the Day: He really didn't but everybody was too busy to care. Series finale.
SERIES TWO First aired every Monday from March 2006
- 1. Bob Meets Hitler: He meets Adolf Hitler and makes out. First appearance of Adolf Hitler.
- 2. Naughty Dizzy: Dizzy gets a subscription to a hentai magazine. She loves it (obviously).
- 3. Bobscape Part 1: Lofty shows Bob Runescape and Bob liked it so he became addicted. But who is his arch-nemesis?
- 4. Bobscape Part 2: It is revealed that Hitler is the other player. Bob makes virtual love to him.
- 5. Bob and the Nudists: Bob renovates the cafe at a nudist beach, when all of a sudden he is hit over the head with a bat. Later, he wakes up, wearing nothing but a Nazi armband, and his money gone. Meanwhile, Travis crashes into a petrol station. (Final appearance of Travis and Petrol Station Attendant).
- 6. Spud Sleeps Around: In the follow-up to "Brokeback Barn", Spud breaks his commitment to Farmer Pickles and reveals his bisexuality by making love to Wendy.
- 7. Spud's False Hope: Spud thinks his beloved Liverpool might actually win the league, City win instead. Spud decides to sacrifice a duck to OJ Simpson cos he felt like it. Meanwhile, Rolly is hooked on cannabis.
- 8. Bob and the Japanese Customer: 売春婦は友人無しに、あなたの母であるもの知っている。. Japanese immigrants attempt to meet with Bob. He shoots them.
- 9. Bob's day at Ocktoberfest: Bob vomits on Dizzy.
- 10. Dizzy Gets Busy: Dizzy finds a new hobby of stalking toddlers from bushes. Wendy turns down Spud's offer of a threesome with Farmer Pickles.
- 11. Paedo-Muck: The sequel of Dizzy Gets Busy, Muck gets a job at a primary school and has fun in the toilets.
- 12.Bob Disgruntled: Bob finds his page on Uncyclopedia, he finds that nothing makes sense anymore. Meanwhile, Lofty does graffiti in a bid for attention.
- 13. Keep it Real, Batty Boy: The gang get a suprise visit from Ali G. Wendy is suspicious of Bob and Hitler. Special guest Ali G. Lofty feels left out.
- 14. Well done Muck: Muck learns how to ride a bike though he doesn't really need this skill since hes a truck. Lofty, still not featured, starts self-harming.
- 15. Work, Goddamn You!: Wendy gets the Red Ring of Death on her XboX 360, and stops working. Bob sees this as a time to meet with Hitler, but she is watching. Cliffhanger ending: Has Lofty committed suicide by driving off a cliff? Will Wendy want a divorce?
SERIES THREE First aired every Monday from March 2007
- Useless Pilot: No we cunt: Bob contemplates on getting a sex change, but Hitler gets mad and threatens to commit suicide. At the same time it could save his marriage after Wendy reveals that she is bisexual. Bob doesn't do it.
- 1. O is for Orgy: The gang decide to 'try something different'. They send a "Get Well Card" to Lofty, but he cannot be repaired. Final appearance of Lofty.
- 2. Bob's Bad Back Bob is getting a bad back from sleeping on the couch. Wendy hasn't forgiven his anal with Hitler.
- 3. Scoop At Sea: Scoop falls in love with a Seagull that plans to murder him, and suceeds. Final appearance of Scoop.
- 4. Bob Buys New Friends: Bob buys a new Scoop, called Scoopy, and a new Lofty, called Lifty, to replace the hole that he is feeling. First appearance of Lifty and Scoopy.
- 5. Bob vs. the Constructicons: Can Bob and the gang destroy Hook, Mixmaster, Scrapper, and the rest of the gang when they combine? (This is a rhetorical question.)
- 6. Wendy And Bob And Adolf Too Part 1: Wendy and Hitler have a scrap in the yard, which Wendy wins. Things get bad for Wendy when Dizzy reveals her affair with Spud the Scarecrow. Bob and Wendy both want a divorce.
- 7. Wendy And Bob And Adolf Too Part 2: Hitler mysteriously disappears in the morning. Wendy is seen burning gloves and a shovel, but Muck is sworn to silence... Final appearance of Hitler.
- 8. Busy Dizzy: Dizzy's love of music pisses off the crew, so
LoftyLifty catapults him to Wall-E, someone who has the same crappy interests. Dizzy returns, humbled. Guest stars Wall-E. - 9. Can We Fix
ItHis Brain?: Bob has an exciting adventure at the Psychiatrists. - 10. Can We Fix
ItA Settlement?: Bob and Wendy get a divorce. Wendy makes love to a scarecrow (see Wendy Goes Dating). Final appearance of Wendy. - 11. Playbob: Scoopy buys an issue of the bad Playboy magazine and Bob gets addicted to it. Bob spends all his money on the magazine, and so has to sell a machine. He chooses Muck. Final appearance of Muck.
- 12. Ban The Builder: Bob cant be bothered to build stuff anymore and the machines are worried, eventually they enter him in a Burp Contest. Dizzy and Lifty get it on.
- 13. Build Me A House, Bob: Bob's house is attacked by arsonists, so he builds himself a new one. Rolly also conquers his fear of boxes, after appearing on Deal or No Deal. Guest stars Noel Edmonds.
- 14. Finale: In the series finale, Bob has to rush to deactivate a bomb. Sadly, he doesn't make it, but happily, Scoopy lobs the bomb to a safe distance and Bob doesn't die. Sadly, Scoopy chucks it into a school, and Bob gets seriously sued, and has to sell his machines. Happily, he gets some money for them, but sadly he loses it down the drain. Without his machines to masturbate, and unable to buy more, Bob commits suicide. Final appearance of Leon "Bob the Builder" Kratolsvinski. Won an Emmy award for Most Dramatic Ending.
[edit] Critical Reception
The first series of Bob the Builder was well-received by critics and audiences alike, often being the second-highest watched programme of the week, with audiences of 6 billion. Critics such as Roger Ebert, of the New York Times noted that: "The well-designed storylines, with a beginning, middle, and end, and the easy and accessible characters, make for consistently excellent viewing. Sukhdev Sandhu, of the Daily Telegraph, analysed that: "The key to the success of Bob the Builder is its simple storylines, coupled with all the sexy machines." Jen Pokka, of The Sun, wrote: "I fucking love it!"
The second series was also well received, with even higher ratings. The addition of Hitler to the main cast was controversial, but it proved that the writer's gamble paid off, with the final episode of Series 2 being watched by 7 billion people worldwide. The critics also universally noted that the special guest appearance by Ali G was a high point. It was one suggested by Bob that a crossover show was considered, but this never amounted to anything, mainly because he died.
Series 3, however, was not so successful, as many of the original characters wanted to leave to pursue other projects. Whilst Lofty had "died" at the end of Series 2, during the final series Scoop, Hitler, Wendy and Muck all left the show, leading many critics to state that they hated the show, always hated the show, and demanded something better. The BBC provided them with Postman Pat.
[edit] Famous Constructions
- Rome - completed at night.
- Hoover Dam
- Sidewalks
- Those Little Rotating Tables in Japanese Restaurants
- Uranus
- The Tower of Babel
- Atlantis
- The Taj Mahal
- The Eurotunnel
- The pearly white gates of heaven
- Jimbo Wales
- Germany's Third Empire (attempted)
- The Great Wall of China
- Legoland
- LazyTown
- The Death Star
[edit] Spin-Off Series
Following the success of Bob the Builder, Wendy, Bob's ex-wife, was featured in a spin-off series, called Wendy Goes Dating. Set immediately after Wendy divorced Bob due to immoral conduct with spanners, it was a comedy drama, showing her trying to get to grips with being back on the dating scene. It was not well received, and even guest appearances from the likes of Dizzy, Bob and Sir Alan Sugar could not bring it back for a second series. The season finale, where Wendy decided she was a scarecrow-sexual, was one of the least watched programmes of the year. Since then, Wendy has appeared in many DIY programmes, and is currently presenting "Me and My Scarecrow" on channel 945.
[edit] See Also
