Blue Beetle
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“Hey, look, it's Spider-Man!”
~ idiot kids on Silver Age Blue Beetle
“Hey Beetle, I need you clean out the Bat toilet!”
~ Batman on Modern Age Blue Beetle
“Si, Meester Wayne, I'm on eet.”
~ Modern Age Blue Beetle
Blue Beetle is the name of three different superheroes, all of whom suck.
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[edit] Dan Garrett
The Golden Age Blue Beetle was this guy named Dan Garrett, who wanted to be a superhero in order to get some. But since he didn't have any cool powers or a kickass origin, he began to take steroids to get super strength and speed, and decided to wear some chainmail to score with the ladies. He kept taking steroids for about five years before they shrunk his junk and gave him boobs. Years later, he "found" this magic scarab that gave him super strength, flight, lightning blasts, and telescopic vision, the last of which he used to spy on supermodels and underage cheerleaders changing, even though they were thousands of miles away. Eventually, ladies got tired of this super peeping tom, formed an angry mob, and killed him. He later came back as a zombie to kick Ted Kord's ass for stealing his identity, but was beaten and died again when Ted kicked him in the balls.
[edit] Ted Kord
Following Dan's death, his student, Ted Kord became the Blue Beetle. He couldn't get Dan's scarab to work for him, since it didn't like nerds with tiny penises, so he decided to copy Batman, build a giant flying bug, and become a member of the Justice League. During his tenrue, he fought some gay Galactus ripoff, stole money from his teammates to open a strip club on a living island, and get gay married to Booster Gold for life insurance. Years later, he was killed by Max Lord for speaking out against Infinite Crisis and it's lack of decent storytelling...Lord responded by shooting him in the head and burning his body. He too came back when Booster Gold altered time to prevent Pirates of the Carribean from being a success at the box office,and now has people think he's still dead.
[edit] Jaime Reyes
The last Blue Beetle was an illegal immigrant named Jamie Reyes. Jamie was employed by Ted to be the janitor at Kord Industries, and also used him as a sex slave, since no woman would do a guy with a small penis. After Ted's death, Jamie ran to freedom and stole Dan's scarab, only to have it wield to his spine, and become a black and blue rip off of Iron Man's armor. It gave him super strength and durability, the power to turn his hands into weapons, and made his penis bigger. Jamie was a member of the Teen Titans for awhile and even teamed up with Batman on a few cases until Iron Man killed him for stealing his schtick. Since then, no one's been the Blue Beetle, and no one gives a fuck.
[edit] What others think of the Blue Beetle
“I met him once...and beat the shit outta the sonnuvabitch for stealing my idea for a blue chain-mail outfit!”
~ Captain America on Golden Age Blue Beetle
“He stole my schtick!”
~ Spider-Man on Silver Age Blue Beetle
“Get your ass back to Mexico....”
~ Robin on Modern Age Blue Beetle while loading his rifle
“Verily, he wast a better man servant than Jarvis!”
~ Thor on Modern Age Blue Beetle
“I wast about to bone my gurfriend, when we heard dis noise outside. When I opened da weendow, I saw dat eet wast Blue Beetle fightin' some giant robot, den I wast about tah go back tah bonin' my gurfirend, but she said da mood wast gone.”
~ This guy on Modern Age Blue Beetle
“Blue ith thoooooooo latht theason, thith month, it'th green.”
~ Gay community on Blue Beetle.
“He stole my plans for a giant bug like helicarrier! I'm-a pop a cap in his ass!”
~ Urkel on Silver Age Blue Beetle.
“They're all bigger failures then I am, and that's gotta be an accomplishment!”
~ Aquaman on all of the Blue Beetles
