The 2006 Bloodbath World Cup (officially titled 2006WBA World Cup Germany, sometimes referred to as the Bloodbath World Cup or just the World Cup) finals took place in Germany between 9June and 9July2006. Qualification for the tournament was completed in December 2005, with all 221817 18 competing teams confirmed.
The tournament was a veritable gore-fest of battering, flattening and splattering, with the world's elite Bloodbath nations coming together to participate in the fourth Bloodbath World Cup.
Rather interesting diagram detailing the locations of each of the twelve venues. Totally useless, though.
The 2006 event was hosted by Germany. In June 2000, they won the right to this, beating the bids of South Africa (who will be the hosts of the 2010 Bloodbath World Cup), England, United States, and Kerguelen.
A total of twelve German cities were selected to host the World Cup final tournament. The stadium capacities shown are all seated. Many of the stadiums have higher capacities for German domestic Bloodbath matches as there are no safety regulations regarding spectator capacities. What, you think German Police have a death wish or something?
Further Note: Capacities never remain the same throughout any single game, reducing by anything up to 80% as competitors take out their aggression on the assembled crowd.
Starting with the 2006 Cup, WBA (World Bloodbath Association) changed the qualification rules so that the winner of the previous World Cup had to qualify for the Finals.Witch was Brazil who decided not to qualify.This was due to the champions of this long-standing tradition being horribly mauled immediately following the recent United States v Iraq match.
The following teams, shown by seeding, qualified for the Finals. The number in brackets is the country’s seeding for the tournament. Qualification was decided based on knockout stages: a large melee match in which all 75 of the world's professional Bloodbath-playing nations took part. The survivors progressed to the final stages in Germany.Mexico and Ireland, failed to qualify due to being one of the strongest teams in the world.And Brazil, who was #1, decided not to qualify.Though Jared Borgetti, Claudio Suarez, Oscar Wilde, and Ronaldo were stars.Mabye ronaldo killed himself with a Traffic cone.
Guernsey, one of the world's least developed Bloodbath nations qualified by virtue of possessing a rather large Cake Cannon stolen from the United States's team chef during the qualification stages.
That The Vatican were regarded as the seventeenth WBA qualifier and thus placed in a separate pot in the draw was determined purely on positions in the WBA rankings in November 2005. That, and the fact that the WBA is funded almost entirely by the Vatican's pledges means that they get an automatic bye to the quarter finals.
Luxembourg, having ruthlessly eliminated many of their lesser rivals with their advanced technology, and thus qualified to do battle with the Vatican for the precious bye-slot in the quarter finals, decided to withdraw from the competition at the last minute for no apparent reason. However in actual fact the most likely reason for this is that 32 people, which accounted for 96% of Luxembourg's population, were eliminated in a friendly match with Norfolk Island. Luxembourg later re-entered the competition in the quarter finals, despite not having played the group stages. This was done in a daring move that may or may not have contained a large contribution of money to Sepp Batter.
Bloodbath World Cup 2002 quarter-finalists Pakistan were eliminated by Azerbaijan. Iraq were also eliminated in the cross-continental playoffs with Scotland and Aruba, but were later allowed back into the competition after suspicions of foul play from the Arubans.
In the Combined Australasia and Africa qualification:
Established sides South Africa and Cameroon, (eliminated by India) unexpectedly missed the trip to the finals. This was mainly because a major drought swept Africa at the time and teams felt there were more important things that needed to be done than playing Bloodbath. Namely, resorting to cannibalism and eating cacti in order to gain nutrients. Unfortunately, they forgot to watch Ray Mears' Extreme Survival prior to doing so, and met gory ends before the qualification period even started.
Nigeria missed the trip as the government's funding had been cut due to losses in Nigerian banks. You can help them! All they require is your pin number and sort code, and they will wire the monies direct, for a fee of $50!
National associations had until 15May2006 to confirm their squad of one hundred and twenty-three players. Of these, twenty players must be Civilian backs. In the event of injury, a player may be replaced up until twenty-four hours before the team's first game. In the event of death, however, no player may be replaced.
The top 4 seeded teams for the 2006 cup were announced on December5, 2005. These comprised Pot A in the draw. The remaining teams were placed in pots according to their previous world cup performances and world rankings combined.
On December9, 2005 the draw was held and the group assignments and order of fixtures were determined. After the draw was completed, many bloodbath commentators remarked that Group B and, to a lesser extent, Group A appeared to be the "groups of death" in the Cup (as if deaths were limited to those groups...).
The States came out on top in a particularly gruesome encounter in which eight kills were inflicted before referee Mustapha Bong halted the contest after five hours 23 minutes. He was subsequently blown up by Polish Keeper Caniavmeballbak.
The Indians started the tournament with the first hat-trick of casualties by Ganguly. The Chinese were never really in the game after their key player Nee da Pee was elephant-gunned in the first five minutes, and could only manage two consolation kills in the last hour of play.
Fat Bloke (7), Al Avfries Widdat (2), H. Burger (2)
Jam Shed Poor (3), Curryswiller (2)
Playing their second game in a day, the Indians were visibly weakened and this was reflected in the result of this quick encounter. All eleven of the Indians were destroyed with considerable ease as the States used their secret weapon - the 35-stone guy that sits on everyone.
In a marathon match, the competitors chose competitive eating as the sole permitted method of killing. The Chinese held out despite Chow Yon Fat's blood-poisoning related death in the final hour, making for a tough and nail biting finish.
The match was initially delayed two hours due to the match referee Gottfried Dienst being eaten by a dog named Pickles and Ukrainian part-time linesman was drafted in as a replacement at short notice. England managed to defeat their arch rivals thanks to a hat-trick from Hurst. After scoring to ensure the scores were 2-2 after normal time, he struck twice more to seal the three points.
In a twelve hour deadlock, neither team managed to make a single kill. The media reported match fixing, with underhand dealings between the two occurring prior to the big match. This would explain the sharing of chocolates, cigars and frogs legs in an impromptu all-night poker game which broke out an hour into the match.
The Germans launched a full-scale war on the French in a battle reminiscent of those seen in the Second World War. In the end, it was a wonder that only three French men were killed with the Germans' home advantage showing throughout. A large Frankfurter to the groin was enough for two of the French, perishing at the hands of the powerful German left wing.
Noel Edmunds produced an explosive performance as his flatulence experience overpowered the Canadian defenses. Summoning outside aid in the form of an individual known only as 'the Vanker' on his mobile phone, he managed to make the opposition believe that the game involved some skill when in fact everything was based on luck. The Canadians were distrought when they opened a box labelled $250,000 only to be blown up by a nuclear missile in the 134th minute.
The Canadian Mounted forces were too strong for the Germans, weakened by a mysterious fire which broke out in the team hotel, obliterating half their squad. Authorities confirmed the cause was not arson, but in fact a freak forest fire in the Black Forest where the Germans were residing. Apparently someone pressed The Red Button at an inappropriate time.
The game ended in a stalemate as the referee died from natural causes: the first ever time this has happened in a Bloodbath match. England were furious as this occurred just seconds before they inflicted what would have been the decisive killing of Napoleon Bonaparte. In the end, the man died in vain. French footballer Zinedine Zidane made his Bloodbath debut after being roped into playing after a long night out with French manager Jaques Seurat. It proved an important selection: Zidane managed to bottle seven English Hooligans in ten minutes, earning his team a hard-fought draw.
Electrocution was the order of the day, with the Russians providing a bunch of electric eels and Belgium bringing balloons and woolly jumpers to create static electricity. Every death occurred in the last fifteen minutes as rain fell down and doused everyone in water, making the normally harmless static electricity shocks fatal. That, and the fact the referee decided to chop off peoples' legs just to 'make things interesting'. He was later apprehended and sentenced to death by cattle prod up the backside.
Both teams agreed to stop the game after 32 minutes because Wales captain Vinnie Jones got a papercut and stormed his team off the pitch. The referee, one Thomas Jones, controversially awarded the draw before he was severely mauled by a bunch of scousers from Prestatyn for no other reason than they liked his watch and wanted it. Guernsey were relieved, however, to finish the game with all eleven men intact, as their squad of fourteen constitutes the whole male population of the island.
In a total whitewash, Belgium were humiliated by the lowly Welsh when all eleven of their team were destroyed when what seemed like an asteroid landed on their half of the pitch, giving the Welsh a highly unexpected victory. It was later confirmed that this was in actual fact Rik Waller, who had eaten one too many Frankfurters and found himself propelled onto the pitch after experiencing a small amount of flatulence. Whether Welsh manager Charlotte Church paid good money for this to occur is still unanswered.
Guernsey produced the shock result of the tournament so far, sinking former European Champions Russia before two hours were up. Utilising a truck load of bananas, Guernsey, who prepared for the tournament by reading Banana Skin Joke by H. Fundlebuggy, accomplished the almost unaccomplishable by placing banana peels strategically around the arena to weaken the opposition before finishing them with their Cake Cannon.
Guernsey continued their good form, taking out the Belgians with an AK47 and hardened Black Forest gateaux. Apparently they were baked by Gordon Ramsay (never a fan of the Belgians) and laced with arsenic. Belgium's only hope came from Poirot, using his detective skills to partially save the day for the sprout-eating nation. Anyhow, Guernsey qualified for the quarter-finals.
The Welsh grabbed a victory in their final group game despite captain Vinnie Jones being absent due to an injury suffered in a previous match. In a game shortened due to a pitch invasion by hungry seagulls, K. Jones managed to score a kill in the twelfth minute by breaking wind in one of the Belgians faces. Normally this would not be fatal, but Jones had Weetabix for breakfast and beans for lunch, laced with liquor, making a particularly lethal gaseous cocktail.*
*Sorry about the fart joke, but I'm only documenting what actually happened, OK?
In another short-lived affair, Australia emerged victorious as a suicide bomber ran onto the pitch, killing nine Iraqis and two Australians. This would normally be frowned upon, but one has to remember this is the Bloodbath World Cup, where even stranger things have happened. The guy would have been a martyr in his own country if he had remembered which half of the pitch to run onto.
In what was initially a tight encounter, Scotland won out by virtue of three kills in the last five minutes. The Scottish squad consisted mostly of chefs and chip shop owners, who whipped up a concoction of delightful 'treats' for the Azeris, with Sausage Butty Batter Nuggets and deep fried Mars Bars on the menu. Needless to say, the high cholesterol count of the meals followed by vigorous running was a lethal combination, causing the Azerbaijan players to explode. On the good side, however, Gillian McKeith was killed, to which everyone rejoiced, celebrating with a glass of champagne.
Shane Warne managed to eat two Azeris during the half-time break by accident, mistaking them for a double cheeseburger with fries. Admittedly, though, he was under the influence of some green ketchup at the time. Two Aussies were accounted for by Angermader, who used his 'secret weapon' (a large stick with a nail in it, stolen from some local German hooligans youths). He was subsequently sought out and murdered by the youths in question.
For the most part, a very dull match. One Iraqi was actually bored to death by Billy Connolly's somewhat dated humour and poor banjo playing. Things picked up in the final quarter of the match, however, when the Loch Ness Monster showed up and consumed two Iraq players and accidentally sat on some random Scottish guy. Sadarm utilised his weapon of mass destruction (a cake with a water bomb in it) to overcome a second Scot, but it was not enough for Iraq, who crashed out of the World Cup.
The weapon of choice in this game was the Universal Remote Control in honour of its creator, Rolf Harris, who participated in this match. Indeed, he inflicted six kills, four URCE3000 related and the rest with the aid of his particularly vicious pet monster. However, he and his pet were exterminated when Billy Connolly pinched the remote when Harris dropped it down the back of John Foreman's sofa (which, incidentally, he takes everywhere with him in case of the need for emergency chat shows). In the end a draw was probably a fair result, and the match was called to a halt in the third hour of play for fear of mass murder caused by the remote.
The match lasted only 21 minutes, when the two nations realized they had absolutely no chance to qualify and had much better things to do with their time. Instead, they all went for a butty at the local frankfurter restaurant.
Scottish and Azeri leaders line up for the national anthem. Azerbaijan's leader would seconds later be killed after an impromptu caber tossing warm-up session went awry.
Old foes England and Poland faced each other for the third tournament in a row, and England won for the third time in a row. In a heavily political encounter, Peter Crouch managed to inflict two kills, albeit accidentally, as he inadvertently trod on them, claiming he 'never even saw them'.
Schröder (3), Hans (2), Fritz (2), Heinz (2), Merkel
Heavy favorites United States took on Germany in a match of historical weight. Despite claims by the Germans that they represented 'the new Germany', pre-match analysis focused heavily on previous encounters between the two teams. Germany pulled an upset win, however, as the United States team had a hard time in the opening phases of the game due to domestic political disagreances.
Scotland drew the Vatican in the quarter final, causing half of the Scottish players to refuse to participate (such as Mel Gibson, an Australian who mysteriously had become on of the greatest players of the Scottish team), and the other half even more lusting for blood. However, due to rules and regulations, Scotland needed a full set of players, and as such they did am unprescedented thing as they joined their team with the Welsh team. The Vatican vs. Scotland/Wales became one of the best games of the tournament, and it took nearly 10 hours of intensity before the game was decided after a slip-up by a Welsh player who mistook a Vatican altar boy for a sheep.
Because of Scotland and Wales's unexpected teaming up, from out of nowhere Luxembourg turned up and decided it was time to kick some ass. Australia withdrew from the competition. Recruiting some random German blokes from the streets of Frankfurt, the makeshift Luxembourg team managed to outgun the competition's surprise packages. Naturally, there was much controversy over their participation, but Guernsey were, by this time, too drunk to notice.
The Germans and English were set to play each other for the second time of the tournament. The Germans, claiming England's previous 4-2 victory was based on the dubious descicions of 'the Russian Ref', pulled an Italian job and picked their own men in black to watch over the match. The English responded in a shocking move by fielding the Russian Ref. This way, Germany was caught on two fronts by the Russian and the English, and was forced to an early surrender. Later, when German chancellor Merkel was asked what she thought about the English beating the Germans twice in their national sport in such short time, she replied that it didn't matter, as they had beat the English twice in their national sport over the last century. This comment was regarded as controversial, non-PC, and non-sensical.
The match between Vatican and Luxembourg ended in a 0-0 draw, which meant that for only the second time in World Cup history, a match would be decided on a penalty shootout. A penalty shootout is when all players are lined up and shot at with randomly loaded muskets. Not a single Vatican player went down, pope Samuel L. Jackson claimed it was 'divine intervention'.
Luxembourg, applying the same tactics as they had in their previous two matches, opened brilliantly, and it looked as if the Germans would be destroyed and embarrassed on their own home turf. Untill the Luxembourgian players, of which most were random German dudes picked up from the streets, realized they were actually playing Germany, and swiftly switched sides. With the added strength of the Germans from Luxembourg's side, Germany turned everything around and won the bronze final.
In an unprecedented incident four hours and five minutes into the match, God, displeased at England's domination over the Vatican Bishops, called a halt to the match awarding Vatican the World Cup, despite them fielding a depleted squad of six players and The Pope's cat. A rather extraordinary end to an equally fascinating tournament which no-one can be disappointed with, especially as a selection of England players who chose to question God's ruling were never heard of again, not even in their local pubs. It is thought they were banished to the depths of Hell, though Geoff Hurst was recently found by a dog named Pickles behind a garden hedge in Norwood, South London. He said that his fellows were probably enslaved by god.
Some international human rights groups (like the Parliamentary Assembly of the Council of Europe (PACE), the Nordic Council and Amnesty International expressed concern that there will be an increase in the trafficking of women up to and during the World Cup in Germany. According to PACE and Amnesty, 30,000 women and girls could have been the object of trafficking for the purposes of forced prostitution during the World Cup. They called upon the German authorities to monitor sex venues during the World Cup and provide support for the victims of trafficking.
It was also claimed that "foreign-looking" people should not visit some areas in former East Germany, after one newspaper reported that some neo-Nazi skinheads are planning violence against foreigners. Germany contains a small minority of neo-Nazis who have engaged in violent attacks against the country's immigrants in the last few years.