Blood Friday

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Blood Friday is a wonderful catastrophe, the kind that provides a great anecdote for the water-cooler or a child's bed-time. Blood Friday occurred on Black Friday in 1999 at Walmarts across the USA.


They say you'll see shoppers' ghosts out of the corner of your eye, and on Black Friday, they fill the paper supplies aisle with tortured screams.

edit The First Hour

The first Walmarts opened on the East Coast, just before sunrise, like any other Black Friday. Huge crowds of parents were already convulsing toward the entrance when the electrified gate was let up and the high-powered lasers turned off. Officially, to prevent injury to employees, this was all done remotely. Although, unofficially poor people and hobos have been reported to have been offered 20 bucks to unlock the front door, presumably unaware of the crushing tidal force that would soon end their lives.

Just half an hour into the shopping frenzy, the huge panels that display prices on the most sought-after (aka cheapest) merchandise, began to cascade down upon unwitting shoppers. These price rollovers, decapitated many, some were lucky enough to only be stabbed through their foot by the sharp corners. The price rollover was supposed to be scheduled AFTER the holiday season, when people would be too bloated off their consumer buying craze to even leave the house.


According to the time this picture was taken, these people were standing on hundreds of trampled corpses.

This would have been bad enough in of itself, yet the markdowns for post-holiday were some of the best deals ever created in the history of shopping. Most deals were, in fact, intended only for items that would be practically out of stock by then anyway, or replaced by defective holiday returns. What was expected to bring in a decent amount of business for the beginning of next year, instead incited mass hysteria in the bulging over-capacity holiday mob.

It was only a matter of time before the mob had set their attention to the dozen or so amazing price rollovers. Pyramids of shoppers formed in a king-of-the-hill style deathmatch for the items. Those at the bottom of the pyramids would later be buried in a mass-grave, the bodies no longer recognizeable to anyone but their maker. History now considers these the lucky ones.


According to one survivor, this sweet move landed him case after case of Rubber Chickens.

edit Height of Madness

By the time Walmarts in other time zones opened, word had spread of the amazing deals. Few know just how many shoppers showed up to the West Coast, let alone any other details. Interviews with survivors have obtained little information save the insane babblings of a traumatized parent, their face frozen with intolerable anguish.


After the larger man wrestles away the computer, he'll be able to smash his opponent's head in with it.

edit Aftermath

Many lucky children that night snuck out of their bedrooms in search of hidden presents only to find their parents' entire bedrooms, basements, garages or even backyards filled with amounts of plastic junk ridiculous even by American standards. However, most children found little, simply assuming their parents had hidden the presents extra well. When these kids woke up the next morning, their eyes filled with frightened tears over their missing parent(s). Yet, it was only a short time before they were invited over to a nearby friend's house to play with an entire backyard full of toys. Little did they know, the price of the toys had been their own father's dying breath.

Each Sunday before Black Friday is now celebrated as a memorial (as most stores refused to move Black Friday sales to another day). The largest memorials are at the 135 Walmarts sealed up full of corpses and abandoned as mass tombs.

edit The Hero of Eugene

In Eugene, Oregon, one Walmart general manager, Chuck Bithersby, foresaw the great danger to his store and employees. He redoubled the defenses, attaching extra generators to the electrified gate and quickly mounted extra flesh-melting lasers around the perimeter of the store. After eqiupping each employee with a variety of weapons and ammunition and assembling on the rooftop, they showered the crowd with toys. This forced the parents' to turn their attention to one another. Some parents even left, happy with the few items they had gotten, as they were free. Of course, some parents were simply turned rabbid by this onslaught of free merchandise. The employees tried to pick these individuals out and drenched them in hot lead rain. Eventually the crowd dispersed, realizing they hadn't packed the neccessary arsenal to overtake the Walmart.

Although casualties were high in Eugene, they are estimated at the third lowest in the country. His store was also one of the few Walmarts to remain profitable throughout the rest of the year, as most Walmarts had eliminated the vast majority of their consumer base. Chuck has since been elected Mayor of Eugene, with sights on the white house after his being awarded dual Nobel prizes - in peace and economics.

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