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“Never before have so many people with so little to say said so much to so few”
“Toilet was blogged once. A day to clear it, it took.”
The blog is an important and recently introduced aspect of the much-lauded "Care in the Community" treatment for the mentally-handicapped. Mental patients (from the schizophrenic to the learning-disabled to the just-plain-weird) are invited to express their fears, suspicions, experiences and cravings by means of one of these occasionally-updated internet logs. The use of blogs as a general source of information and entertainment by a surprising number of Internet-users is therefore discouraged.
The concept of "blogging" (not to be confused with flogging) is said to have originated in the Amazonian rainforest, where European explorers observed the native hunter-gatherers communicating by means of high-pitched whining and long-drawn-out musical glossolalia. Although no actual information was ever conveyed by this meaningless prancing, the locals appeared to enjoy the sight and sound of each other's attempts and dancing along with them. The native Amazonians knew this practice in their own language as the "Surkull Juirc", but the name never really caught on in European circles.
There are several theories as to the origins of the word "blog":
- Some etymologists propose that the term originated with a small 19th-century Canadian community who would chop down trees and then write detailed accounts of their routine activities on online diaries, and later became known as "web loggers".
- There is another theory that "blog" is in fact an acronym, but no-one can think of one that fits.
- Alternatively, the word may have been the result of the very first blogger 's attempts to spell the words "hello world".
- Due to their fragile mental state, bloggers can readily be identified online by their sub-normal writing ability, constant and pervasive paranoia, fondness for wildly implausible conspiracy theories (favourites include the Kennedy Assassination, the "moon landing", Area 51 and the notorious Al-Qaeda Superbowl "Wardrobe Malfunction" Plot) and severely under-developed sense of irony and/or humour.
- In person, bloggers can easily be singled out due to their over-evolved buttocks (see J-Lo Syndrome), surplus body hair and incontinence. In addition, a blogger will tend to stand out at social occasions - he'll be the one frantically taking notes on a potato chip to write up later for that day's post.
- In a survey conducted by the BBC, Blogging is the #3 activity of really sad people, preceded by #1 Premarital wanking which is followed up by #2 insatiable guilt crying. Other activities include Extreme Stamp Licking, (slightly altered using a combination of saliva and tears) and Ferret racing.
Some key dates from blogging history:
- 1337 B.C. - The first documented example of a blog is chiselled into the walls of the nearly-completed pyramid of King Tutankhamun, a 17-year-old, angst-ridden pharaoh who laments his continued state of viriginity.
- 900 A.D. - The Vikings use rune stones inscriptions to tell their day-to-day events to other Vikings.
- 1799 - Tutankhamun's blog is discovered by French Captain Jean-Luc Leotard while on honeymoon near the Arabian city of Cheddah. The French authorities immediately excise all references to the pharaoh's blatant homosexuality from the carving - including the account of his short-lived fling with Oscar Wilde.
- 1874 - G. Samuel Blog develops the first modern day blog. It is powered by steam engine and highly credited for helping spreading the Industrial Revolution throughout Europe.
- 1925 - The first public demonstration of an electrically-powered blog is held in Selfridges, London by its inventor, John Yogi Bear. The Edwardian audience is so shocked by the blog's startlingly realistic description of a train that they flee the exhibition in terror.
- 2000 - An Islamic suicide blogger storms the venue of the the 2000 Republicratic Presidential Convention. Unfortunately, no-one notices.
- 2001 - In order to boost blogging and blog economies, George W. Bush steals the 2000 U.S. Presidential election to give bloggers something to talk about for eight years.
- 2003 - "Blogs and the Blogging Bloggers Who Blog Them: A Fair and Blogged Blog at the Blog," reaches number one on the New York Times bestseller list.
- 2005 -Marge Ingersol fires her nanny only to realize that the nanny turns every single email as well as her confidential court records in to a blog titled Simulating Normal which attracts attention from Random House Publishing.
- 2006 - Hits at U.S. President George W. Bush's personal blog reach an all-time low. The White House diverts several billion dollars from Social Security funds to prop it up; new content includes out-takes and bloopers from the invasion of Iraq, and full, exclusive footage of the President's Oval Office misdemeanours with Barney the dog.
Is the Blogosphere Exothermic or Endothermic?
Professor Shickelheimer, of the University of East Carolina School of Chemical Engineering, Final Exam question for May of 1997. Prof. Shickelheimer is known for asking questions such as "Why do airplanes fly?" on his final exams. His one and only final exam question in May 1997 for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class was: "Is the blogosphere exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
"What the fuck? What kind of fucked-up question is that? Blogosphere's not even a real fucking word! Dude, why am I wasting my time in this shithole?"
The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.
Anarchists in Blogging
To quote a famous blogger, he simply said "Um..anarchy?" Then he jumped on a bus to catch the last screening of An Inconvenient Truth. He had a sack of nipples around his waist.
Some Notable Blog Entries
- "I could do with a poo... Yes, I definitely need a poo.
- " Does anyone get that feeling, when they need sexual healing?
- "Walk3d d0wn the s7ret to0d4y. 1 n0ticed my shoo laces weer undun. I t1ed my sh0e l4ces. I c0nt1nu3d worlkin d0wn the str3et."
- "Goerge UU. Boosh?/ If 1did'nt kn0w better, I'ld sey he wazn't v3ry brihgt!1"
- "1 woz ab0ut to h4v lun(h wen i not1ced w3 di'dnt hav n e foo0d. i w3NT TO TEH SHOP AN BOURHGT SOM. I TH3n hed lunche."
- "0samma Been L4den? 1ff i di'd'n't k|\|ow be7ter, Iw'd say he w4'snt \/ery n1ce;!)"
- "Wholly sh1t!!1! Th3ir a11 ou7 to get mee!!1 1t woz th l1z4ardp3ple!"? 7hey k111ed jKF so h3 coodnt t3l1 uz the hOlocorst waz a f4ke, $ then m4de 9/111 s0 we cou'ldn7 f1nd o0t tha7 iT wors ac7ual1y pR1nce PHi11ip whp rhr0ttled D14na 2 daeth 1n t3h b4ck ov A MInic4b in haMbu|^g b4 sh3 cood s4y that 17 woz Elivs woh sh0t JR 2 k33p him quite ab0u7 P4ul maC4rtny be3ing gh3y."
- "Hay lo0k, a peNny!"
- Should I kill myself? My parents are idiots. They dropped my allowance to $10,000 a week. $10,000! How can I live off that? They also took away all my cars, including my Ferarri. All I have left is my 2006 Corvette. 2006!! That was a year ago! I can't be seen in that!! My friends would laugh at me. They also made me leave my mansion and go into their house, which only has 20 rooms and 60 maids and butlers. How can I live with that amount?! And all of this happened just because I committed a genocide on poor people. POOR PEOPLE!! Who cares about them?! And besides, I'm only killing a few hundred people. Should I kill myself?
- (writing in progress...)
- Currently, the most popular blog on MySpace (Over 99 zillion views in five minutes) is the tell-all blog describing the night of Tom (Myspace Creator) and Several Other Tragic Deaths. Read a recap on the "MySpace" uncyclopedia page
- In France, the word "blog" is considered a deadly insult, equivalent to the English "donkey-botherer".
- Bloggers have all the tasty goodness of traditional journalists with a third less of the actual content.
- In the 2004 publication, Webster's Dictionary listed the word "blogger" as meaning "an opening on the rear of the body through which feces are excreted." Although accurate, it was changed in response to bloggers signing Webster up for various animal porn subscriptions.