From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“Ah heard that we're oall on a great big ball in space, but ah only care about my next beer. ”
A Blinkered Worldview can be identified in a number of ways, not least by pointing and saying "Look, a blinkered worldview!". Other methods can be used, and some of these are summarised below. Note: During all methods, it is extremely important to have a wet towel to hand.
edit George W Bush Method
Stand directly in front of the person who you wish to test and look at their face. Are they George W Bush? If yes, then a blinkered worldview is directly in front of you. Immediately take your wet towel, stuff as much as possible down the test subject's throat and end their misery. You can dispose of the body in any way you deem appropriate.
edit Geography Method
Take an atlas and select your test subject. Open the atlas and ask the subject to point to, for instance, Madagascar. As they point, carefully count the number of fingers on their hand. If they have greater than five, they may be a redneck and therefore have a blinkered world view. Caution should be exercised; it is possible the subject has a loaded shotgun in their truck which could be used in place of rational discussion, sentient discourse or just as punctuation to the phrase "Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining".
edit Geography (Refined) Method
Identify your test subject and check they are American. Ask them where Simon Cowell from American Idol comes from. Then ask them to point to their answer on a map. This works as a two-phase process; firstly, there is the indication of a blinkered world view by the fact they are aware of American Idol. Secondly, there could a discrepancy between answer and map location; either suggest a blinkered world view. If there is an strongly positive reaction to the words "American Idol", you should immediately take your wet towel, stuff as much as possible down the test subject's throat and end their misery. In this instance, the body should be disposed of using a concrete overcoat.
edit Documentation Method
Select your test subject and ask them bring the following two items:
- A Passport
- Their usual Broadsheet Newspaper
If they are unable to supply both of these objects, beware: This could indicate a Blinkered world view. You should immediately take your wet towel and, well, be creative. Do whatever springs to mind. Dispose of the body in a carnival-inspired way; be creative with rollercoasters and dodgems.
A Blinkered worldview has been espoused by many societies, ruling classes and people over time, but the history of the Blinkered worldview begins with the Vikings. They were so incensed with people who they deemed "Irreparably foreign and wilfully abnormal" that they invaded. In fact, they invaded pretty much everywhere in Europe and had a good go at America too. They were not interested in empire-building, they apparently just wanted to kick the crap out of all the foreigners (a tradition which continues today)
This great tradition was continued later by the Romans, who were renowned for assessing whether to conquer a new area by asking the inhabitants, "Do you like pizza?" There are three answers to this question:
- (i)"Yes", in which case the Romans would occupy, and any dissent would be answered with "What's wrong, you like pizza don't you?"
- (ii)"No", in which case the Romans would invade the vile infidels who would not worship the Pizza, and
- (iii)"What's Pizza?", in which case the Romans would insinuate the flattened-dough disc into the culture, and then occupy as in (i).
Interestingly, this explains why pizza (and various other disc-shaped bread-adjacent products) became so widespread in the world - it simply became ingrained in our societal memories that to resist the pizza is to be invaded by Romans and no-one wants that. After all, what have the Romans ever given us? Apart from art, literature, roads, sanitation, the aqueduct... Cite Monthy Python here
Other notable examples of a Blinkered Worldview include:
This was where one load of God-botherers travelled halfway across the known world to visit another load of God-botherers with the express intention of chopping them to bits. This continued for some time and to no apparent benefits of either set of God-Botherers.
The throne in France had become open to all-comers, and there were a series of wars about who actually was responsible for France. The Plantagenet English insisted that it wasn't their responsibility, whereas the Franch House of Valois argued vehemently that it wasn't their responsibility. Eventually the French did agree that, since they were French, they should be responsible for France. They are recorded by history as the Losers.
The British Empire was created, expanded and enforced soley through the British being fed up with Foreigners being unable to understand English, even when SPOKEN SLOWLY AND LOUDLY. The inevitable frustration saw the British expand thier empire to over 400,000,000 people, many of whom insisted on retaining their foregin quirks such as "culture" and "language". The aim was to make everyone in the world British and, in doing so, making the British Blinkered Worldview the only worldview. Despite their huge empire, the British did not succeed.
Contrary to popular belief, World War 1 was not precipitated by a Blinkered Worldview, but rather through a case of mistaken identity. It is well-known that the war was started when Franz Ferdinand was assassinated, but it not known that this was due to a time-traveller mistaking the rapper Franz "Archduke" Ferdinand with the popular-music beat combo of the same name. This tragically caused one of the greatest losses of human life in history (instead of one of the greatest popular music triumphs of the 21st centuary, as the timetraveller intended).
World War 2 was started because of a monumentally blinkered worldview, which in its sheer size should be admired (much as one would admire a 30 ton pile of excrement - it's not nice at all, but it's certainly impressive). Hitler, still smarting from the fracas that was World War 1, was angry that Germany had been blamed for the whole misunderstanding when traditionally that role was played by France. In order to make himself feel better, he decided to wear horse blinkers at all times in an attempt to see nothing he didn't like (thus giving rise to his characteristic arm movement - people mistakenly thought he was saluting when in fact he was just sheilding his eyes from the sun). Unfortunately this slightly eccentric eye-wear choice didn't work, and so he decided to stage a coup, take power, and invade Austria. The view apparently was no better in Austria, so he proceeded to invade most of Europe and subsequently undertake a mass-homolgation project resulting in only blonde- haired blue-eyed people. Fortunately, both American and British politicians thought this was a step too far, and put a stop to all that nonsense. The British High Command were noted to have described Hitler as, "An obnoxious little oik who only had one testicle".
Whilst usually an undesirable trait, a Blinkered World View has been used by many, including World Leaders, as excuse and motivation in equal measure. If you require justification for your tiny little view of the big wide world, or if you are a World Leader requiring either excuses or motivational notions for your troops, please see below.
edit Situation - You're huge and don't like foreigners
If this occurs, you are likely to be head of state of China. Since your state is enormous and able to be mostly self-sufficient in terms of natural resources, you enjoy a distinct distrust of foreigners because obviously they are all out to get you. In practice, many states actually are out to get you, so in this instance you are correct. In order to explain this, your blinkered world view should be:
"China is the cultural centre of the universe, and non-Chinese peoples are uncivilized barbarians."
edit Situation - You're huge, and don't like people "who don't come from Round 'ere"
If this occurs, you are likely to be a Yorkshireman. Since your county is large and has declared independence from England, you will benefit from a superior demeanour and a very dry (some would say non-existent) sense of humour. In order to avoid having to accept that Lancashire is probably not really that different from you, and that Southerners are not entirely "wet" and "namby-pamby". Your blinkered world view should be:
"Yorkshire is t'best in't world; God's Own County".
edit Situation - You're huge and don't own a passport
If this is your situation, you are likely to be an obese American. America is large and has a burgeoning "entertainment" industry which centres entirely on America, therefore allowing citizens to ignore any wider international situations. It also has the benefit of being a singularly parochial country, allowing certain Americans to ignore everything outside their state or, more commonly, outside their front door. Your blinkered world view should be:
"Eye'm gonna stay on me couch, watchin Ricki Lake & eatin Potayda Chips til ma gut touches the floor cos nothin's more important than watchin Ricki".
- Basing your life entirely on a self-interpreted religious text or series of books (or another series of books, or yet another series of books) which you then interpret alone in your bedroom because you know you can understand it better than anyone else in the world ever has or ever will do, no really, no-one else gets it like I do, no, THEY DON'T, right, that't it, where's my suicide bombing outfit / hateful placard / space opera / broomstick (delete as appropriate), you're for it now;
- Eating Cheetos in front of Ricki Lake;
- Watching Jeremy Kyle especially if related to any of the participants (a drug/alcohol exemption can be used on this clause, as long as you are not related to any of the participants).