Blame somebody else
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“Oscar Wilde told me to do it!”
“No one knows what it's like, To feel these feelings, Like I do, And I blame you!”
Just like with unexploded bombs, Blame is best dealt with by passing it as quickly as possible to someone else. To blame someone, therefore, is the right and proper action of assigning your blame to another. That way, you can relax and get on with your golf game. This activity of blaming is basic to hominid behaviour, and that seems a bit wrong, which you are so quick to point out, oh yes, aren't you? As always.
The Blame Game
Blaming is nearly universally observed in children. It seems to be an essential part of human development. Believing this helps you sleep at night as the crows gather behind your eyes and peck away the slimy layers of guilt from your overworked brain. When language skills develop, one of the first practical things that can be done with them is to apply them to blame others for what you just did, and get that person you don't like sanctioned or punished while you keep doing as you do. This way, you get to eat more cookies, so of course you're never stopped.
Lying is often involved in blaming. Of course it is possible to assign blame to someone using truth perhaps however selectively applied. This is considered far more leet, which is why you don't do it. In order to successfully blame somebody else, you must make it seem plausible, and if there's truth involved, much less manipulation is required. Just ask Richard Nixon.
Some wieners think that the flow of blame in an organization is one of the most important indicators of that organization's robustness and integrity. The trickle down theory assumes that blame flows from top to bottom, so that all the screw ups in a major company will eventually land on the head of the little guy who supplies the pencils in the basement. Then he blames his mother, who blames the government, who blame Iraq, who blame the infidel, who blame the corporations, who blame the corporation we were just talking about, and the whole damn thing starts all over again like a huge washing machine caught up in an eternal spin cycle. So, clearly, this is all nonsense, and whoever wrote it should be banned.
Obviously blame cannot flow, so corporations are simply allowing the theory to absorb the shame that is rightfully theirs. Large organisations and governmental departments often utilise management processes such as "Blame-storming" sessions in an effort to pass the buck to other corporate entities.
You didn't do it? Good man.
Beginning Blame Placement: Blaming individuals
Learning to blame effectively takes years to master. Novice blamers tend to focus on easy subjects, such as other individuals.
- Your parents. Of course, they didn't love you, those rat bastards. And look at you, you've grown up to be a commercial waste! No wonder you don't have a job, or had one and lied on your government taxes to hide your losses and boost your stock, or just sent your country to war over non-existent WMDs. Don't worry, we understand.
- Your younger brother/sister. Unless your parents saw otherwise, it's that little rat's fault for breaking your mother's favorite vase. This sounds cowardly, but with such an annoying younger sibling, you're forced to do it to keep them in line.
- Your older brother/sister. Sure, you didn't start the fight. If they claim otherwise, point out that they're constantly blaming you for things they did.
- Coworker. Don't be timid in blaming them. Your boss will believe whoever comes to him first, so the quicker you make it known that the project failed because your coworker wasn't on the ball, the less likely you'll be the one to get fired. Of course, that will result in your coworker being terminated, but you can't help that, after all, they'd do the same thing in your situation, right? On the other hand, if you are the boss, blame an underling.
Beginning Blame Placement Part 2: Blaming animals
In most family units, the dog usually gets it. This is especially so when one of the older family members drops a silent one while everyone is watching Celebrity Squares. Whether out of desperation or simple laziness, the hope rises eternal that this time it won't smell like the back of a canning factory. But this hope is never satisfied, and other family members will quickly notice. That's when the finger pointing begins, and the dog gets worried. It's easy. Just mumble something about putting the damned animal to sleep once and for all. No one will know who it was, and still less, care.
Some more intelligent dogs have got wise to the trick and hold everything in as a consequence. This has the happy side effect of allowing them to expand until they can be used as a nice, warm and furry foot stool. That's before they eventually explode of course.
Other ways of sticking it to the dog include: "the dog ate my homework", "the dog was digging in the garden" and "the dog made that mess on the lawn". The best part is, unlike your rat-fink younger brother, Sparky can't contradict you whilst you drag him to the vet for a frontal lobotomy.
Intermediate Blame Placement: Blame it on the Boogie
More skilled players of the Blame Game have learned to implicate entire groups of individuals. Advancing from blaming your little sister to hundreds of millions of people at a time is difficult. It helps to focus on groups who are disliked or who have traditionally been assigned a great deal of blame. Find like-minded individuals and agree upon on a particular group as the object of blame. Such "blamee" groups include:
- Big corporations. Responsible for third-world poverty, social injustice, and the deaths of millions of adorable little kittens.
- That Other Political Party. To blame for the terrible state of the country/the war/the world/your inability to lose that stubborn last ten pounds. Note: difficult to pull off when your party is currently in power... not to say that you can't try. How did the liberals manage to screw up the U.S. so much without controlling the Congress, White House, or Supreme Court?
- The CIA and the Jews. Responsible for 9/11, pretty much anything that happens in the Middle East, the movie Gigli, and the idea for cutting off part of your dick when you're a kid.
- Other races and ethnicities. Crime? Bad economy? Lousy Saturday night TV lineup? You can bet it's the fault of the Blacks/Whites/Asians/Hispanics/Muslims/Native Americans. This kind of blame placement was invented by the wily Jew.
- Gays. Gays are blame for high divorce rates, decline in morality, that terrible spell of hot, muggy weather, the creation and popularity of emo, the cancellation of Futurama, and the way your asshole always hurts when you wake up hung over with no idea what happened the previous night.
- Grues. Grues are totally to blame for what happened to the CD of yours I borrowed. What? I'm serious, dude.
Advanced Blame Placement: Blame the System
WARNING: this method is only meant for advanced users.
- Society. Drunk? Laying in the gutter covered in your own filth? Trying to figure out if you have enough plasma left in you to afford another forty oz.? Who's fault is that, now- yours? No. It's not a direct result of a series of choices you made. It's society's fault. See Les Miserables
- Parents. Think about it: some people say it's all genetics. Well, who gave you those? That's right, Mom and Dad. Of course, other people say it's all upbringing. Again, who's responsibility was that? Mom and Dad again. Whether you argue it's about nature, nurture, or a 50/50 split, they're at fault. You need to think very carefully about that when you see the car, Dad.
- Government. You pay your taxes, shouldn't everything work out perfectly? If it doesn't, then it's the government's fault.
- God. This is the trump card, the Ace of the Blame Game, the Nuclear Option (if you're religious, anyhow). Learn and repeat the phrases "Act of God" and "God's Will" any time your actions appear to result in negative consequences. Incomprehensible acts of God include terrorist attacks predicted by intelligence experts, natural disasters predicted by scientists and the release of the movie "Showgirls".
- Darwinism. The winning card for the atheist. We're all just animals, so where does our biology come from? Natural selection. You can't help sleeping with your neighbor's wife; evolution favors those who screw around on the side. Millions of years of adaptation to maximize nutrient intake cause me to automatically give myself the larger ice cream cone and you, the smaller one (note: does not work in Kansas).
Scapegoating for Fun and Profit
Often total innocents are tarred with the Brush of Blame, which is considered to add to the amusement value of the individual transfering the guilt. The squeaky clean Chicago White Sox and Shoeless Joe Jackson were blamed for a conspiracy to fix the 1919 World Series, probably by the Boston Red Sox or those damn Yankees. In 2003 George W Bush blamed God for a number of situations, despite the fact that God could prove he was somewhere else when those events occured.
Sometimes individuals seeking to blame others may be found out, by a series of events or circumstantial evidence to the fact. Often these events can be explained away utilising the Coincidence Theory allowing the blame to be placed back on the rightful individual, someone else. If caught placing incriminating evidence into someones locker/bag/home, explain it away by claiming to be finding the item there.
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