Blade Runner is a 1982 science fiction film directed by Ridley Scott and based on a novel by Philip K. Penis, which depicts a dystopian future, some time next week. The script originally called for the action to be set in a vast, dark, and futuristic recreation of Los Angeles, but Scott challenged convention and set the entire thing in small, dimly lit, retro public library.
Harrison Ford plays Rick Dickhard, a former librarian, who now works at a used bookstore.
Life at the bookstore is quiet, Dickhard and the other employees, (a bear wearing a Napoleon uniform and a dwarf in a Kaiser's outfit) spend the long days sorting books and humming show tunes. On their lunch breaks they eat sandwiches and play poker. Then one day, just as The Kaiser is raising on a possible inside straight, two men suddenly rush in and abduct Dickhard. The bear and dwarf aren't sure what to do, but eventually they agree to split the pot.
Dickhard wakes sitting in a chair with a man standing in front of him. It's Bryant, the head librarian of the Public Library, (played with conviction by Ben Kingsley). He looks down and says, “Hey Dickhard, been a while, I need your help. The entire Harry Potter series has been taken out and is a month overdue, and it doesn't look like they may ever be coming back, we need those books back, we need the ‘Magic’.”
Dickhard first refuses to help, but Bryant’s threat to revoke his Library privileges force him to take the job. Bryant suspects a local gang of bookworms who call themselves "The Republicans". Their leader, Roy, is a real head case, feels two weeks isn’t long enough to read a book, and always wants more time. This and the fact that he was the last person to take out the books convince Dickhard that Roy is his man. Dickhard wastes no time, he grabs the Dewey Decimal card and takes off in his hover car looking for Roy.
He first stops to get some background on Roy and his gang from a Social Worker named Tyrell (played by George Clooney), who gives his evaluation, “These Republicans are almost illiterate, with very short attention-spans, they have to re-read a page several times to understand it. They take months, sometimes years to grasp a concept that you or I would comprehend in one quick reading.”
Dickhard is impressed with Tyrell's assistant Rachel, whom Tyrell claims is a descendant of the reknowned Evelyn Wood. Rachel confides that her speed reading abiltiy confuses her, "I don't remember ever taking a course to read this fast, it's like I was programmed to do it." Dickhard realizes he has been staring at her breasts and not listening, he looks up and shrugs, saying, "Yeah, thats something."
Dickhard proceeds to scour the city in search of Roy. He looks in a freezer, then an old hotel, then an Egyptian pet shop and finally a strip club. Realizing there is no logical reason for Roy to be in any of these places; he checks the phone book and gets Roy’s address.
Dickhard heads to Roy’s apartment where he finds piles of books from every library in the State, all of them overdue. Roy, (played by Burgess Meredith) walks toward Dickhard, a large number of books clutched in his hand. Dickhard demands the return of the Potter books, but Roy refuses. He taunts Dickhead by threatening to tear out the content pages. Enraged, Dickhard draws his weapon and fires into the books Roy is carrying, the blast throws Roy backwards onto the floor in the centre of the piles of books, and his glasses fly off his face.
Roy begins sobbing and Dickhard hears him muttering “Not fair, I finally had time, time enough at last”, over and over. Dickhard looks down and sees the thick reading glasses lying on the floor with both lenses broken and he feels as he was in the Twilight Zone.
Dickhard, stone-faced, leaves the apartment, walks into the elevator and turns around. The doors start to slowly close as Dickhard's begins....laughing.
Music Video (MTV 1982)
Holden (to Leon): Maybe you're fed up. Maybe you just wanted to get away from it all. Anyway, you're walking along in a desert. You look down and see a tortoise, it's crawling toward you.
Leon: (looks down, but there is no tortoise there)
Holden: got ya !!
Bryant: You know the score, Pal. If you're not a librarian, then you're ... I don't know ... maybe a piano tuner ... or working in food service ... or you know, probably doing something else. ... But anyway, it’s better to be a librarian!
Dickhard: I was eating my lunch before I got here, Bryant. I'm eating my lunch twice as much now. No, wait a minute ... that came out all wrong....
Dickhard: Why don’t you give this job to Holden, he’s a good librarian, let him get the books back.
Bryant: Oh he’s good, but not as good as you, besides, he got a pretty nasty paper cut last week, he’s really not up to it, it's infected and everything.
Dickhard: I'm ready to begin the Voight Kampf test now.
Tyrell: Ok... I'll get the republican now.
Tyrell: Er... Did I say something? Doesn't matter...
Rachel: Hello, I'm a republican.
Rachel: Oops, I said......, Hello, I'm Rachel"
Dickhard: Oh... OK... shall we start the test?
Rachel: What test?
Dickhard: It a test that measures emotion responses"'
Rachel: Well, that seems ok, are there any questions about tortoises?
Dickhard: (angerly tears up card) Alright then, question 2.
Batty: Gosh you've...really got some nice toys here.
Pris: well, you've been gone, and I have my needs.
Stripper: (After being shown a picture of Hillary Clinton) Is this a test to see if I'm a Republican, or a Lesbian, Mr. Dickhard?
Tyrell: What are you looking at Roy?"
Batty: I think you have something in your eyes.
Batty: "My thumbs
Dickhard: Roy, we checked the card files, you have all the Potter books and they're four weeks overdue. You owe us two dollars and fifty cents.
Roy: I am impressed, Mr. Dickhead. How many file checks does it normally take?
Dickhard: I don't get it...?
Roy: How many checks to decide the fine?
Dickhard: Twenty, thirty, cross-referenced.
Roy: But with me it took more than a hundred.
Dickhard: You really don't know.
Roy: I'm beginning to suspect.
Roy: I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I've watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser Gates. I've been to the 'Planet of Women Who Walk Around Naked'. I've crossed in the middle of the street, and even torn off mattress tags.
Dickhard: (awestruck...stares into Camera)
Roy All those............... moments in time..............will.............be lost....... like.......ah........like........hmmmm.......I know !..........gears on my train....... no wait...........beers on a plane....no no........deer in the lane........Damn, just let me think a second.
Gaff: It's too bad she won't live! But then again... Who does?
Dickhard: Well, you and me I suppose, I mean we're human..
Gaff: Yeah, I guess, but she dies for sure.
Dickhard: Definitely, she only has a four year life span, this it the directors cut "
New York Times Review - A classic example of film noir, the voice-over narration alone makes this film an experience you will not soon forgive.
The National Lampoon Review- This film about a library book is long overdue, (Please forgive the pun, it's all been downhill since Doug Kenny's death)
Keith Richards, of the Rolling Stones, who was an investor in "Blade Runner", as quoted at the UK premiere of the film, "It's just furging brilliant, best ever mate, furging brilliant, I loved all the shiny stuff that made noises, and the bit about the books."
The film was condemned by the International Association of Professional Librarians, for contributing to the belief that librarians are a sub-group of the NRA. In a statement, the Association claimed that none of its members has ever used a firearm to reclaim a book, nor is there any plan to do so in the future. Hand to hand combat is the only method their members have or will ever use for book recovery.
2012 Director's cut
Bladerunner, the Director's Cut, is a 6 hour totally re-envisioned version of the Cyberfunk film Bladerunner, now directed by Patrick Stewart. It took ages to engage, which is why the production costs were well in excess. Production nearly ended when Patrick Stewart decided to pursue his other project "Sonic XXXsteamXXX," however, after cumming out of rehab, he resumed work on the film at warp speed 9.
Plot: In the world of Bladerunner, bladerunners are ice skaters who participate in a deadly ice skating sport, where contestants clutch playing cards in their hands while avoiding obstacles that are, simply put, quite sharp and painful. Opponents can punish eachother with winning decks. It is said that a winning hand includes special defence against obstacles and attacks, and also allows the player to throw blades at opponents. So really, a very dangerous sport. However, special guest star players and sponsors can rig the game as a result of bribes, meaning that any number of new tittytraps are possible.
Deckard, a prominent pokemon player, has been selected for the game, and the protagonist, Ridley scott, is a Scotts man who believes that Metroid is better than Pokemon. Another of his favourite games is Kasumi Pingas. They both work on tittyrraps of their own, and Ridley claims his are 64 bit, when in reality he only deals in 32 bit. His best possible combination in the game is Chariztard and The flaming dick fireball from Kasumi Pingas.
Ridley Scott also tries to cheat the game by stealing eye balls from a Chinese man who serves up frozen eye balls in a new takeaway restaurant that quite frankly isn't attracting good business. He hopes it will give him better eyesight for the game.
Meanwhile, Atari, a bust company, plasters its name on the great skyscrapers/corporate buildings. It's that damn homebrew scene again who won't admit that the jaguar is a toilet. They plan on infiltrating the Bladerunner game and begging that Atari gain more life, to gain funds on developing Black Lice White Boyz, which is a Megadeth inspired game and is anti-gay/ anti-Judas Priest. Currently, sales of PieHammer are dwindling. Why? Why in this cyperfunked ice rink city is Atari failing with PieHammer and promises of a Megadeth inspired game?
In the next scene, Deckard spots Atari infiltrating the game, and he and Ridley team up to stop foul play by request of the audience and because Ridley thinks it might make him lose the game. Atari is in trouble because they've not developed card games for the jaguar, and the nearest puzzle game they can think of is Flip out! What they've learned is that they can toss off opponents into the air and then flush them down a futuristic toilet tittytrap. They had to bribe the big boss to implement it in the game in return for free Atari sponsorship.
These replicants are showing unusual emotional responses
An advert starring a mysterious replicant who hides among normal people. (Look at his replicant eyes!) This advert constantly shows on the skyscraper big screens. It's a torn up future, so dark and crazy, look at his torn up shop!
Spoiler: Black People make bad replicants. Spoiler: White men can't jump. (Deckard only just manages to cling onto the building while being ejaculated on by Sonic).
In the audience, Rick Astley, a replicant, is determined that he is actually Deckard, when Deckard insists his name is Mick, not Rick. Sonic the Hedgehog overhears and Sonic Sez, get a life and a job retards, you are small people, is that what you want? So all come and work for me and come to the off world colony called Mobius.
Tails says sonic has a big cock, and follows them but can't catch up. The film ends with all the characters realizing they've been wasting time with those stupid games and that they should have stopped to tighten up level three, but that never was to be. Sonic stands atop a skyscraper with blue tears rolling from his eyes. Rick Astley holds Sonic's hands. Sonic Sez: I've seen pingas that you people wouldn't believe. Black Kids, being told off by O'Brien, I've seen gay teams, flashing their stuff at the whorehouse gates. And all these things, never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down. If someone tries to touch you in a place that makes you cum, let your iron soldier stick up, Dick Hard. From now on, you are called Dick Ghastly, and YOU, are called DickHard. So the two were happy with that and there was no longer a name dispute. But, Ridley Scott wasn't satisfied with the events that had taken place thus far, and decided that he'd cryogenically freeze himself for 30 years and sit watching the ice rink bladerunner games until he thaws out. He hopes to be a director in the future who can fool everyone into thinking he's a strong hard old man who never stops hard work with film making.
Dickhard competes in the games the following day and wins, earning enough money to buy Atari and develop a Pokemon game with Dick Ghastly, with new monsters: Moronic and Fails, inspired by the characters (based off himself) that Sonic drew for the revered game: Sonic Poo, where something had gone terribly wrong and instead of Sonic being Blue, he was Brown, which is totally weird for a blue hedgehog. Sonic was well pleased with the results of the new monsters.
The film is left as a cliffhanger, with the Scottish Man from Kasumi Pingas planning to unfreeze Ridley Scott.
Patrick Stewart's film grossed out many people, so he decided to persue his gay career instead, called: Pingas Panther: gay degeneration.
However, he returned to the bladerunner franchise with a film titled: BladeShire, which is a fictional location based off Yorkshire, which is where he was born!
Bladerunner received the following ratings: Rotten Willy: 1/10, Hedge Magazine: 5/10, Nintendo montlhy: 100/10, Sega-Cum-reviewa: 7/infinity. Gay weekly: 10/10. Charles Manson Mag: prison worthy!
Rotten Willy was bitter that Penis did not make it into the cast, which the reviewer said is a real shame. On top of that, the film was described as too moody, with too many black people in it. Even references to Irish men telling off Black men is not enough to redeem that lacking quality of the film. Ridley Scott's acting was not well directed and the only saving grace to the film was Rick Astley, who obviously was a good choice instead of Slipknot or Rabies against the machine. The main plot involving Ice Skating is also good, but not enough people get their nuts cracked on the ice. 1/10.
Hedge Magazine criticized Bladerunner for a lack of hedges, or scenes where characters hedge their bets. However, there is plen'y of gambling in the Bladerunner game within the film, and Sonic's cock is a money maker. All in all, get rid of Atari and it's a winner, and replace Sonic with George Hedge, who they personally recommended yet the offer was rejected because Sonic is a cheap immigrant who requires less oxygen consumption, and oxygen is expensive! Hedge magazine much prefer George Hedge to Sonic The Hedgehog, and it was a lame attempt at pleasing everyone to have sonic as one of the stars.
Nintendo Monthly orgasmed over the film because of the Pokemon reference, but thought that the lack of Mario was somewhat of a juxtaposition, the same as 100/10 is a juxtaposition!
Sega-Cum-reviewa criticized the film for not showing Tail's erect penis and for not revealing if Sonic is a replicant or not. The lack of Dr Robotnik is very unusual and in itself knocks a point off the film. Otherwise good film, but they reckon there should be an extra scene on the end showing a car driving along a sunny mobius with a Bitch called Peach in the trunk.
Gay Weekly fapped and fapped and fapped with no comment.
Charles Manson says: Only me God thinks of me that this film is my God, and you better hedge your bets that it's gonna work because me I'm a lone star, one of a kind sunny, I've taught Jamaican Princes, and Jesus lied to get the film made. But I aint a teeny Bobber, what's all this Sonic bullshit about? But man I enjoy this shit on parole!
Mario, Pooigi, Willy Smitty Pingas, Craig Charles, Rilliam Transvestite Riker Shakespeare, George Hedge, Trevor Mcfuck, Ron Jeremy (as Mario), Rabies Against The Machine Slipknot, Rodney, Penis.