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Blackwood, a pretty and peaceful town in the Welsh valleys, was created when God waved a sparkly wand and brought forth a land of plenty amongst the coal tips and slurry, where sheep supped from the alcohol fountains and the cigarette trees were always in fruit.
It was a magical, beautiful place, but then a group of people called Caerphilly County Borough Council (a group of people elected because they can shout louder than anyone else) served God with a compulsory purchase order, and thought they could do the job better than God. They could not, and now Blackwood is an ugly place full of fast-food restaurants, ridiculous rusty monuments and fat people.
This is the best place in the world on a Friday and Saturday night for bringing your souped-up Nissan Micra for a jaunt along the High Street. Get the music thumping, get your cap on, and play the traditional Blackwood game of jumping the speed bumps - splendid fun. The bumps were put in by the council to attract boy racers to the town, and by Jiminy, it is working. It is excellent fun, so come and see how fast you can hit those bumps.
Blackwood also famously sports the only roundabout in the world where you can only go all the way around it before 7:30 at night. After 7:30 you will have to take the second exit, do a spectacular U-turn on Gordon Road and then go back to the roundabout to complete the journey. Prizes are given every night for the most spectacular and dangerous U-turn.
Those who don't own cars frequently hire buses and taxis from the shitty GTS Coaches, and end up spewing on the seats because GITS drivers are ex-cons, used only to driving getaway cars..
The Manic Street Bleachers - these turn up on a Saturday and Sunday morning to clean the sick and piss from the High Street. Their whistled tunes are superb.
The Bastard! Sons of John Wayne - legendary rock group of ageing but good-looking chaps - once had a number one single with 'Honey, You Give Me The Willies'.
Elvis - once lived here in the flat above the New Foresters Arms.
Melissa Etheridge - purveyor of miserable protest songs, once bought a pasty from Browns Butchers,
edit Famous People
George Washington - was once president of Blackwood in practice for the big job over the pond.
Wanksy the Famous Artist - once left a pavement pizza on the high street
Britney Spears - owns a commercial van salesroom in nearby Britannia.
Tom Jones - has never been here.
Kevin Etheridge - local man often spotted in Asda. He has his own free newspaper, the Caerphilly Campaign.
Billy Buspass - famous local omnibus traveller; gets off at the Stonehouse at opening time.
Elvis Parsley(had weird hair) - eats herbs and sings a lot.
Tony Blair - once declared war on Blackwood but was resisted by the Kevin Etheridge Guerilla Boy Racers Nightforce.
Neil and Glenys Kinnock - The former was known as the Welsh Windbag, the latter is not really famous, but thinks she is. Members of the Neo-Communist Party of Wales. Both were born on a Markham hillside and were brought up by sheep until the age of 22, when Neil suffered in the horrific sheep-shearing mistaken identity incident of 1967.
edit Remarkable Events
Speed Bump Jumping - Idris Ifans recorded 95mph on the one outside Lui's Chip Shop while driving his Vauxhall Corsa.
Wetherspoons - on 5th August 2003 they served a palatable pint of beer, although the witness has never been traced.
The Red Lion - a historical pub, was converted by a recent owner to make it look like a public toilet from the outside. The councillors who approved the planning permission have now retired to a place in the sun.
Road Narrowing - The town planners have narrowed the road and installed a zebra crossing in the High Street to coincide with the buses having to stop there due to the construction of the fourteenth bus station in as many years.
The Annual Bus Station Building Championships were won by Dai Evans (Jnr.) Construction Limited. Dai Evans is a close relative of the Blackwood councillor Dai Evans Snr.
Blackwood Rugby Club once won a match - the eyewitness can not be traced.
Blackwood Comprehensive School amazingly shot 16 chavs behind their music block after these "chavs" were smoking and mitching off PSE, the school then had a party to commemerate the success of the "blackwood shooting".
This tourist guide was written and produced by Bernie Matthews, pariah of this parish. He would like to thank Mr Punch, Erik The Viking, a yard of ale, 27 Benson & Hedges, a tub of 'I Can't Believe It's Not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, and a rather fetching picture of La Minogue.