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“Black Magic is bad, mmkay.”
Black magic, which is commonly considered the magic granted to one by the devil, usually for the purpose of winning a presidential election, or for use on former mathematics teachers. The first success in using Black magic was documented in 1782 when John Williams was elected the Governor of France. Black Magic is commonly associated with the dark side of the force, though there exist distinct differences, many of which are currently classified by the
monkey President Bush. The one defining difference is that Black Magic can not be controlled like the force, but instead slowly drains the user of their life force and uses them for it's own ambitions, causing the user to eventually look like this.
How Black Magic Works
Black Magic works in mysterious ways which are still mostly unknown. It is believed that one who uses it gets his power from the devil. Also it is believed that the untimely death of adolescents increases the power of one using the power. As of 2002 Senator John Kerry (a noted Democrat), theorized that global warming had a direct corelation to the amount of Black Magic that is able to be drawn upon.
The first note worthy applications of Black Magic
The first use of Black Magic was when John Williams turned Thomas Washington into a newt in order to take over France. This was followed up by Williams using his power to flood the world, living upon his gigantic wooden boat along with two of each of his favorite kinds of animals. (It is said that he accidentally took two elephants of the male sex, which is the first suspected homosexual animal relationship, though he turned a sheep into a female elephant later after realizing his mistake). It's most practical use to date has been prying the lids off of those stubborn jars that just will not open.
As the country of America began to grow, so did the power of certain political parties, and their experimentation with forces beyond that of nature. The Democratic party, after refuting President Bush's claims of harboring WMDs, chose not to comment when asked about the parties involvement with Black Magic. It is rumored that Senator Kerry, attempting to draw more black magic into the world, used reverse psychology in his movie over the subject of global warming. It is also worth noting that many of who have recently angered the Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton have not yet been found. One eye witness who wished to remain anonymous, claimed to have seen Mrs. Clinton in a trance, and a local news writer, who had criticized her earlier in the week, dangling upside down in midair while screaming in anguish. As of yet, no reporter who has asked her for a statement on this "rumor" has yet to be heard of again.
[Kerry after defeating the baby Jesus with a shovel]
Not only Democrats can use dark magic, in fact, anyone with a gapping black hole where the heart is supposedly located is able to conjure upon its power. Perhaps the second most powerful users, are kittens. Kittens use black magic to seduce their owners into a dumb democratic state of mind, sitting their and giggling over nonsense while they secretly try to eradicate the canine species. By using their dark powers kittens are able to conjure sharp objects at the ends of their paws which are able to be used as weapons. Demon conjuring attack cat.
How to fight Dark Magic
There are few available ways to fight dark magic. Only a Jedi is fully able to defeat Dark Magic. One thing that is proven to protect one against the effects of dark magic is liquid platypus. Jump ropes and certain other items have also shown to be resisent to Black magic mind tricks but are still able to be manipulated by other types of black magic. The only person ever to kill Black Magic was Chuck Norris, who only had to blink at it. This resulted in the near death of the Democratic party, with the republicans staying in office from the year 1897 to the year 1913. After feeling bad for the Democrats, Chuck Norris revived Black Magic, which came back pissed off, causing the great depression which followed after the reinstatement of the Democratic party.