Black Knight
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 | The Black Knight Always Triumphs people claiming otherwise will be shot |
“The Black Knight always triumphs!”
“I have a dream. I have a dream that one day we will aaaaallll be Black Knights!”
Always clad in black, the Black Knight is a mysterious mercenary who's sole mission is defeating rising inflation, British cuisine, bad gas, savings of 15% or more on car insurance and grues.
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edit Early Life
Born in a shack in a peat swamp in the middle of Sherwood Forest the Black Knight is the son of an anorexic lumberjack and an emo lesbian. The shack which the Black Knight was raised in had no windows, as sunlight burned his mother's eyes with fierce fire. The young Knight was forced to be on constant alert in Sherwood, as Robin Hood and his "Merry Men" liked to solicit sex from small people by blindfolding them with kilts and rubbing their nipples. this only happened a few times to our hero before he cut off their balls with a sharpened Grue femur at age 8. when he was 3 years old he enrolled in Sherwood Elementary. Also, contrary to popular belief, Darth Vader was not his biological father, although the two of them are distantly related.
edit Rise to Power
After the Black Knight graduated Sherwood University of Telecommunications and Carpentry with a Masters in Radio Engineering and a Bachelor in Cabinetology, the Black Knight realized that the only thing that really caught his fancy (or as Robin Hood liked to say, knocked his 'nads) besides engaging in random acts of self-destructive, testosterone induced showings of manliness, was engaging in random, pointless acts of self-destructive, testosterone induced showings of manliness. this included fighting Evil, Villainy, and Dunkin' Donuts wherever he found them. Soon enough the Black Knight proved himself a very worthy warrior, slaying everyone and everything in Sherwood, including Robin Hood, Merry Men, lesbians, Happy Men, kittens, Angry Men, hamsters, Sad Men, grues, Overtly Homosexual Men, and those damn Commies. He also cut down the tallest tree in the forest... with a herring.
edit Modus Operandi
Kick. Their. Ass. Fin.
edit Weapons of Choice
The Black Knight will usually be using the following Items:
- A Sword
- A Bigger Sword
- Mineral water (although NOT watermelon flavored)
- The 5th Wall
- Grue Foreskin (don't ask)
- Anti-Social Hamsters
- His own blood
- His Penis
edit How To Get Into A Fight With The Black Knight
Quite simple - either stand in his way, try to cross his bridge, make a pass at him, or say that the White Knight is sexier.
edit Foes
Anyone who does any of the aforementioned. Surprisingly the Black Knight's worst enemy is the White Knight (although he really isn't a match. He smells funny as well).
edit Outcome of battles
THE BLACK KNIGHT ALWAYS TRIUMPHS!
edit Late Life
Since the Black Knight always triumphs, he cannot possibly grow old or die. However, he is currently dead. How can this be? Science has no answer, they tried to do an autopsy in a locked, air sealed room, but all the morticians were later found dead, duct taped to the ceiling.
edit Why black?
Many theories were written on the fact that the Black Knight always wears black (otherwise it would have been plain silly to call him the black knight n'est pas?). The truth is, in fact, quite simple: black makes the Black Knight look thinner.
edit Universal Paradox
Since the Black Knight always triumphs, and Chuck Norris cannot possibly lose, it is well advised that the rulers of this universe refrain from placing them in the same plane. It may well cause the universe to implode or incur the wrath of god.
edit Quotes
“I'm invincible!”
“You're a loony.”
“The Black Knight is an idiot, his vocabulary doesn't consist of anything but "The Black Knight always triumphs!"”
“You call this a Knight???”
“It's just a flesh wound.”
edit Further Reading
- The White Knight, rightfully deleted by the Black Knight
- Grue
- Immunity to weapons
- Knight
