Black and White Snooker
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Black and white snooker is a hit-balls-around-a-table-with-a-wooden-stick based pocket billiards game. Although the 'colour' version of the game currently enjoys greater media attention, black and white snooker still enjoys a cult following amongst the colour blind, people who are living before 1970 and art-house cinema aficionados.
edit Basic rules
The rules of black and white snooker (commonly known as BWS) are similar to those of 'colour' snooker. The balls are named and carry as many points as in the colour game, however the balls are coloured as if they are viewed through television coverage on your grandmother's ropey black and white television set. Indeed, everything around a game of black and white snooker must not have the faintest hint of colour.
The aim is to score more points than your opponent. Points are scored by somehow getting the white cue ball, which the player strikes with a cue stick, to pocket a 'red' ball. In the next shot the player must then pocket a 'colour' ball in this way. The ball is replaced and placed on it's allocated 'spot' on the table. Another 'red' is then potted and so on until the player either misses, all balls are cleared off table, one player attains an unassailable lead or a nutter in the crowd fires highly caustic acid with a super soaker at the table, causing it to dissolve. Whilst the latter results in the abandonment of the game, the others result in the winning of a 'frame'.
Winning a series of frames leads to a gallery of frames with no pictures in them. The player with the largest such gallery when the allotted maximum number of frames have been played out, then hung up in the winner's gallery, wins the match.
A match will be forfeited upon breaking of the strict colour purging regulations, that strictly forbid anything of any colour to be used or produced during a BWS match.
edit BWS vs 'Colour' Snooker
BWS is generally understood to be the game which requires the greater amount of skill to play. Not only must one master the technique required to play snooker to a world-class standard, as well as win complicated and hard fought tactical battles with your opponent, the BWS player must be able to track all the balls' positions on the table and know which is which. Faliure to do this can result in confusing one colour ball for another, costing the offending player many penalty points.
The top BWS professionals all began as children who mastered the colour game before moving onto something more challenging.
Colour snooker is a game that is most commonly played by adults with severe learning difficulties who need something piss easy to humour them.
edit 'Colour Purging' regulations
The complete absence of colour from the venue of a BWS game is absolutely crucial and strictly regulated down to the smallest detail.
All players must wear white, black or grey clothing, have white, black or grey hair, have their skin bleached and even wear contact lenses that remove any trace of colour from the iris. With snooker being the racially inclusive sport it is, no one has ever had to have their dark skin blackened in order to satisfy colour purging regulations.
To uphold this tradition, the finest cinematographers from the world of film noir, some pretentious poncy branch of art-house cinema, spend months preparing venues for championships and selecting the clothes that the crowd may wear so as to maintain total colour sterility at all times.
edit Origins of BWS
There are many conflicting arguments as to what the origins of BWS are.
BWS is commonly thought to have only existed on television screens before the invention of colour television. This is however an urban myth. Another theory that abounds many snooker day care centres is that colour was only invented at the end of the 1960s when the colour television came into common usage. Before then everything really was 'in black and white'.
edit Official history
The version of history that the governing body of BWS, The World Black and White Snooker Association, accepts as gospel truth is that BWS actually originates from colour snooker. As the coloured game was deemed to have become too easy, with household pets and Scotsmen winning world championships being a common occurence in the 1930s. To make the game more challenging, players would now have to play in 'black and white', weeding out the dilletantes that had threatened to ruin the 'sport' as a spectacle. In 1987 a dispute between John Parrott's father and the President of the BWSA, Kris Akabusi, resulted in a breakaway tour being created by rebel players including Tony Knowles, Jim Wych and Top Cat. The breakaway tour was unsuccessful as the only sponsor to back them, UK Coal, pulled out to concentrate on Land Fishing.
As of 2010 the sport has yet to be recognised by the Olympics but along with Beaver Polishing and Naked Archery will attempt to be included in 2018.
|1927||Joe Davis||Winston Churchill||20–12|
|1928||Joe Davis||Bing Crosby||16–13|
|1929||Joseph Stalin||Tom Dennis||19–18|
|1930||Joe Davis||Joseph Stalin||25–12|
|1931||Joe Davis||Bing Crosby||25–21|
|1932||Joe Davis||Mike Baldwin||30–19|
|1933||Clark Gable||Joe Davis||25–18|
|1934||Joe Davis||Bing Crosby||25–23|
|1935||Joe Davis||Alfred the Butler||25–20|
|1936||Joe Davis||Juan Sanchez||34–27|
|1937||Joe Davis||Sir Donald Bradman||32–0|
|1938||Joe Davis||Bing Crosby||37–36|
|1939||Joe Davis||William Shakespeare Jnr||43–5|
|1940||Joe Davis||Juri Uluots||37–36|
|1941–1949 no tournament held because of rain|
|1949||Fred Davis||King George VI||80–1|
|1950||Walter Donaldson||Fred Davis||51–46|
|1951||Fred Davis||Walter Donaldson||58–39|
|1952||Robert Menzies||Bing Crosby||94–49|
|1953–1968 no tournament held because of a Frustrating Sea Fog|
|1969||Gary Owen||Bing Crosby||37–35|
|1970||Ray Reardon's Dad||Ray Reardon||37–33|
|1971||Roger Moore||The Boys Next Door||37–0|
|1972||Bolton Wanderers FC||Roger Morre||37–30|
|1973||Ray Reardon||Olivier Newton-John||38–37|
|1974||Ray Reardon||Bing Crosby||22–1|
|1975||Terry Griffiths||Stan Rofe||31–8|
|1976||Warren Cole||Alex Higgins||27–20|
|1977||Elvis Costello||Elvis Presley||2–12 (Match abandoned due to Elvis' death)|
|1978||Ray Reardon||Elton John||25–18|
|1979||Ray Reardon||Alex Higgins||24–13|
|1980||Elton John||Alex Higgins||18–17|
|1981||Rick Astley||Terry Twuntington||18–12|
|1982||Queen of the South FC||Terry Griffiths||18–1|
|1984||Steve Davis||Alan Alda||18–17|
|1985||Dennis Taylor||Alan Alda||18–0 (Taylor was found to have used banned Spectacles)|
|1986||Terry Twuntington||Pete Waterman||18–16|
|1987||Terry Twuntington||Paul Mariner||18–14|
|1988||Terry Twuntington||Terry Griffiths||1-0|
|1989||Steve Davis||Willie Thorne||164-86|
|1990||Sean Connery||Alan Alda||18–17|
|1991||Willie Thorne||Peter Shilton||18–10|
|1992||Fred Davis||Jimmy White||18–17|
|1993||Stephen Hendry||Carlton Palmer||18–5|
|1994||Gordon Strachan||Bing Crosby's Ghost||18–17|
|1995||Stephen Hendry||Phil Neville||18–2|
|1996||Stephen Hendry||Alan Alda||11-10|
|1998||John Higgins||Fergal O'Brien||8–3|
|1999||Stephen Hendry||Terry Twuntington||18–1|
|2000||Terry Twuntigton||Alan Twuntington||18–16|
|2001||Jimmy White||Sir Alex Ferguson||18–14|
|2002||Tony Drago||Alan Alda||18–17|
|2003||Terry Twuntington||Fergal O'Brien||18–16|
|2004||Graeme Dott||Alan Alda||18–8|
|2005||Chandler Bing||Alan Alda||18–17 (Alan retired after another crushing defeat)|
|2006||Graeme Dott||Joe Perry||18–17|
|2007||Ding Dong||Willie Thorne||18–8|
|2008||Zhang Anda||Ali Carter||18–0|
|2009||Alex McLeish||Stephen Lee||18–9|