Black Panther Party
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|Black Panther Party|
|Foundation||In the roots of Black oppression perpetrated by the Man|
|Political alignment|| Social: Far Black
Fiscal: Very far black
|Color(s)||Black. Very black.|
“That was a stupid pun.”
“STFU, no one's heard of you.”
“Who are you?”
The Black Panther Party (also known as the Black Panthers or just "the Panthers") was a comic strip created by Henry Mancini in the early 60's. Because of the violent themes chosen by Mancini, the Black Panthers failed to achieve popularity. Mancini eventually abandoned the idea, and turned to nonviolent Panthers, especially the Pink one. The success of the Pink Panther inspired Malcolm X (who was illiterate, signing his name as 'X') to plagiarise the Black Panthers cartoons, and eventually turn them into an activist movement during the American civil rights movement of the 1960s to further the cause of oppressed panthers, which were sold into slavery by zoos, through political means. Namely, violence.
Founded in October of 1966, the party had the original goal of ending police brutality in the ghettos by mauling cops to death. However, the members soon realized the grave ineffectiveness of this crude violence and instead began using machine guns. Although the violence was probably the main reason for its infamy, the party quickly achieved notoriety for its advocacy of black separatism, black nationalism, black political leanings, black weapons and its overtly fanatical obsession with the color black. However, the group also expressed a fondness for the colors of tar, pitch, asphalt, oblivion and dark black.
After a number of disputes in the early 1970s, the party was disbanded and its members put to sleep.
When Israel was in Egypt's land
Let my people go
Oppressed so hard they could not stand
Let my people go
Sorry, wrong time period.
Since time began, blacks had been held down by the angry white man who sold their crack For centuries, the white man had destroyed the superior black culture and advanced, village-based black society with their primitive weapons of bullets while blacks threw homing spears. And then a white man declared all slaves free, decided this was enough to end prejudice and went along to get shot. The new Man, Johnson decided to sweep the South under the rug and forget about the whole thing. Thus, for the next hundred years each white leader of the nation followed Johnson's dickish example and pretended that segregation didn't exist. But finally, in the 1950s, a brave voice came out and declared that this oppression must end. This voice was suppressed, but the words lived on.
In 1964, Huey Newton, a black (very black) panther imprisoned after a paperwork mix-up which also resulted in a tax evader being put to sleep, was released from jail. Black jail. Actually, more or less, he escaped. But that is a white man's propaganda term used against brothers (black people) who dare to question the validity of their prison system. With his friend Bobby Seale, who was also black (very black) and a panther, from Oakland City College (which has since been burned to the ground in twelve separate riots before construction workers finally gave up), Newton joined a panther power (the term deriving from a famous speech given by Stokely Carmichael) group called RAM, or Random Action Mauling. The group was infamous for its extreme, random violence and plots to blow stuff up. However, when Newton and Seale discovered that the group, for some strange reason, didn't do maulings, they decided this organization was run by sissies (who were not very black at all) and left.
After a long night of ranting about oppression of the black cats by the white bourgeoisie and their cats, Newton and Seale decided that they should start their own very, very, very black panther group. Following an obsession with black, being black, shotguns (black ones), and the color black in general, they decided to wear uniforms of black pants, black leather jackets, black berets, openly-displayed loaded (black) shotguns and, for some reason, blue (not black) shirts. Not surprisingly, they named themselves the
Blue Black Panther Party.
Answer to (Black) Problems
The Panthers quickly grew fond of Communist leader Chairman Mao Zedong, whom they believed to be the greatest (blackest) panther in all of China. Incidentally, none had ever understood that Chairman Mao was, in fact, Asian and of the (inferior) human species, while even fewer understood that China was not located just off the Cape of Good (black) Hope. In fact, few of the Panthers even knew that Communism was illegal.
Nevertheless, they accepted the beliefs of Mao as their own. But as Mao began to bring up a lawsuit to the United States courts (Chinese courts did not exist), the Panthers, attempting to dodge the plagiarism charges, decided to change their beliefs to the exact opposite of those Chairman Mao declared his to be. Thus, they began to promote the ideas of the oppression of the working class and peasantry, abolishing elections, banning arms (except those in their hands), cutting off the arms to punish violators of this ban, and totalitarianism forever. Unfortunately, these were all part of the ideology of Chairman Mao, and thus the chairman won the suit. In accordance with Mao's demands, the Court ordered the Black Panther Party disbanded and its members put to sleep. Mao went on to face the winner of Brown v. Miranda in the finals of the Supreme Court tournament and lose 9 – 0. He was sentenced to be preserved in a sterile, airtight glass display case in the middle of Beijing.
Great criticism often followed the Black Panther Party wherever it went. Mostly because of the violence. Notoriously, many (black) members suffered euthanasia during shootouts with the police. Others didn't understand the social taboo of carrying a loaded shotgun in plain view while walking around in public. To the dismay of many California law officials, carrying such a shotgun in such a manner was actually legal.
In 1967, when the California government attempted to outlaw carrying loaded weapons in public, the Black Panther Party protested by marching on the state capital while carrying as many weapons as they could. All the participating members were subsequently euthanized after being unable to put these weapons down upon the request of the entire police force and the National Guard.
On January 17, 1969 in Los Angeles, California, a number of Panthers were killed in a gun battle between the BPP and US Organization over a dispute of who would get to teach a UCLA course on how much the white man had oppressed cats. On a scale of one to ten, US Organization believed the oppression to be a 10, while the Panthers felt the number should be 10,000. After several bitter months of negotiations, both sides agreed gun battles were a much easier method of solving disputes and started killing each other again. Black Panther Party members held that this was all the FBI's fault.
In May 1969, party members tortured and murdered Alex Rackley when it was discovered that he was, in fact, a man, not a panther. However, it later surfaced that George Sams, the person who ordered the execution, was the man, not Rackley. Sams then accused Bobby Seale of being a man. This messy, tangled web of stories led to the New Haven, Connecticut Panther Trials of 1970, which ended in an absolutely confused jury and the mauling of six officers of the court.
Some wonder what the full effect of the Black Panthers was on society. Most historians agree that they did a few things that didn't involve some form of killing (whites), but with most of the members having an average lifespan of 20 – 23 years, few survive today to be interviewed or maul the (white) interviewers to (black) death.
They cleaned up Oakland so that people no longer killed others because of the color (black) of their skin (black), but rather because they belong to a different gang (blacks) or sometimes for no reason whatsoever (black), and also eliminated concentrated street violence in favor of random drive-bys. The Panthers also came up with the innovation of free, non-poisoned food for kids, got many of the poor (blacks) off drugs and onto menthols, and taught (black) people how to kill each other.
Now, thanks to the Panthers, the slums of Oakland may live in peace.