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“Um ... I'm sure this would be terribly blasphemous and all, um, if I could, like, understand what they're saying ...”
“Fuk, nigga. thiz iz racist shit, foo!”
Black metal (or BM) is the national folk music of Norway and its principal religion. It is akin to Jainism. Black metal should not be confused with Negroes or Africans playing heavy metal, such as Jimi Hendrix, Tex Avery, Rob Zombie, or Richard Pryor.
The movement's main tenets are as follows:
1. To deafen all beings on earth (including roadies, dogs, and the deaf), bringing them into the holy state of tinnitus norvegicus.
2. To legalize murder in Norway, the country with the lowest murder rate in the world.
3. To overthrow the fashion scene by introducing all-season, barbed-wire-coated, spiked and uncomfortable faux-armour.
4. To destroy Christianity and replace Christian ideologies with fascism and barbarism. Much like the Jains.
5. To splinter into hundreds of new and increasingly obscure sub-genres every day, so as to make less money.
666. To rid the planet of all human wastes of flesh and bone, including themselves.
7. To destroy all colors and replace them with grey and black.
Black metal was formed beyond the event horizon in the void of dreams in the spiritual black dimension of infernal wrath and terror within the voracious gaping vortex and yawning abyss of madness under the black mark of hell beneath the burning helmet of Arthur Brown himself, when he summoned HELLFIRE upon the pagan megalith of the panzergod of chaos, Panzer Faust, on the eve of Hvite krist's død. Black Metal took the form of smokeless eternal black fire, split into two flames and went to live in Norway and Sweden where it resides to this day. It has been used by musicians like Ozzy Osbourne and Alice Cooper, though never in its true form. Only Scandinavians have the power to wield Black Metal's true grim, kvlt, and necro essence.
Black Metal is widely thought to be responsible for the Holocaust, AIDS and Windows Vista. People think the Illuminati exists, but it's really the primordial essence of Black Metal evil coursing through all existence. Black Metal is likely the source of all evil in the Universe, except of course the evil being perpetrated by The Disney Corporation. It is more evil than its cousins, Red Metal, Green Metal and Lavender Metal, but not quite as awesome as Death Metal.
Buried by time and dust for centuries, black metal was found on the plains of Gorgoroth under the Mountain ov Doom in 1349 AD by a young Viking warrior named Quorthon. Taking the form of a goat surrounded by black flames, it approached him purposefully. Quorthon knew he was in the presence of some otherworldly force, and fell to his knees. "Please," he begged. "The Christians are invading my nation and destroying my way of life. How can I defeat them?" The goat looked him straight in the eye, and in a high-pitched voice screamed "BLACK METAL IST KRIEG! BLACK METAL IST KRIEG! BLACK FUCKING METAL IST KRIEG!!!" Suddenly, Quorthon knew what he had to do. Possessed by black fucking metal, he gathered his people for war and roasted goat tenderloin. With eyes full of wrath, he brought forth a storm of damnation upon his enemies, striking fear into every Christian who heard of his deeds. True Norsk Blak Metul had been born.
His notoriety as a true bearer of the sign of the black mark paved the way for him to form the first black metal musical horde, B.A.T.H.O.R.Y (Battling Against The Hordes of Repined Yahweh). His band included Richard Wagner on bass, legendary windir Valfar on guitars and the only straight guy from Manowar on drums. Many more figures joined his cause, such as Bendix, King of Denmark; Thomas Gabriel, the Swiss warrior; Cronos and Mantas, the venomous Anglo-Saxons; Tom, the Angel Ripper; and Richard's own son, Lemounier 'Antichrist' Wagner. Together they set out upon a series of Apocalyptic raids across Europe. And so Pure Black Metal was spread across the land, raping and pillaging and drinking goat's blood. There was no stopping it. Quorthon finally died in a mosh pit with sword in hand like a true warrior, then crossed into Valhalla. The passing of Quorthon at the Blood on Ice Festival, combined with the tragic drowning death of Thomas Gabriel in Cold Lake, and the inevitable Christianization of the North, marked the end of the First Wave.
Second Wave: The Mayhem Saga
In the mid 1980s, the second wave of black plague noise was started by a bunch of small, pale, troll-like lycanthropic creatures with hoofed feet from Norway, who sought to re-awaken the ancient religion of chaos and destruction and re-discover the true source of the Eternal Black Flame.
The First of the Fallen were known as Mayhem (not to be confused with the confused white pop band Mayhem), who emerged from the frost bitten woods of Norway in 1984. Raised by wolves as children, they first discovered Black Metal deep in a cave while hunting fresh meat. In the deepest, darkest part of the cave, they stumbled upon an ancient artifact that had once been wielded by Thomas Gabriel: the legendary Hellhammer. Once wielded, the hammer had the power to deathcrush anyone in its path, freeze the moon and generally create pure fucking Armageddon.
For many months they used the Hellhammer to fashion makeshift musical instruments out of branches, rocks and dead babies, and their unearthly noises could be heard far and wide across the land. They instantly deafened every Christian in a 50 mile radius. Soon they had become an unstoppable force of evil, and the second wave, True Norwegian Black Metal, had been unleashed upon the earth. Many Christians were necrobutchered by black metal maniacs during this time. Most also just ended up dead, opening their veins before putting a shotgun barrel in their mouth.
Their music brought forth other forces of evil into the world. Ihsahn, the Black Wizards, became the Emperor of the lands of the Welkin and the majesty of the night sky in the nightside eclipse, and the King of the Shadowthrone, Nemesis Divina, ruled the Dominions of Satyricon, carrying a flag of dominion and hate. Nocturnal cultos established dark thrones in Transylvania under a funeral moon causing a blaze in the Northern sky, and the immortal Ravendark, who was damned in black from the beginning, formed a new nation of Blashyrk, near the heart of winter establishing pure holocaust. Enslaved Norsemen, who had been living life under the hammer, having melted their frost bondage shackles, were set free to once again return to Yggdrasil. Parents everywhere were terrified. Somewhere, in the infinity of thoughts, pagan fears were realized, causing many sheep to hate them, but it was far too late. The essence of time had shattered, causing a permanant release of red clouds and holocaust winds.
During this period, the mountains of Norway were terrorized by Fenriz wolves, fire-breathing Abbaths, Satyrs, Nattefrosts, and something called a Gaahl which is thought to be similar to a Grinch, i.e. reclusive homosexual in strange makeup. All mythological creatures in Norway play black metal. The ones who don't were banished to Narnia, land of Christian allegorical faggotry.
Dead, an otherworldly incarnation of depression, appeared to the members of Mayhem one day out of a thick veil of funeral fog. His voice was more painful than anything their ears had ever heard. He was soon made lead vocalist. He became famous for keeping dead animals in plastic bags, burying his clothes and refusing to eat. Realizing that fame and fortune as Mayhem's vocalist would mean he could never get depressed again, he decided to end it all. One day he took a shotgun and blew his own brains out, shocking absolutely nobody. However, the fact that the rest of the band took pictures and made necklaces out of pieces of his skull did. There was a rumor that they ate his brains as well, but to this they responded, "What are we, crazy?" Mayhem's notoriety grew from this point, but as they would find out, success is a double-edged bloodsword.
The force of Mayhem would from then on be beset by adversity. The more famous they became, the more they hated themselves for being famous. This led to discord between the wolfen brethren. After devouring many of their own members over the years, and turning others into posercorpses, only their leader, Euronymous as he called himself, remained. (Anonymous was already taken.) He recruited pyro-demon Kristian 'Varg' Vikernes, Count of Grishnack and Wanderer of the Evil Shores, to play bass. The Hellhammer itself played the drums, and a local warlord named Attila took over vocals.
They took their unholy crusade to the Nidaros Cathedral, home of the Norwegian Illuminati, and storming the walls took possession of the ancient necronomical scriptures, De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas. Blessed with these revelations, Mayhem and their followers made a pact with Satan, to make a grand declaration of war against the Christian church. Led by Varg's love of burning things, they set ablaze many of Norway's oldest churches, and ate grim and flameroasted marshmallows.
The final step in their crusade was to open the gates of Helvete and unleash the Apocalypse upon the Earth. Using the malevolent tome, Varg sought the key to the gate. Euronymous however, became convinced Varg was mad and wanted to keep Helvete closed. An epic battle ensued, and Varg slew Euronymous by stabbing him 23 times, because 23 was a sacred number to his Lord and Master. With his dying breath, Euronymous used an unholy spell on Varg, casting him into the dungeons of hell. Varg swore to one day escape and finish what he started. In 2009, he was released by the parole board of Hades, and some followers of the Black see this as one of the Final Signs of the Coming Hellfire. But most know that he's just bat fuck insane.
The feature film of these events is coming out this year. Varg is boycotting it on advice from his parole officer and the troll living inside his brain. Jackson Rathbone is set to portray him, and is currently working on training his stabbing arm.
Eventually most of the second-wavers ended up in jail, faded into obscurity or were labeled posers due to having half-decent production. Mayhem are still around after some of their members were brought back by necromancy, and they still wield the Hellhammer. They have even let many other groups use the Hellhammer, increasing the overall power of the Black Metal cause.
More recently, a new development awakened in black metal. Several new faces in black metal appeared with the intent of making black metal part of the earths atmosphere and thus call it atmospheric. They are mostly inspired by Varg for inspiration. New faces include Scott Conner, the Malefic Xasthur; Jeff Whitehead, the Wrest-ling Leviathan (now famous for sexually assaulting his girlfriend with his tattoo tools); Aaron and Nathan Weaver, who wish to let Wolves into the Throne Room; Willy Rousel, the Remains of a Ruined, Dead, and Cursed, Soul of Mütiilation; and Kanwulf, from the Germanic lands of Nargaroth.
Viking Black Metal
Black Metal was spewn from the spiritual black dimension of infernal wrath and terror within the yawning abyss of madness under the black mark of hell beneath the burning helmet of Arthur Brown himself at about the same time that Odin was hanging upside down from Yggdrasil and being fucking badass. The wisdom he gained by doing this allowed him to see the emerging BM genre for its grim and necro glory, and he joined B.A.T.H.O.R.Y after Richard of Wagner died in a tragic firebreathing accident. The result of his joining was an album so good, it brought forth a Ragnarok of blood, fire and death. Odin died as was his fate, but Quorthon was not deterred. Inspired by his sacrifice, he changed his name to Hammerheart and rode to Asa Bay, and in the name of Odin killed all the Christian sunsabitches he could find. He quickly gained a huge cult following, which was dubbed the Cult of Asatru, or 'tru kvlt' for short. And so Black Metal was forevermore associated with the brave and mighty Norsemen.
Since then, black metal has received a bad reputation because many of the bands in the genre support replacing traditional Judeo-Christian culture with Norse Paganism. One reason for this is that in Norse mythology the people of Earth were separated from the Gods by a rainbow bridge not unlike the one used by the Care Bears. While this may seem like a strange connection, many Black Metal artists ended up with severe mental disorders because, as children, they were not able to receive Care Bear Dolls the Christmas season they were the hot toy. It is a logical conclusion that they would reject the Christian tradition of Christmas and prefer to bring back the Norse Paganism that connects them to their loveable Care Bears.
Nationalist Socialist Black Metal
Nazi Black Metal was started by a German tank crew called the Panzer Division Marduk in 1939. At that time there was no music that adequately gave them erections whilst killing Jews, so they decided to write some of their own. Commander Rob Darken and his crew recorded their debut album, Aryan Jewblood Holocaust, in a graveland next to a concentration camp. The production was pretty low-fi, due to it having being recorded in the "belly of the beast". (Inside a tank). The music created such bloodlust in the man that they decided to outlaw every black metal band from outside their country from crossing the border, on pain of death by battleaxe. This was known as the Dark War. Legions of followers joined their cause as they battled against the enemies of the Reich, the poser black metal bands from Finland. The reason for this is that it's more blasphemous to only want to kill Jews, blacks and foreigners than to want all of humanity dead. This is especially true in countries full of very white, blonde, blue-eyed people.
After successfully defeating the forces of false metal, Herr Darken's tanks broke down due to beer being spilled on the components and the crew randomly smashing the inside up with baseball bats. So they decided to run naked into the Carpathian woods with spiky weapons and form a new Paganazi underground. To this day you can still hear them screeching if you're walking the woods of eastern Europe under a full moon, five seconds before you get stabbed in the face with a rusty screwdriver.
Unblack metal bands are bands that play black metal and have evil imagery but actually worship Jesus. These bands are considered gay by real black metallers and blasphemous by the Christian community (or would be, if a single Christian had ever heard of them). This brutal irony hasn't deterred these intensely obscure artists from writing such masterpieces as Invert the Inverted Cross, Crush the Bloodied Horns Of The Goat and The Day of Total Armageddon Holocaust (Actual titles by unblack metal band Horde). It's the policy of true black metal bands to seek out unblack artists and declare Black Metal Shenanigans on them. This usually involves introducing them to your knife collection.
- Women exist in the homoerotic world of Black Metal, and are occasionally used for breeding purposes, however their roles consist mostly of polishing weaponry, washing bloodstains out of leather and posing for cover images involving nun costumes, goat heads and lubricated crucifixes.
- Upside-down crosses are NOT still Christian symbols, they are most definitely blasphemous, even for people with upside-down heads. Even when turned right-side up again, an inverted crucifix will retain its unholiness.
- Burning down churches, carving swastikas in ones chest and playing with ones trouser serpent hanging out are not done just for attention, ever.
- The Left Hand Path isn't just for Luciferians and rebellious teenagers. It's also a scenic year-round travel destination, famous for its sunny graveyards and relaxing lava beds.
- Black Metal artists take their kraft seriously, and so should you, lest you be consumed by The Goat.
- Black Metal artists take their Kraft Dinner seriously as well, Macaroni and Cheese is very popular among Black Metal fans. If you notice they have a large plate of it don't comment. They are easily offended as they have low self esteem, that's why they hide behind all the makeup. And as we all know, Kraft was founded by the Freemasons.
How to Tell Black Metal from Death Metal
Think the two genres are just bloodthirstingly, deafeningly the same? Well, almost. The vokills in a Death Metal band usually sound like some sort of cute animal being drowned in a bucket of ammonia. Black metal vokillz sound like Satan raping an ocelot in the forests of Carpathia or a bird being strangled by the tentacles of Cthulhu. Death Metallers are all serial killers, and write all their lyrics using medical dictionaries and d-grade horror movies, while Black Metallers are mass murderers and take all their themes from books supporting genocide of humanity and make crappy music videos in the forest during winter. Unlike Death Metallers, they always wear corpse paint, because black metal artists are actually corpses brought back to life to worship Satan and Odin, while death metallers worship Baphomet, Kaamos, Evil Chuck, and Satan. It's been rumored that some black metal corpsepaint is just a mixture of incredibly pale skin and a smearing of the venomous ichor that flows through their veins. It's also been proven that when you make idiotic faces while wearing corpse paint, you look 50% less ridiculous than when making the faces normally. This still means you look ridiculous.
Black Metal and Death Metal have been known to merge together when melted with Hellfire, into a Blackened Metal ov Death. This form is particularily popular in the World ov Worms, with members ov Goatreich fleshcults and among demigods ov rebaelliuns.
How To Make Black Metal
Can I Play Black Metal?
No, you can't. Black Metal is so extreme that anyone who tries ends up dead in a Satanic ritual or runs off into the woods never to be seen again. Even if you manage to avoid annihilation by this purest expression of misanthropic hatred and musical jackassery, you'll probably go insane and kill your entire family. The only way to survive is to become a money-grubbing whore which is totally not kvlt. But ask yourself, do you really WANT to be this kvlt? Could you handle living the rest of your life as a closet homosexual in a shack in the Norwegian mountains, torturing random people for fun and drinking wine? If not, just make some mediocre norsecore and leave the real black metal to those who are already completely insane.
Black Metal Ist Krap
Still not deterred? Fine, don't say you weren't warned though...
Fortunately for you, you don't need to know how to play real music to play black metal. Can't play drums? Just record sounds from a construction site. If you can't sing, just howl at the full moon. Remember: if in doubt, just take to recording with an entire symphony orchestra so nobody notices just how bad you really are. As long as it's "atmospheric", all the kids will run to their computers and download it 3 months before it comes out. Of course they will never hear the final mix, so they will forever believe your band to be "raw as fuck" and believe themselves to be grim and necro for listening to it. If people actually start buying your albums, immediately disband or change your sound completely so as to alienate every one of your fans. Having fans is not grim, kvlt or tr00.
There are some good musicians in black metal. But you should never mention this to anyone as it breaks the self-deprecating RPG-like mythology that black metallers have created for themselves over the last few æons.
If you don't know how to behave in the real underground Black Metal-scene, just make sure you stick to the 101 rules for Black Metal. You can find them under this trve fucking norsk arisk black metal link: http://www.monmouth.com/~hgreen/writing/101bm.html
Eventually you may achieve success as a completely unknown behemoth of pure evil and hate, forever underground like the leviathan Ea in the deeps, your music never being heard by mortal ears and never being tainted by the blinding ignorance of humanity. Once you reject the confining expectations of religion, society, and grammar, you can determine your own fate and fuck anyone who gets in your way. This is the true calling of the black metal hordes, not to play for anyone but yourselves, to create music blacker than death in order to find your true path. Cut your flesh and worship Satan! Embrace ugliness and destroy beauty! Walk the path of sorrow! Become one with DEATH! Keep the Black Flame burning forevermore! Seriously, BECOME ONE WITH DEATH! The shotgun is just sitting there, are you too much of a pussy to use it?
The Great Old Ones may be Dead but Dreaming, but soon enough the Massive Hoof will arrive, Cthulhu and Ea will rise from The Abyss and the Great Serpent will devour the Sun. The blasphemic noise of Black Metal stirs them from their Eternal Slumber like a whisper from the Void, beckoning the End of Days. When the stars align, the Æon of Lucifer will begin, and the Undead Hordes will ravage the Earth with Fire and Brimstone. As the Deathmarch begins, the Veils of Perception will be cast aside, Absolute Madness will take hold and Mankind will be utterly Annihilated. All souls will be cast into the Primeval Void to burn in Eternal Flames of Agony. Once the Great Work of Ages is finally complete, God's head will rest on a pike and the Weak will be Consumed. Only those truly Illuminated by the Black will be left when the New Age begins. Chaos will forevermore reign over all existence.
Do I believe? It believes in me.
Editor's Note: The author of this article was last seen running naked into the forest with an axe, screaming "SATANSATANSATANSATANSATANSATANSATAN". If spotted, please call your local men in white coats. Thank you.
- Dimmu Borgir
- Varg Vikernes
- The Freezing Moon
- Liberal Democrat black metal
- True Norwegian Black Metal
- HowTo:Make Black Metal
- White Metal
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