Black Karl Marx
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Black Karl Marx (not to be confused with Fredrick Douglas who also has a cragly beard and hair) is a Spanish pornography actor, political theorist and cold-ass-playa. The illegitemate child of Condoleezza Rice (who at the time still spelled her name with three Es) and Gollum (who at the time still spelled his name "G-R-U-E"), he was born on January 7th, 1978. He was raised in Spain until he was 5 years old when his parents decided to immigrate to Canadia. After their plane landed, they realized that Canadia sucked ass and so they went to live in America via Oregon's unprotected border. Friggin lazy assholes.
After moving to America, Black Karl Marx began keeping a diary which he continued to keep until his death in the bunker. In these diaries he poured out his heart and soul, writing prose, poetry and the occasional few paragraphs of political theory. Often he mixed styles and produced his own unique blend of Urban, RnB, Proto-Socialist rimez:
- Yo, werd to the proletariat!
- Notorious criminal black activist
- Hide your valuables and don't protest
- I'll steal your T.V. and create a new world order
- Bling Bling
Along with experiments in literary style such as this one, Black Karl Marx also wrote his fears and anxieties:
- Today, the kids at school forgot to shoot me with their paintball guns. I think this is a sign that they want to be my friend. Tomorrow, I'm going to ask if one of them wants to come over to my house to play Zelda. My parents asked me if I was gay. I wrote a poem on a desk with a knife about death. Wow, my black cock sure is big.
Undaunted by the insinuations of homosexuality that followed him throughout his youth, Black Karl Marx bought and began to operate a cattle ranch in Tennessee, where blacks can't vote since the last black senatorial candidate was "stealing all the white women". Enraged at the flagrant racism of his state of residence Black Karl Marx decided to begin writing a thick, dry, pasty, though subtly ironic treatise which he called 'That's Capital!', the title being a sarcastic approval of anti-black prejudice expressed in archaisms not used for over a century in the UK, and unheard of the backward, heavy drinking, cow fisting state of Tennessee. Unsurprisingly, the work did poorly and Black Karl Marx suffered relentless persecution at the hands of the Tennesseans. After several years of trying and failing to avoid the wrath of the Tennesseans, who had tolerated Black Karl Marx up till that point largely for the tourist revenues produced by his feces, Black Karl Marx was forced to seek refuge in the city of Englewood, founded by his long time comrade in arms, Black Frederic Engels (being black and all, the apparent misspelling of his own name in the title of the town he founded is not altogether surprising).
Synopsis of 'That's Captital!'
In 'That's Capital!' Black Karl Marx reduced the problem of Tennessee's racist voting policy into the following mathematical terms:
Where B is the shade of a black man's skin expressed as a value along the Spectrum of Darkness (a stick from a white tree that has been halfway dipped in dung), V is the velocity at which an Imperial Wizard's cone-shaped bed-sheet hat travels as it is being lowered onto the Imperial Wizard's head, and E is the constant 28394019283019231.28394019283019231. The interaction of these values produces X, which is surplus mead that must not be hoarded by either the Imperial Wizard, the Grand Dragon or the level 9 Paladin, but rather distributed equally amongst the population by a group of people who are elected into a position of power by the population itself.
Stopping black people from voting produces frustration (F) amongst the black community over the lack of mead going their way and over time (T) this grows into a lack of kisses and love for white people (-XXX). Of course, that can all be avoided if the blacks are allowed to vote:
Surplus mead is distributed evenly amongst the whole of the people when blacks are given proper representation (PR) through their elected leaders (EL) and this in turn leads to great love between blacks and whites and ipso facto a great abundance of interracial pornography (XXX) which can be sold to neighboring nations for a profit.
Black Karl Marx's ideas were considered heinously blasphemous, Tennessee's priests formed a coalition and began a campaign to inform the population of Tennessee about the blasphemies perpetrated by Black Karl Marx. The quick adoption of these ideas by the people of Tennessee lead Black Karl Marx to coin the now famous phrase:
- Chuch is the Chronic of the Cracker.
Exile in Englewood
Black Karl Marx reached Englewood somewhere between the year 1920 and the year 200063, he was said to have bolted into the city completely naked, having had to strip away his clothes in order to summon up the black tribal powers of his ancestors in his attempts to evade further persecution at the hands of the rabid Tennesseans, who, donned in bedsheets, chased him on white stallions while each of them held a burning cross in one hand and a javelin in the other (being a people who spent the majority of their lives in the saddle and who had permanently bowed legs as a result, it was no great feat for them to be able to balance on a horse without the aid of their hands). Black Karl Marx spent many months in Englewood under the protection of Black Frederic Engels and during this time the two of them, through channeling the dark powers of early socialism, attempted to create The Communist Mephisto, a hideous demonic creature forged of solid horse shit. The Communist Mephisto broke free from it's bonds and terrorized America until it was kicked out by Adam Smith in a coalition with Henry Ford and Adolf Hitler. The Communist Mephisto fled to Europe, where it smeared it's way across Russia, caking the country in red manure, it flung itself over to China where it exploded and covered the faces of every man woman and child with it's fecal essence, South America was next and then Africa, but while in Africa it was shot by a poacher after he mistook it for a whale, and it died.
Life in Hollywood
Black Karl Marx first became interested in being an actor in 1996. He first appeared in a local film entitled "Naughty Naughty Communists" playing a doctor who has to punish some naughty communist ass. His career later blossomed into stardom. He even made a cameo appearance in Girls Gone Wilde. His became the most notable and famous cock in North America. After making thousands in the porn industry, Black Karl Marx decided to make one of his wildest fantasies (wilder even than the anal scene he did that included golf balls, freshly cut grass and a genuine 19th century Whig wig) come true and turned 'That's Capital!' into a Broadway musical. The musical did much better than the novel, some say that this is because Black Karl Marx presented a more mature representation of his ideas on stage than he did on paper, others that it is because Tennessee is a depraved hell hole filled with illiterate drunken hicks who believe books are the toilet paper of the rich, and who, when possessed of the proper fiscal resources, buy books simply so that they can wipe their anal sphincter of fecal residue with them, and thereby have a taste of the high life.