Black Jesus

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Dustin brown on a good day.

“All these bitches, and all these hoes, one sucking my dick, and one licking my toes”

~ Dr. Dre

“Life without Black Jesus is like sex without a good spanking... you just don't fucking do it.”

~ Sir Charles M. Talleyrand on Black Jesus

“Jesus was obviously black. He liked gospel, called every-one brother, and couldn't get a fair trial.”

~ O.J. Simpson before going to prison

Jesus Christ! He's Black as the middle of night.

Dustin Brown, more frequently known as "Bruce Allan", "Smokie J", "Brotha Christ", "Homie Jesus", (on very rare occasions) "Jebus" or "J-izzle" ("Yo!"), was a legend created by pot-smoking Jay during his travels in South America (in search of chocolate weed), to convince small children that Bill Clinton was planning a Communist revolution (which he was). Soon, the Afro-American religious figure was the target of worship from the Brazilian cult "Libera o Badaró" (which means "Free of the Bush" in one of the 1963 Brazilian dialects). If he were to choose a sandwich shop, it would be Quizno's.

This fanatic religious group, in partnership with Soul Train, released the Rick James Version of the Bible in 1981, a funky, soulful audio cassette product. Fortunately, James was blissfully oblivious to the fact that, in Brazil (his target audience), the audio cassette was stuck on the shelves due to the fact that no one in the entire country, except the dictator himself, had access to tape players. However, the next year James thoughtfully put a version in book form on the market, finally convincing the Brazilians to get rid of their Communist dictator, Bill Clinton. (Clinton eventually moved to America.) It was revealed in a recent interview that Black Jesus is of mixed Polish, German, and Ethiopian heritage.

According to that group:

• "39% of all black men born in this city are negros".
• "4% of 7% of all blacks who go to college are niggaz".
• "For every two children born black, one dies alone."
• "Black Jesus has 6 in. more dick than White Jesus"
• "80% of all European Americans who suffer burning-related deaths die black".
• Jesus said to John: 'Come forth and you will receive eternal life!' But John only came fifth, so he won a toaster.

Black Jesus in his true form. Indestructable, no white man can touch him. His only weakness, some big ass booty

"Have no fear...Black Man is here".

Further data confirms the prejudice:

• the best Beatles album is the White Album (originally titled the grayish whitish album)
• the worst Metallica album is the Black Album, the worst AC/DC album is Back in Black and the worst Spinal Tap album is Smell the Glove.
• Paul McCartney is dead.
• in the United States of America (currently Jesusland), out of every 7 million blacks, none are clean of aids, and are usually infestid with crabs.
• of all interviewed black persons, 50% referred to themselves as 'black', 50% preferred 'nigga', and the remaining 45% told the interviewer to fuck off and stole his wallet.
• and....the blackboard was replaced by the whiteboard.

The identity of Black Jesus has not been disclosed, however speculation has pointed at Jimi Hendrix, Martin Luther King Jr., Soulja Boy, Jackie Robinson, Oprah Winfrey, and perhaps the most prominent, his sparkly highness himself, Michael Jackson. (though the change in the color of his skin has caused controversy among Black Jesus fanatics). The failure of the dead members of this group to rise from the grave after three days is disputed.

His eternal enemy is Benito Mussolini, because he really pissed him off when he invaded Ethiopia (never mind Hitler invading Poland or Hirohito invading Manchuria). After being kicked out of Ethiopia, he currently resides in Heaven.

[edit] Trivia

• Black Jesus came from the distant city of Banjo Land
• Jesus was not white
• Black Jesus is most likely a part-time rapper
• Black Jesus is nobody's homeboy
• Lightning bugs follow black jesus in the daytime.
• Black Jesus is the half-brother of Chris Puthiakunnel.
• Black Jesus' penis is the size and shape of texas.
• Black Jesus lovesilk is so robust it can be used to escape from tall towers in much the same way as knotted bedsheets or Rapunzel's hair.
• Black Jesus will answer any question a true believer asks him - all questions are answered "Ohhhh Yeahhhh!".
• Black Jesus is made of the secret, hidden elements Funkium, Soulium, Grooveium, Shaftium, Samuel L. MUTHAFUCKIN Jacksonium and Boron.
• Black Jesus once stole a birthday and sold it on Ebay for $42.
• Black Jesus is known to have written all lyrics for both 2pac and Biggie Smalls. These lyrics were only edited by Shaquille O'Neal and a random deer.
• Black Jesus turned Kool-Aid into malt liquor.
• Black Jesus stole my bike.
• Black Jesus has 3000 nipples
• Black Jesus created the left-handed noseflute.
• Black Jesus can 360 windmill cram from the foul line
• Black Jesus' mortal enemy is Really Really White Jesus
• Black Jesus taught others how to speak spanish
• black jesus caN also be known as "nigga jim", "fred" or "dam that son bitch nigga! he ate my cream pies!"
• Black Jesus likes the smell of warm poo fresh out of naturesbumhole.
• Black Jesus is most famous for his work and colaborations with eminem and sam sparrow, his latest hits "niggas in da hood" and "blakc nigga got no rights" are said to be chart toppers.

Black Jesus is Michael Jackson?

Black Jesus in his later years. What? of course he's still black!

• Black Jesus holds the world record for most illegitimate children of a non-rapper or non-athlete.
• Black Jesus is said to be "down" with His Holiness, the Dalai Lama, going so far as to tag-team with him during the famous Rage in the Cage against L. Ron Hubbard and Abraham Lincoln.
• Black Jesus was a founding member of The Jesus Squad best known for helping the Squad 'Black it up' during their earlier career. yah boy ythis is the shit i am dizown with the brizowns and blizacks so hell yeah Black Jesus pride..
• Resurrected Hayao Miyazaki in 2000 with a holified' chicken wing and forty.
• Contrary to popular belief, Black Jesus and George W. Bush have brunch the second Sunday of every month.
• Like most Black people, Black Jesus was only born because God "thought condoms killed the feeling". He was also born out of wedlock.
• Black Jesus released a hit single in the seventies simply called "Black Jesus." The lyrics of the chorus are as follows: Black Jesus/ I rose from the dead/ to get in bed/ with you
• Also an avid supporter of AA. "Them niggas got me out sum deep shit!"
• Black Jesus Turned 20 barrels of water into Kool-Aid
• Black Jesus has his posse back in the day, there were 12 of them called the disciples also known as D12. D12 was eventually disbanded when the group member Judas, betrayed Black Jesus and proved his superiority through a single track which cleverly enough bore his own name simply with periods between each letter. He then proceeded to join an every shittier group of disciples.
• Black Jesus is the only Jesus
• Black Jesus is the king of every sport that's not Nascar, and Hockey. "As soon as they make heated ice rinks and air conditioned cars, I'll be good at dat shit too. YAA HEAARDD??"
• Black Jesus is the only person in the world faster than Usain Bolt, and his reported PB for the 100m is 8.92 seconds.

Black Jesus is the one true son of Morgan Freeman, who is actually God in disguise.

[edit] Other blacks of historical importance

Black Jesus often wore no shirt so that he could impress the ladies and bang them.

There is no such thing as a important black person Expect 4 the person who created fried chicken

[edit] Popular Media

The popular "Black Jesus" album was released to great critical acclaim in the mid-1970s. The chorus of the eponymously-named song was as follows:

Black Jesus
Cruisin' in his Cadillac
Black Jesus
The Savior in Black!
Black Jesus
Healin' all the cripples
Black Jesus
Turned the water into Ripple!

[edit] Black Jesus: The Hobo

Black Jesus, aside from being the savior of all mankind, is also the pseudonym of a hobo in Chapel Hill, NC. Our savior BJ has threatened to rip out the spine of the homeless man BJ, but cannot afford the price of an integrated plane ticket. Please donate to Bj's cause.

Question: What does black Jesus think of white Jesus?

[edit] See also

• Zulu Jesus

[edit] External Links

• Temple of Black Jesus
• YOW Lisun to JEEzuz maza fukin biatch!