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Wednesday August 31 2005

Today's Featured Article - California


California is a huge proving ground of the United States of America on the Pacific Ocean. Although it has two Senators and hundreds of Reprehensibles in the U.S. House, it is not a state but an experimental mosh pit, where new social trends are refined before being unleashed on the nation. The current experiment is a full-body transfusion where a state's entire population is replaced by the population of Mexico.

What is now California was first settled by the Indians. Like eloping teenagers, the Indians came from somewhere else, but it seems they belong there and we don't. Over 70 distinct groups of Indians settled in the territory, where they developed Kachinka dolls, did rain dances, and hid from meteor showers. Unfortunately, they forgot to bring their shotguns, hot rods, and laptop computers, and they are now free to smoke-um peace-pipes and such on pristine reservations in the state's more barren regions.

The next arrivals were Spanish galleons. In 1565, a fleet called the Thrilla from Manila made unintended visits to California on their way back from somewhere else. In 1579, Francis Drake did better, not just visiting the region but going to the Land Office and filing a claim. Vizcaíno explored and mapped the area in 1602, and no one got the point, which is evident at every Town Planning Board: that every innocent "attempt to take accurate plots" is a plot to take over.

No one did, however, until Portolà explored in 1769. He never got anyone to help him with the backward accent over his name, but the Spaniards started setting up presidios, this long before they started turning up in movies. They also founded Los Angeles and San Jose, a place to make movies and a place to watch them, respectively. These were the first pueblos, though movie stars now shave them. San Jose became the "world's largest truck stop" long before the first tractor-trailer. (more...)

Recently featured: California

Yesterday's Featured Article - British ski jumpers

Eddie edwards3

The imperialist ambitions of the United Kingdom used to be expressed through colonisation of half of the known world and a complete exploitation of everything it had and it did not have to offer. Nowadays, this behaviour being virtually impossible due to the pressure from the part of the UN and NATO, the British decided to conquer the world of sports. Unfortunately, their plans are usually ruined by different countries, depending on what discipline Britain tries to compete in. In cricket the country is beaten by South Africa, in soccer by Italy and in ice hockey by most of the known countries, whether Northern or Southern. Such losses on multiple fronts have urged England to create several entirely new sports disciplines, which only the British would know how to compete at, notably "unsuccessful ski jumping". Unsuccessful ski jumping is roughly the same as the usual ski jumping with the only difference being the fact that British ski jumpers have, since the dawn of sports, been trained to fail. (more...)

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Calender, don't forget my B-DAY


December 1: Sherlock Holmes Day

  • International December 1st Day (Not Scotland)
  • 0000 - Chuck Norris Created the world and God.
  • 0000 - 00:01 The DFS sofa sale starts
  • 0001 - Advent invented.
  • 0002 - Advent calendars invented.
  • 0003 - Chocolate advent calendars invented.
  • 1531 - First slave ship carrying White people crashed off the coast of Mali.
  • 1887 - Sherlock Holmes appears for the first time in a dazzling sheer white silk tafetta evening gown, creating an instant sensation throughout the Victorian world.
  • 1889 - Holmes appears again, this time in a pink lace teddy, during a "pre-release" trade-show demonstration of the latest features of Windows Vista.
  • 1891 - Holmes is killed by Professor Moriarty.
  • 1892 - IN soviet Russia Popular demands YOU
  • 1894 - Holmes is back by popular demand.
  • 1897 - Holmes disappears over Switzerland's Reichenbach Falls, only to reappear three years later on the northern shoals of Lake Lugano as a giant squid.
  • 1935 - First known accusation of pedophilia made against Woody Allen when he is caught staring at hot Asian infant in next crib.
  • 1981 - Britney Spears is conceived. JUST LEAVE HER ALONE!!!!
  • 1988 - Geddy Lee ate breakfast.
  • 1993 - Sonic the Hedgehog is run over by Jimi Hendrix on a floating motorcycle of jealousy
  • 1995 - School of the year survey results stolen. Sherlock Holmes investigates. His response:"Elementary, my dear Watson."
  • 2000 - United States of America replaced with exact replica. No one notices, except for rest of world.
  • 2001 - The Sherlock Holmes cartoon sweeps the nation of United Kingdom, hundreds die when bad dubbing and flashing-far-from-this-future lights caused people to bleed from their ears.
  • 2001 - Chester Bennington of Linkin Park claims that this is "his December" in the album "Hybrid Theory".
  • 2006 - Satan returns to earth.
  • 2006 - 09:30 Satan gets mugged in Compton.
  • 2006 - 10:00 Satan goes back to hell, deciding it's safer.
  • 2012 Oscar Wilde is born again.
  • 2009 Chuck Norris Super kicking the world into place
  • 2009 Blane Davis looks like Dave mustaine. Dimebag enthusiast "Big Reed" pwns all.
  • 2010 Holmes, God and Satan meet. Holmes proves that God is evil and Satan is benevolent. Chaos ensures as mass exodus happens between hell and heaven. Millions on earth die. But are not sure whether to go to hell or heaven.

Even more kool stuff!!!!!!!!

Writer of the Month

Writer of the month
GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!

Seriously, we love you.

Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.

Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!

It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!


Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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