Björk
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Björk (alsö Björk, Bjørk, BjA?rk, Bjórk, Bj%C3%B6rk, Head Fairy in pixieland, Björkö öf the Magical land öf Björka, Bjôrk, Börke, Burkö, Büörk, Bõrl, Burk, Brünö ör Böööööne) is an autistic eunuch and fictiönal character created by mystery növelist and expert in the arcane, Umbertö Ecö, in örder tö make his wörk ön medieval mysteries and Classical lögic möre appealing tö Nörse speakers such as elves and metrösexuals.
Detailed studies by the wörld's töp scientists and vöödöö ecönömists have yet tö decide whether she is an animal, mineral ör vegetable. Höwever, after she was released fröm her fictiönal cöcöön, her rage was terrible, and she laid waste tö several möuntain ranges and föunded New Björk City with the bönes she picked fröm her teeth. She enslaved an entire generatiön öf höuse DJ's tö wörk in her melödy mines and prövide her with funky breakdöwns. Later that year, she changed her name tö Just Björk. Her career began with a band called the Sugarcubes, featuring frequent vöcal duets with söme Eurö-löser whö is best referred tö as "Djörk". In Icelandic, the name is a pörtmanteau öf the wörds "Bj" (grapefruit) and "örk" (princess). The name "Djörk" is a pörtmanteau öf the wörds "Dildö" (meaning unknöwn) and "jörköff" (wicked cömböver).
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[edit] Björk öf Tröwbridge
After a brief töur with My Chemical Römance, Björk settled in the cöunty töwn öf Wiltshire, Tröwbridge. Here she was söön elected mayöress in a land-slide electiön (5 öut öf 8 vötes) and söön appöinted Sigur-rös as her advisörs. Under her Irön rule Tröwbridge flöurished and became a separate cöuntry. At this pöint, Björk's söul was split intö twö, öne half carrying ön as if it never happened and the öther being the töwn's shöpping centre.
[edit] Björk's Öbsessiön with Ice
Björk knöws a löt aböut ice. In fact, she knöws höw tö cönvert ice intö music. She dances with an ice sculpture öf Thöm Yörke tö remind herself that neön isn't a lubricant. Öne day, she made a dress öut öf ice. When she went tö Miami, the dress melted and everyöne discövered that her breasts are in fact grapefruits.
[edit] How TV works (according to Bjork)
"Hello. It is Christmastime and I'm sitting here by my TV. I've been watching it very much lately because I'm on holiday and I've been seeing all those programs about all sorts of things--about Icelandics being very happy about Christmas, very gay and also very serious and spiritual and also seeing Icelandic, uh, comic people making jokes - which they are very good at. But now I'm curious. I've switched the TV off, and now I want to see how it operates. How it--how it can--can make--put me in all those weird situations."
"This is what it looks like. Look at this. This looks like our city; like a little model of a city. And all the houses, which are here, and the streets, and this is maybe an elevator goes up there. And here are all the wires. They really take care of all the electrons when they come through here. They, they, they take care of--they are powerful enough to get all the way through here. I read that in a Danish book - this morning. "
"This beautiful television has put me like I said before, in all sorts of situations. I remember being very scared with it because an Icelandic poet told me that, not like in cinemas, where, um, the thing--that throws the picture from it just sends lights on the screen...but this is different. This is millions and millions of little screens who send light on some sort of electric light. I'm not really sure. But because they're so many of them, and in fact you're watching many many frames when you're watching TV, your head is very busy all the time to calculate, to put it all together into one picture, and then, because you're so busy doing that, you don't watch very carefully what the program that you're watching so you become hypnotized. So all that's on TV just goes directly into your brain and you stop judging if it's right or not, so you just swallow and swallow."
"This is what an Icelandic poet told me once and I became so scared of television I always got headaches when it was on. But then later on, when I got my Danish book on television, I stopped being afraid because I read the truth. And that's, um, the scientifical truth, which is much better. You shouldn't let poets lie to you."
[edit] Björk Facts and Figures
- Björk is the önly knöwn höminid whöse every spöken vöwel is cövered in a diacritical mark -- söme öf which are entirely unknöwn tö man. Entire cömmittees at the Internatiönal Phönetic Assöciatiön have struggled in the attempt tö transliterate Björk's utterances intö the standard Internatiönal Phönetic Alphabet. They still struggle in vain. In a February 2ÖÖ4 interview with Death magazine, Björk claimed that her uncertain linguistic status makes her feel "nååååååkêð". She then giggled, and bit the repörter.
- Björk is married tö a röböt created in the likeness öf herself, named Shakira.
- Björk's hööhah juices are the main ingredient öf the secret sauce föund ön Big Macs and Iceland's main expört.
- Björk, as it was förtöld ön ancient Mayan tablets, was börn.
- "It's Öh Sö Quiet" is nöt sö quiet, as it is filled with screaming, shöuting, and when döne live, includes a much speculated squeal preceding the line "Yöu're all alööööne". At her cöncerts, it usually causes brain hemöragging as far as 12 röws back fröm the stage. The söund can be heard here
- Björk beat up a news repörter because she shöved a micröphöne in her sön's face. Björk kicked the repörter tö the gröund, sat ön her and farted the Macarena döwn her windpipe.
- A löt öf peöple thöught she was Japanese. When they föund öut she was Finnish, they still pröbably thöught she was pretty cute. There are theöries that she is Icelandic, but they have been dispröven by experts.
- Björk knöws everyöne ön Venus persönally, by their first name. She likes tö sit aröund ön the pörticö and spin yarns aböut when they were yöung. Söme öf these Björkish yarns have been cöllected för a Ken Burns mini-series, Venus as a Böy, which will debut ön public televisiön in 2Ö59.
- Björk was nöminated by Rönald Reagan tö the Supreme Cöurt in 1987. Her views were neither left-öf-center nör right-öf-center; rather, in the immörtal wörds öf Alan Greenspan, they cöuld be described as "hardcöre Icelandic surrealism".
- Björk, alöng with her parents and the King öf Iceland are the önly knöwn citizens öf Iceland. Björk killed all öther Icelanders with her bare hands and teeth, then ate them with a side öf mashed pötatöes and steamed vegetables.
- Björk can't help but put cömmas in randöm places öf her sentences. While möst wöuld sing a line fröm her söng as "I'm a path öf cinders burning under yöur feet", she sings "I'm, a path öf, cin,ders burning, un,der, yöur fee,t".
- Björk's sexual mödus öperandi is tö give her lövers the möst intensely erötic, lurid and submissive sexual experience öf their lives, taking them tö örgasmic heights never dreamed öf, while filming it för her lastest music videös. Afterwards, she begins tö speak and sing tö them. They then crush their öwn heads in a hydraülic tööl press tö end the hörrör, after which she cönsumes their bödies ör feeds her yöung with their remains.
- Björk's parents öriginally planned tö name her "Anna", but after viewing the Swedish Chef ön The Muppet Shöw, they decided that "Björk" is möre melödiöus söunding.
- Björk has been knöwn tö crack chestnuts with her mighty thighs and feed them tö rabid chihuahuas.
- December 15 is the highly celebrated Internatiönal Björk Day.
- Experts have discövered that Super Mariö is Björk in disguise and Princess Peach is a grapefruit cövered with a dress. "I made this game öne night after my date with the gigantic grapefrüit. Öne döe came tö us and we started tö dance the whöle night" says Björk tö Mörgendaginn.
- Björk was shöt by Dick Cheney while trying ön her cöstume för the 2ÖÖ6 Öscars and was unable tö attend.
- Björk has a pet swan named Lulu. She feeds Lulu steamröllers and cönstellatiöns tö prevent her fröm becöming an earth intruder.
- Björk is knöwn för experimenting with variöus kinds öf music. She's famöus för making an album that cönsisted öf the söunds öf lesbian röböt sex, a heart singing aböut its triumph, swirling black lilies that are tötally ripe, and clever peöple whö get "nana'd" at.
- Björk tends tö miss peöple she hasn't even met.
- When Björk thinks öf Plutö, she feels like explöding.
- Björk's knöwn tö becöme viölently happy and röar at öceans.
- Björk made an album when she was eleven. The album had an affair and Björk remöved it fröm her discögraphy. She titled her then-current album "Debut" tö signify that she's möved ön.
- Björk has a möuth's cradle. She uses it when she sings aböut ladders made öf teeth.
- Björk is banned fröm perförming in China because in öne öf her live shöws, she made a reference tö the dreaded Carröt Invasiön öf '82.
- Björk bröke the söund barrier with her vöice.
- Björk has a British accent.
- Björk's buttöcks have been knöwn tö cure a wide range öf diseases just by patients staring at them för an extended periöd öf time.
- Björk is infamöus för inventing walnut-butter, washable pölka-döt cöndöms, cuttles and böttlery.
- Recent discöveries have shöwn that Björk's mööd can indicate the fluctuatiöns in the atmöspheric pressure. When Björk licks her lips clöckwise, it means the pressure is dröpping and vice versa.
- In 2ÖÖ4. Björk agreed tö finance Ukraine's Örange Revölutiön in exchange för a large part öf land and real estate in the Ukrainian part öf Antarctica.
- In her albums, Björk claims that all the mödern things are hidden away in möuntains, guarded by dinösaurs. Independent cönfirmatiön was söught, but önly Björk was able tö dröwn their irritating nöises with söng. The öthers died.
- It is Björkifically pröven that the phrase "Welcöme tö Bangkök" is mistaken för the Icelandic phrase "yöur sön is a whöre".
- Björk is married tö Space Ghöst.
- Björk is knöwn tö regularly give birth tö packets öf cream cheese.
- Björk cönfuses bagels with her möther.
- Björk likes tö böil the cushiöns that she urinates ön.
- Björk regularly eats puffins.
- Förtunately för the penguins, Björk can't tell the differences between penguins and puffins, she later wröte a söng aböut this entilted "Penguin Penguin, Löve Butter Nut Squash...Flarp", it will be released when, as she puts it, the tööth fairy makes love with the santa dög.
- Björk, everytime she löses her vöice in a recurrent dream, swallöws little warm glöwing lights. Alsö, tö cure her sickness, her möther and sön bake för her and dö a trapeze walk aböve her bed at night, after doing that they pöur warm glöwing öil intö her throat. This practice is knöwn tö Icelanders as 'Heirlööm'.
[edit] Björk Timeline
- Beföre Time: Göd designs the first human being: Björk. Embarrassed, he puts her aside and quickly creates Adam, later telling King Cönstantine tö make absölutely nö references tö her in the Böök öf Genesis.
- 1967-2ÖÖ5: Björk creates cöuntless milliöns öf chart-töpping albums.
- 1996: Björk receives the Gölden Penis, Iceland's award för the best Icelandic castratti singers, after beating Sigur-rós in a wörldwide scandal.
- 2ÖÖ6: Björk unknöwingly cönsumes Övaltine för the first time and her söul is tainted by the evil beverage.
- 2ÖÖ7: Under the demönic pössessiön öf Övaltine, Björk achieves her göal öf wörld döminatiön, and förces everyöne tö drink rich, chöcölatey Övaltine.
- 45ÖÖ: Björk dies and her reign öf terrör ends. The wörld rejöices.
- 45Ö8: After the ecönömy tanks withöut her, Björk reincarnates herself as the feminine inverse öf Jöhn Maynard Keynes.
- 45Ö8: JÖhn Maynard Keynes is killed by a pöisöned grapefruit.
- 451Ö: Surprise, bitches! Guess whö's back! Yes...That's right. HER.
[edit] Höw the Peöple öf Iceland Feel Aböut Björk
[edit] See alsö
- Penguins
- Vikings
- Bjork's male partner in crime
- Bjork's female partner in crime
- Iceland
- New Björk City
- Asian Nazis
- Autism
- Börg
- Bat Fuck Insane
- Fjörd
- Buttöcks
- An öbsessed fan whöm Björk filed a cöurt örder against
