Bizarro Jesus

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Bloink1 solid
This article is being considered for deletion in accordance with Uncyclopedia's deletion policy.
This page may not fit in Uncyclopedia, or may not be funny with little chance for redemption.
Please share your thoughts on the matter at this article's entry on the Votes for deletion page.

Born at around 70 A.D., Bizarro Jesus was created by Buddha in an attempt to restore the cosmic balance back to a state of neutrality. The exact Yin to the Original Jesus's Yang, Bizarro Jesus was the complete polar opposite of our true Lord and Saviour (though, strangely, not the anti-Christ). While not evil per se, Bizarro Jesus' singular aim was to follow Jesus' life, but taking the dark path instead of the light one, there by bringing harmony once more to the universe. Physically, he looked just like the Original Jesus, except he had no beard, just a goatee moustache taken from a (willing) goat.


Oh, and he had blue skin as well

edit Bizarro Jesus, a Life in Bullet Points

  • Was born following the miracle of 'un-immaculate' conception by three bikers on a pool table.
  • Studied to be an insurance salesman.
  • Turned wine into urine.
  • Never ever went on and on about his dad...not even once!
  • Ate the poor.
  • Attacked the crippled.
  • Repelled many potential followers with his scatalogical Sermon in the Ditch.
  • Lasted about 20 minutes in the desert before magiking up a bean burrito.
  • Killed Lazarus.
  • Sold out Bizzaro Judas to the Romans for some ice cream.
  • Crucified Pontius Pilate before melting Rome like his ice cream.
  • Satanist.
  • Loved by the Pharisees.
  • Stayed dead after dying a peaceful death from old age.

edit The Many Marvellous Miracles of Bizarro Jesus

Eat this, for this is my flesh.
  • Brutally murdered 5000 people and fed their remains to two loaves of bread and a fish.
  • Walked underwater.
  • Swam on land.
  • Set up payday loans at the Temple.
  • Cast pigs into demons.
  • Threw rocks at people.
  • Went to heaven for three days and kicked everyone out of his mother's studio apartment.

edit Bizarro Jesus Quotes

"Judge not lest ye feel like buying me a pint."

"Cursed are the freaks, for they shall become performers in circuses."

"Are you my mommy? I know 3 different Marys and I get them all confused."

"Who give money to poor? People am sick!"

Personal tools
In other languages