Bivouac

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A bivouac is an improvised shelter made from whatever objects are at hand at the time. Making a bivouac can come in handy in any situation, whether you're stranded in the middle of a hostile rainforest, or in the middle of an office building (constructing a bivouac in the latter circumstance may be frowned upon).

[edit] Introduction

There are several different types of bivouacs that can be constructed, as illustrated by the diagram on the right. They can be easily built using rocks, and a tarp that is either green, orange, greater yellow, or lesser yellow. If you have a purple tarp, then forget it. You might as well hurl yourself into a ravine now and save time.

From the diagrams, it is easy to see that yellow tarpaulin is the superior type. Among bivouac academiics it is generally accepted that the orange tarpaulin is superior to the green. Though common, brown, grey or greyish green tarpaulins are not suitable for building bivouacs. They are just not sufficiently aesthetically pleasing.

[edit] Types

Below are descriptions of each bivouac type, along with instructions on how to build one if you're lost in the woods and need a shelter (note: these instructions only work if you're conveniently lost in the woods with a tarp, several pegs, a toolbox, and a drill).

[edit] Green Tarpaulin Bivouac (Tarpaulum Vertus)

Find two trees and tie a rope between them. Throw a tarpaulin over and weight each side with rocks. Lay a tarpaulin inside the bivouac. If you have a cell phone, smash it, and use the battery acid from inside it to burn a hole in the tarp, so you can see outside. If you have any flares, use them as spikes to help set up your bivouac and support it, ensuring wilderness survival. Remove dismembered legs before use.

[edit] Orange Tarpaulin Bivouac (Tarpaulum Tastelus)

The method is the same as with the inferior Tarpaulum Vertus, except instead of having two sides, one is replaced by a gaping hole, allowing a refreshing dampness to saturate your sleeping bag and keep you refreshingly cool, perhaps even giving you trenchfoot which will give you a lovely excuse to spend all your time lounging in your luxurious shelter.

[edit] Lesser Yellow Bivouac (Tarpaulum Aqua Depositae)

Tie ropes in a triangle to a tree brach and drape a tarpaulin over the ropes, pegging them down with pegs you have in spite of not bringing a tent. This is a superior bivouac, as the tree branch directly above the inhabitants exposed head will continuously cleanse the eyes and respitory organs of the inhabitant as they sleep, with a purifying stream of water drips, dissolved sap and insects. A few insects will not be toxic and may even battle off ants drawn by the allure of an exposed camper.

[edit] Greater Yellow Bivouac (Tarpaulum Insanus Dangerus)

For this, the king of bivoacs, simply drape a tarpaulin over a wall and weight it down with rocks. Take care that any rocks placed on top of the wall are at least as large as a human head, but slippery enough to drag off the wall when the inhabitant invariably knocks into the tarpaulin overnight, as shown in the diagram.

[edit] Urban Bivouacs

The urban bivouac is a bivouac constructed in the middle of a city, the middle of a highway, or the middle of an office in a public building in order to provide temporary shelter for the inhabitant, as well as provide amusement for various passersby. These bivouacs are much more lenient and can be constructed out of almost anything--indeed, professionals consider the best urban bivouacs to be the ones made out of the most outlandish substances, i.e. disgarded diapers, insurance papers, lawn clippings, or dead birds.