From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 04:43, May 31, 2009 by Todd Lyons (talk | contribs)

Jump to: navigation, search
File:800px-Cataract surgery.jpg

How Biology is taught today.

Biology is the branch of science that is concerned with studying anything that requires a certain amount of brain capacity reduction that Chemists and Physicists are unwilling to go through.

If students are forced to take science classes, only morons and trust-fund babies will be found in Bio. Everyone else will be in real sciences like Chemistry or even Physics.

People who study biology are generally known as dorks, but some crude American slang dubs them as "intellectuals." Many biologists are known to be underqualified for chemistry but overqualified for baseless literary study.

It is often cited as ‘the science of the 21st century’, a notion which causes understandable discomfort to physical scientists and has resulted in the emergence of pointless hybrid subjects, such as biophysics and creationism.

The reasons for physical scientists’ superiority complexes is currently unknown, but unpopularity at school and unfulfilling sex lives have been cited as two possibilities. However, such speculation remains the domain of true pseudosciences, especially psychology.

Foundations of Modern Biology

There are four unifying principles of biology:

  • Taco theory. All living organisms eat at least one taco in their life, the basic unit of energy in all organisms. In addition, the core mechanisms and chemistry of all tacos in all organisms are similar, and taco meat emerge only from preexisting tacos that multiply through Taco Bell.
  • Scientology. The world was created by Zenu and his spirits create our emotions. Tom Cruise proposed this theory.
  • Sex. Babies are made when people stick their hot dogs into a girl's donut. It's a perfectly normal and fun process, don't laugh.
  • Homostasis. The physiological processes that allow an organism of one sex to enjoy sex with an organism of the same sex.

Grossness quantification

The Holy Grail of Biology is a quantification of grossness. Currently, researchers must rely on qualitative descriptions such as "icky" or "foul", but this has made repeatable experiments essentially impossible. (Leading some scientists to reject biology as pseudoscience.) Many attempts at gross measurement have been made, but all have fallen short.

The Blackwood-Gerber Method involves immersing a sample in a volume of water proportionate to the sample's mass. After one hour the water is drained and its concentration of gross particles measured. This method is unacceptable, however, because many things which are not gross become gross when immersed in water. (Indeed, most gross things are more gross when soaking wet.)

The Flannery Scale, developed by Sean Flannery, is sometimes promoted by biological texts, but in reality is a thin veil on qualitative descriptions. Flannery surveyed people on how gross various things were, then compiled the results into a numerical scale. The scale was unusable in practice, since there was no way to place a non-surveyed thing on the scale. Flannery's own data is often cited by biology critics who note the frequent cyclical grossness. For example, people rated dead fish as more gross than bread mold, bread mold as more gross than broccoli, and broccoli as more gross than dead fish.

Biology is usually taught to high school students by the old and jaded, but ultimatly brilliant, Mr Sheppard. His trademark method of teaching is to hold up two fingers with his right hand in a 'upyours' position, and shout "WEAK AS PISS!". Although he often swears in class and makes racist jokes, he insists that he is only joking.

People who study, or have studied biology can be recognised by a few distinguishing characteristics:

- In absolutely NO case do biologists use deodorant, resulting in a stench which can be smelled approximately 5 miles away.

- Everything is recycled, nothing is thrown away. Therefore many biologists end up living in houses made out of empty milk packages and candy wrappings.

- Biologists tend to be so fond of animals, that conventional sexual urges are replaced by.. not so conventional ones. 89% of all animal-sex websites and 92% of all animal-sex farms are owned by biologists.

When taking Biology in school and have no friends in your class... it is imperative to find a valid partner. This method is intense to the x-treem, so listen closely:


Step one: Spin around, arms spread out wide. Should you hit someone, grab a hold of their hair, and haul them in your direction. This shows that you're interested.

Step two: Once hauled, make them sit down in your chair. Dig around their hair and search for delicious bugs. Should you find any, stick them in your mouth and begin to chew, then swallow. Repeat process if possible, and if it comes up, ask to be their partner. If they run away, knock them down and ask. If you knock too hard, drag them to your table and make them sit down.

And you're set.

Biology and Breasts

Breasts are biological. They are made of bouncy bio-stuff and tipped with biotic nipples. This is the only reason that men study biology. They hope to see breasts.

Sadly, most biologists never, ever see any real live breasts, not even their girl friend's breast, and just end up surfing the Internet one-handed because the other hand is too busy. Real biology is concerned only with shit and piss and blood, which actually repels those with breasts, resulting in a cycle of pointless, self-defeating behaviour. Sadly enough they continue in their hopes of evolving the ability of "self-pollination", but in the meantime continue work on a robotic woman with breasts. Biology is taught by the greatest teacher in the world

Sexual Biology (aka: Anatomy)

Legend has it, that boobs and sex in the biological society of the world are an extent to where sex actually comes from. The study of where sex comes from and sexual biology is known as, "anatomy". But who gives a fuck about anatomy? Biologists believe that anatomy is actually the study of the human body, itself. Well, they're too erroneous about the fact that anatomy is bullshit and a facade knowing for that they frankly don't give a shit about a tit. Biologists are not uncertain, but they're close to use the fact that anatomy isn't about sex, it's about the penis, which is the "g-spot" that serves anatomy. Today in our biological society, we have used a special theorem to support our details about why anatomy is about sex. We call this, "The Oliver Clothesoff Theorem". Unlike The Hairy Ball Theorem, the Oliver Clothesoff Theorem is a sexual theory about whether or not anatomy is about sex and the study of sex, itself. What we use in this special theorem is that we use sex-related details and genetically enhanced questions to answer our biggest question in biology today: "Is anatomy the study of sex or the human body?". No war or conflict has been resented, albeit the fact we discover the relationship between sex and sexual parts of our body. As of today, we have finally answered our question. The answer is: "both; because not only does it mean the body and sex, it means where we [get] our sex." In other words, because the Oliver Clothesoff Project is finished, anatomy is the study of sexual parts of our living body. Despite the fact we mentioned a calculus-related theory, our biological society has ended conflict with and began the new scientific discipline known as, "anatomy".

Personal tools