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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Biltong.


“Will work for biltong”
~ Typical Afrikaner on biltong
“R110/kg jys van jou vokken kop af!!”
~ Typical Afrikaner on price of biltong
“Hey, this tastes a lot better than what we got back home!”
~ American on biltong
“This stuff may safe the world one day”
~ Steve Hoffmeyer on biltong

Biltong spelled bijltong or just biltong is a type of raw, cured or dried meat snack popular to the Afrikaner population of South Africa and is vital to their existance. Biltong can be made of virtually any kind of meat be it game, beef, ostrich, human (less popular), crocodile, snake, monkey, dog, fish, cheetah or elephant with the exception of kittens. The word biltong is from the Dutch bil ("beak") and tong ("toung") and can be directily translated as buffalo-tongue. Biltong is similar to the American snack beef jerky with the exeption that it tastes a lot better.

edit Origin

Wild biltong

Biltong in its natural habitat

The history of biltong has a humble beginning, starting when the Dutch settlers came from Europe to South Africa in the early 17th century in need of some better place to expand their empire. Upon arriving they noticed a decline in their livestock and found that the native black folk stole their cattle for no apparent reason. Something had to be done to prevent this from happening, so die boer maak 'n plan. The settlers decided to slaughter all their livestock themselves, cure it, spice it and dry it out to make the taste unbareble to the native folk. Thus solving the refrigeration problem, cementing its status as the favourite meal of the typical Afrikaner.

edit Ingredients

The ingredients were bestowed upon the settlers by God after 2 weeks of continuous prayer.

The most common ingredients in biltong are:

  • Meat
  • Salt
  • Pepper
  • Vinegar
  • Meat
  • Rope
  • Dryness

Other ingredients may include meat, spices, chilli peppers, worcestershire sauce and meat.

edit Importance of biltong in South Africa

Biltong is the most important cullinary substance in South Africa. Biltong is the prominant fuel source, staple diet, table snack, medicine and aphrodisiac for the typical Afrikaner. Without it their culture may be lost.

A possible example of the importance of biltong was in 1994, when a shortage of biltong rendered the Afrikaners catatonic and led to the ANC winning the election and ruled Nelson Mandela as the first black president of South Africa leaving the country scarred and desolate. Since then the ANC made sure the Afrikaners will never take back the presidential seat by keeping the biltong production to a minimum.

As a result most Afrikaners purchase their biltong on the black market or make it themselves.

edit Types of biltong

Not biltong

This is not biltong.

Because eating teh same type of food is boring the Afrikaners started making a big vealriety of biltongs. These may include:

edit Plain Beef

Consistantly the most common and popular type of biltong on the market due to the simplicity and the Afrikaner's reluctance to change. Plain beef may be purchased in its plain form, chopped, diced, sliced or alive. Plain biltong is often eaten with a carving knive to ensure the perfect bite size peace is cut off and to look like a real dik boer.

edit Snapsticks

Biltong made into smaller stick like snacks, these are more common at garages and quick-stop-shops due to the ease of eating them in your car during a road trip.

edit Chilli Bites

Not for the meak! These snacks, although similar in shape to the Snapsticks, are known for their extreme chilliness. It is said that Rambo once kak'ed himself upon tasting one of these delightful treats. The typical Afrikaner male may consume a whole serving of chilli bites, without pause, due to its addictive flavour.

edit Droë Wors

Also known as Dry Sausage in english, not to be confused with biltong.

edit Fine Ground Biltong

Not as common as the other types. Fine Ground Biltong can often be found in young Afrikaner's lunchboxes spread on bread. The other more popular way of consuming this product is to snort it like cocaine

NOTE: Biltong is always eaten with bare hands (sometimes a carving knive is used), no matter what type of biltong it is.

edit Biltong in comparison to jerky

edit Biltong Worldwide

Due to the popularity rise in biltong as a result of the 2010 Soccer World Cup and its addictive taste, the demand in biltong has increaced exponentially worldwide.

Some countries like Britain have outright banned biltong fearing the Afrikaner population in Britan would start to revolt and take over Europe.

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