Billy Joel

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Joel posing before returning to the Never-ending Party in his Club The Ass House

William Martin "Crushin' Ice" Joel (born May 9, 1949) is an American master of music, piano man, and club owner. He had a successful career in cheesy pop music, producing popular singles such as "Piano Man", "Woflman Jack", and "We Didn't Start the Fire".

edit Early life

Billy was born and raised in Brooklyn. At a young age, he was kidnapped by Little Richard, who locked him in a dungeon below the streets of New York with nothing but a piano for 6 years. The correct keys would light up on the piano, while incorrect playing would be rewarded with electric shocks. Billy practiced and practiced, and developed an innate sense of pianism.

edit Musical career

Billy was signed to his first contract at 7 years old by Purple Hat Records. With them he released his first Worldwide Number One Hit Give me my Piano, Man. The song featured Dr Dre and Weird Al Yankovic and also helped launch each of their solo careers. His other well-known songs include the runaway hit "Scenes from an Iraqi Restroom", which deals with the acute shortage of toilet paper in Iraq. His most famous song was the well known (in Guildford) White Wedding, a controversial yet alluring song about marrying his sister, then spending the honeymoon humping away in New Mexico, which isn't that far from the World Famous, "We'll vomit all ova' ya'!" brothel, often thought to be the birthplace of Nuckworth Chorley.

His second solo album "Tiananmen" was named after the square in China, despite there being no mention of it in the album. Since Joel was living in China at the time of recording, it is believed the Chinese government censored all of the anti-communist imagery. This would account for the 30 minutes of silence that follow the second track, and precede the last 2 minutes 34 seconds of the final track. The theory of intervention buy the Chinese government is just speculation a this time, but you'd have to be an idiot to not see the obvio-... (Article unfinished: author hit with poison dart).

In 1981, Joel released his five-part concept album Songs in the Attic Parts I-V. The concept was based on a dream Joel had, where he was at home and strange music was playing in the attic.

Joel continued with the release of I aint the Entertainer! and Don't ask Questions, Especially Why. These drove Billy's popularity through the roof and the money he made from them helped re-shingle his home. It was during this time that he first experimented with Vodka and discovered that it reacted with Francium Fluoride. Contrary to popular belief, his song Christie Lee off of the album My Innocence, Ma'am, was not about the bitch he was living with at the time, Christie Lee Brinkley, but was actually about Geddy Lee, Christie simply being the pet name Joel had given him.

His next album, Storm Front Porch, contained some hints at his secret communist regime, such as the track Lenin's Grad(uation) and Shameless (Communist Lovers). Some people still dispute the idea, claiming that he was simply using an extended metaphor, comparing famous communists to New Yorkers and pimps. 27 years later, he released his last album, River of Dreams and Other Marijuana Induced Indigo Visions.

edit Life as a Pimp

Joel recorded successfully for several years before indulging in his childhood fantasy of being a major pimp. He quickly attracted the grandest collection of whores in the United States. This angered former Pimp Lord Charlie Sheen and lead to the brief, but extremely bloody, War of the Bling, by the end of which Sheen's troupe of prostitutes was reduced to include only two D-list entertainers, Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Pee Wee Herman.

Joel began to build his Nightclub Empire with the construction of the Post-Modern Glass House where he now spends most of his time. Bouncers at the club are ordered to never let the Male to Female ratio below 1:8, as such men are sometimes forced to wait for months in order to gain access to the club. Nevertheless, all agree it was worth the wait. Joel has built numerous other clubs and visits them occasionally in order to acquire more women to bring back to the Glass House. His other clubs include My Life on 52nd Street, NY, Storm Front in Leningrad (for those Russian Chicks), Nightlife Serenader in Allentown, PA, and The Downeaster Pimp in his hometown of Cold Spring Harbor.

To this day, his flowing hair and tall stature attract all women in the world. One look at Billy Joel, and no matter what, if you're a female, you're gonna wanna tap that. No lie. It's like he wears Sex Panther or something.

edit Arson Controversy


This Captain Jack (right) will not get you high tonight.

Despite his claims to the contrary, evidence supports the conclusion that Billy Joel did, in fact, start the fire. No verdict has yet been reached in the arson trial which began in the spring of 3234. Main Article: Billy Joel Arson Controversy

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