Billy Corgan
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“ Squeel like a pig, boy!”
~ The man who taugh Billy to sing
“ Ree! Reee! Reeee!”
~ Billy Corgan Live in concert
Sir William "Butt Fuck Billy" Corgan Jr. is the Round-headed, nasal-voiced, egotistical only person who maters and lord creator of the Smashing Pumpkins, Zwan, The Marked, BC's Hootenanny, Poet, Solo artist, and hunched-back genius.
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[edit] Childhood and Origins of Billy Pumpkin
Billy was born in Silent Hill roughly 1979. Son of Lord Voldemort and Jocelyn Wildenstein and a descendant of the person/object known as 'Pyramid Head', Billy spent his childhood being bullied for being almost as freakish as the Elephant Man. His father was known to dress him up like a little girl, forcing him to masturbate to pictures of Scott Baio. Some say this incident inspired Billy's unique music. Others say it stems to the time he was gang raped by Bozo Clown and Ringmaster Ned, which Billy completly enjoyed. Being half worthless, Billy became bald, as is inevitable in his bloodline. Along with his defective genetics, he has a whining singing voice. Yet he is also abnormally tall and talented as Martians are. Billy is often uncomfortable with his height, especially around his Deimosian family and has acquired a permanent hunch.
As a small child Billy spent much of his time listening to his uncle, David Bowie talk, reading Enid Blyton novels and watching Faces of Death, acquiring a very British vocabulary and declaring things to be 'cracking', 'jolly good fun', 'ripping' and 'smashing'.
Regarding Corgan's much publicised hair loss, his follical trauma stems from an illicit relationship involving Courtney Love circa 1993-95. Love literally sucked the life out of Corgan (via his penis), an occurrence commonly associated with Ms. Love, which scienticians have concluded causes the side effects of hair loss, paranoia, loss of bladder control, psychosis, uncontollable weeping and, in most cases, death via shotgun blast to the head. However this did not happen to young William as he was already suicidal so he became pro life.
[edit] The Smashing Pumpkins
Billy came up with the name for the band one day while out at a gay bar. A beautiful trannie named James Iha appeared, showing off his most delectable bosoms. Billy's response was "you have absolutely smashing pumpkins!"
Billy started the Smashing Pumpkins one day on a whim.
Billy ended the Smashing Pumpkins one day on a whim.
Billy revived the Smashing Pumpkins one day on a whim.
[edit] Speech
As well as having a voice whinier than an orgy of foxes mating at night, it is well known that more often than not Billy talks in the third person. Uncyclopedia understands that Billy does this due to the horrific childhood experience of him realising that he is a complete douche.
Examples of Billy's 'third person' talk:
'Billy Corgan is finished now. Billy Corgan wants an applause.'
'Billy Corgan has replaced you with a synthesiser.'
'Billy Corgan writes the songs. Billy Corgan says the rest of the band stand there and look pretty.'
'Billy Corgan learnt that two of his band members were making sex. This made Billy Corgan angry, Billy Corgan turned to drugs.'
'Billy Corgan likes it right there. Billy Corgan says 'Oh Baby'. Billy Corgan thinks you totally just Corgasmed.'
'Billy Corgan thinks he should go on top every time.'
'Billy Corgan wants you bad. Billy Corgan is gonna fuck you Billy Corgan.'
It was recently revealed by D'arcy Wretzky, some drug taking pixie that hung around with the Pumpkins (possibly a hallucination of the band member's minds) that the main cause of the band's demise was in fact down to Billy's annoying speech habit. The final straw came when Billy suggested to the rest of the band 'If Billy Corgan doesn't have hair, why should the rest of the band have hair?'. Obviously this did not go down well with beautiful trannie James Iha and D'arcy the pixie went to live in a commune with the Oompa Loompas, Gandalf and Englebert Humperdinck. Meanwhile the beautiful trannie James Iha developed an obsession with the perfection of shapes and joined a band that was entirely devoted to this cause.
[edit] Solo Album
With the beautiful trannie, hallucinatory pixie and the guy on the drums that no one really cared about gone, Billy still had enough egotistical power within him to produce an album of his own. With the help of some pots, pans, his faithful synthesiser and A Circus Clown From His Childhood, Billy managed to crank out his usual mixture of bad teenage poetry and loud noises. He and the Circus Clown collaborated on a cover of an ancient song by the mystical tribe known as the Bee Gees, in which they compete for the title of 'Person With The Whiniest Voice'.
However, no one noticed. No one cared.
[edit] The Mistake known as Zwan
After spending a long, hot summer in India, an idea sprung from the sweaty Corgan's bald and polished head. He would form his own Hare Krishna-esque group with some worthless hippies from not very significant bands and use this music group to take over the world.
However, no one noticed. No one cared.
[edit] Return of the band Billy calls 'The Smashing Pumpkins'
Having noticed his rock-goblin followers were not pleased by his solo attempt, and that world domination was simply not meant for bald people (something that his brother, Dr Evil, has not yet realised), it eventually dawned on Billy that his only hope of reliving success was to reform the Smashing Pumpkins. However, the beautiful trannie James Iha was too concerned with isoceles triangles, perfect circles and other such shapes, and the pixie was nowhere to be found. Guy on drums that no one really cared about agreed to rejoin, and to fill the remaining spaces needed, Billy and Guy on drums that no one really care about picked up some homeless people off the street in Klutzville, Alabama.
In 2007 the band that isn't really 100% The Smashing Pumpkins released an album called Zeitgeist.
And once again, no one noticed. No one cared.
Contrary to many rumours, in 2008 Billy did not become the first person in the world to perform anal sex by himself. Bono beat him to it.
In 2009, Guy on drums that no one really cared about finally realised that, well, no one actually cared about him, and left the band that isn't really 100% The Smashing Pumpkins. Since the percentage of original Pumpkin in the band has dwindled, Billy Corgan is considering re-naming his band 'The One and Only Smashing Pumpkin and his Freakshow Circus'. It is highly doubtful that anyone will care about this, either.
Now he's gone completely fucking nuts and wants you to join his cult. It's all some dirty old hippie's fault. Billy really has a big hole in his soul so now he's trying to fill it with being in a fucking cult and turning everyone else into it.
On September 27th, Billy Corgan died after a tragic gerbiling accident. Doctors extracted one gerbil, one hamster and a turtle from the anus of Billy. Earlier this year he had been hospitalized after inserting the Taco Bell Chihuahua into his anus. The Taco Bell Chihuahua become stuck and severally damaged Billy's anus with his teeth and claws before it succumbed to death. Afterward sBilly suggested that Taco Bell should chop up the Chihuahua and serve it up in a limited edition burrito called a Billrito. Taco Bell executives reportedly vomited uncontrollably.
[edit] Billy's Sons
In the spring of 1982 Billy fathered two children with Liza Minnelli whilst under the influence of crystal methamphetamine. In an attempt to keep the abomination a secret, they slyly disposed of the worthless flesh in a dumpster behind a Hot Topic chain store somewhere in New Jersey.
Billy has since found out that his long-lost sons were none other than My Chemical Romance vocalist Gerard Way and bassist Mikey Way, after meeting them backstage at a show on the East Coast. Gerard originally was hesitant about revealing his identity to his father and even fudged his date of birth in interviews, making him seem older.
Since Gerard has risen to fame, Billy has gone public about his love-child and has even started working on a comeback album with the Smashing Pumpkins so that he can, as he said in his own words, 'Rock out with my sons.'
Another torrid love affair of Billy Corgan's, this time with Quebecoise singing sensation Celine Dion, (famous for her many appearances on the cartoon Terrence and Philip), resulted in a child. The resulting offspring, quite obviously the son of the Pumpkins lead singer if only for his extremely prematurely bald pate, is television's Caillou.
Some would claim that Caillou is not in fact a Corgan, but rather, a leukaemia patient and that to suggest Pumpkin parentage is highly insensitive to sufferers of "blood cancer".
Caillou has always refused to comment on his lineage and will only say the following: "All I need to know is that my mother, Celine Dion, loves me. Her disgusting octogenarian manager/husband who was already old when they first met, while Celine was peri-pubescent, is the only father I have ever needed. I hate the Pumpkins anyway, especially that slopehead guitarist." This quote is also notable for being the beginning of the end of Caillou's popularity. He sought admission to a drug treatment facility the next day, stating: "I am fucking bald." His bitterness is certainly understandable.
[edit] Pastimes of Sir William
- Billy is an avid blogger and writes 'confessional' tales in his online journal, this caused a massive trend amongst many panda eyed teenagers and lead to the creation of livejournal, which he takes personal credit for. He also takes credit for the electric toaster, PVC Clothing, Hole's (better) Songs, Dawson's Creek, Hot Pockets and the creation of sound.
- Billy's favourite pastime is attempting to steal u2 guitarist The Edge's hats. He has been successful a fair few times, his most triumphant moment being the time he stole The Edge's favourite Cowboy Hat whilst he was in the toilet. Billy later wore this hat in his music video 'Perfect' to flaunt his victory in The Edge's face. Edge was said to have sworn revenge on Billy, yet to this date nothing exciting has been done on his part.
- Billy once chased Courtney Love down a street at Halloween dressed as the killer from Scream, he claimed this was all in the holiday spirit but refused to answer questions on why there was a rolled carpet and four cement blocks in his trunk.
- Billy stars on the critically acclaimed show Smallville as Lex Luthor.
- Everybody poops, except Billy Corgan.
