Billy Blanks

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Billy Blanks.

Billy Wayne Blanks (born September 1, 1955) is the world’s third sexiest African American only behind Magic Johnson and Bill Gates. Blanks is considered one of the most powerful beings in the world and has been known for eating dying stars. As Creator of the Tae Bo method of Kung Fu, Blanks is responsible for thousands of women being raped in alleys because they thought they could fight a mugger.

Origin

Billy Blanks, real name Arthur Flattop, grew up on the mean streets of Kalamazoo, Michigan. As an infant, Billy was found abandoned in a dressing room in JCPenny’s young men’s department. He was adopted by the store and for many years called the store manager “Mother”. Billy would have a tough time in school. Children would call him “Yellow eyes” or “Fag that wears leotards to school”. One day while in Kalamazoo’s “Little Pakistan” neighborhood he came across an old man who sold him some “ancient magic fighting powder”. The next day he went to school and ripped a teachers arm off. After being arrested, his toxicology screen showed he had 2 ounces of Angel Dust in his system. Billy was sent to prison for one year because he was a minor and was caned on live television.

The Incarceration years

While in prison, Billy was taken in by the Korean gang “The Kia Sofias ”. In exchange for doing their laundry, the “Sofias” gave Billy martial arts lessons. During his time of incarceration, Billy earned his bachelor degree in “small animal care” and came up with an idea for a magazine which he later named “Time”. After his sentence was over, Blanks walked out of prison with newly acquired Kung Fu skills and the knowledge of how to get blood stains out of cashmere.

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Living on the edge

For the next couple of years Billy traveled the South American steel cage circuit. Although he was successful and never lost a match, he was banned for life after repeatedly ripping his opponent’s spinal columns off. At this point Billy was at a lowest point. On a trip to New York City he was taken aback by a new urban sound on the street called “Hip Hop”. He quickly moved to Queens and started the rap group Run-D.M.C.. After countless gold records, Billy’s love for fighting reemerged when he punched LL Cool J’s lips off over a gold rope chain. He quickly took off his Adidas and went to Thailand to train. Blank’s spent many years training toward his goal of being the world’s greatest fighter but fell short because of his mild mental retardation.

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The Empire

Billy soon realized that if he could never be the world’s greatest fighter he could at least look like it in the movies. Billy left Asia and went on to star in dozens of B movie action flicks. They never made any money but because they were a front for an illegal gay escort service he was allowed to keep acting. For the first time in his career Billy was truly happy. This all ended when his acting career was abruptly ended after a sex tape was leaked starring him and Delta Burke. Billy spent the next couple of years of his life as a calypso dancer on a Carnival cruise. In between his gyrating to the sounds of the steel drum and the vomiting that came with his constant sea sickness Billy started to formulate his idea for a self defense video for women. He named his new style of martial arts Tae Bo and began to film his tape in the boiler room of the ship. His goal was not to empower women; it was to bang a lot of fatties. Once back on American soil Billy began to market the tape on infomercials. He did not initially gain success until he challenged Tony Little, AKA “The Gazelle Master”, to a battle to the death on live pre-recorded television. All media outlets picked up the story and both combatants received millions of friend’s requests on their MySpace page. After months of hype, the fight was a disappointment to most. Billy ended it quickly when he when took off Tony Little’s hat and ripped out his pony hair. Little quickly shriveled up into a little crystal rock that Billy swiftly placed in a pipe and smoked. Blanks went on to sell billions of tapes and amassed a small fortune which he quickly converted into Sierra Leon Blood Diamonds. With the “Bling Bling” era of rap beginning, Blanks sold most of his inventory to Fat Joe and became one of the richest men in the world. Blanks currently lives in a castle he built for himself and his two wives in the mountains of Ohio. He has two British bulldogs and 3 house slaves.

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