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Billhooks, also known as a Grant's Ear, Frank's Nose or Where Uncle Albert Touched Me, is an instrument commonly used to grab pupils in classrooms by teachers who are either Lazy, Weak or Spasticated.

Early two flue
Scientific classification
Kingdom Kingdom of The Sourthern Secret Santa
Phylum Stuff for Poking Nasty Things With
Class Of it's Own
Order Order of the Knights Templar
Family The Simpsons
Genus People called Lardass
Species Inanimate Animals
Binomial name
Hitler's other ball
Primary armament Blade with grabbing bit
Secondary armament Stick bit
Power supply The power of Heart
Health 150, lightning attacks super-effective
Mana 100, focus on water spells
Strength Arnie
Intelligence Arnie
Weight Michael Moore
Length 6ft - 5 inches
Special attack Inverted Vertical Suplex
Conservation status

edit History of the Billhook


Look at it. I mean, come on.

The Billhook was invented last Thursday by Ug, pronounced Oh-That-Tosser, it was first used in the Battle of The Hill with a Reasonable Amount of Trees to pick up King Louie the Short and give him a Wedgie for huffing all of Og's secret stash of Kittens.

It was first put into popular use by it's demonstration on The Yesterday Show in 2066 AD. Where after seeing the show's host ,Spock, pick someone out of the audience with his Billhook, people rushed to buy them off anyone willing to sell. There only being 10 in common use at the time, it created a sales shortage dwarfed only by the Ps3's own massive shortage.

Billhooks were at first used for farming, due to the freaky shit they could do to apples, as illustrated on the right.Seeing as they screwed up anything they touched, people decided to use them on kids, and billhooks became a common sight in the Classroom, the Canteen, the Army and Germany.

edit Billhooks in Popular Culture

The Billhook is often referenced in popular culture since it made it's name in 1066 BC on The Tomorrow Show. It is mainly referred to with various expressions such as:

  • Bill My Hook, meaning "Will you please investigate my sexual organs for signs of infection?"
  • I'll Bill you in the Hook, meaning "May I please use your dog as a nuclear testing ground?"
  • My Hook itches Bill, meaning "Do you want my Wallet, If so please take it without asking."
  • I Bill scratched my hook, meaning "I am sleeping with your wife."
  • I'll eat your Hook if you suck Bill meaning, "I think you are unintelligent, if you disagree, please hit me."
  • Bill's Hook meaning, "I pity the fool"
  • Hook's Bill meaning, "I appear to have injured myself please take my belongings and run"
  • Fo' Sure, Bill meaning, "Most certainly, fellow black person"
  • Right Hook meaning "I will heal your wounds, for I am a man of the cloth"
  • Left Hook meaning "I'll suck you off for £10"
  • Yo Bill meaning, "Hello, I wish you harm, if you do not wish harm, I suggest you cripple me for life"

edit Bill Hook

Bill Hook is unrelated to the implement Billhook, although he is still worthy of note as he was the first person to successfully be impaled on a Billhook.

edit The Modern Billhook

Billhooks these days aren't half as good as they used to be, they're all Yobbos and Chavs, back in my day Billhook were to be seen but not heard, of course back then we didn't call them Billhooks, we called them New Spice, that being the style at the time.So if you wanted a Billhook then you'd say "Can I Steal (meaning borrow back in the day) a few grams of Coke(that being the slang term for New Spice back in the day)?" O' course then this big Black Mage came into our old folks home and killed us to pieces.

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