From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
William "Bill" Maher, Jr. (born January 20, 1956) is an American comedian that supports the legalization of recreational drugs (especially marijuana), prostitution, and ritualistic animal sacrifices, while constantly ranting about religion and blowharding about the evils of the American lifestyle, since being invaded by all those immigrants with opinions make the culture suck. According to Maher, "All of these subjects are considered taboo in American society, where all you can talk about is sports, and who was kicked off Survivor Island, or Dancing with the Stars, or something."
edit Early Life
Little is known about Maher's childhood, except that he might have been born both atheist, and really racist. He was born to a Jewish beauty queen and a Catholic radio news announcer father in New York City. For years, his father was a bitchy handmaiden compared to his bosses Don Imus and Howard Stern, and this bitchiness influenced Bill's future show business career. Despite his mother being a Jew, little Billy attended Catholic mass every Sunday, and often bemoans the fact that he wasn't sodomized despite his many attempts to court the "hunks in the collars" as Maher called his teachers. Irritated at being rejected, Maher happily decided to dedicate his life to destroying religion, calling his newfound goal "God's work."
In school, Bill was bullied by the other children. In an attempt to gain favor, and make allies with the natives/minorities, Bill doctored down his IQ test score to meet the minimum clique requirements. In this way he passed for "normal" for many years, until he enrolled to Cornell University and received a degree in
Martial Arts Political Science while minoring in Oriental Terrorism and Standup Comedy.
edit God of Death and Trickery
Maher is known by his followers as The God of Death and Trickery. They sacrifice celebrities to him, and turn them into helpless, chained sex slaves in order to create dimensional vortexes that make time travel possible, while placing fossils in the ground so they can be dug up years later and appear to support the theory of evolution.
Maher lost his title of "God of Death" when he claimed that the 9/11 terrorists were heroes, and that U.S. President George W. Bush was a complete pussy. It was later discovered that Maher was brainwashed into making those comments after Kim Il-Sung broke into his house, and hypnotized Bill into being his sex slave.
edit Talk Shows
edit Politically Incorrect
In 1993 Maher was given a show at Comedy Central named Politically Incorrect. Maher wanted to have a show where he and his guests would engage in intelligent discourses about current events. Unfortunately, intelligent conversations ceased, as his guests were typically celebrities such as Sarah Silverman, Andrew W.K., Seth Green, Pamela Anderson, and Mos Def, none of which could locate Canada, nor China, on a map. Maher used this show to spread his leftist propaganda of wanting to discuss things that were very important, such as Robert Downey Jr.'s drug binges, Brittany Spears's vagina, and Warren G. Harding's fondness for hot dogs. In 1996 the show was picked up by "those communists at ABC."
In 2001 in the wake of the September 11th attacks Maher said:
"If only they had just flown a plane into President Bush"
Bill Maher's trick was to rip on the rich white people, George Bush, and Christianity in order to give the perception of being politically incorrect. Maher later had his manhood slapped by executives for mentioning some of the reasons why Oprah cannot keep her weight off.
In the wake of Maher’s comments, many Leftists called for his immediate elevation to Sainthood. Instead, ABC promptly fired him.
edit Real Time
In 2003 Bill was given another
annoying show. Because it doesn't take much to get Americans in a tizzy Maher, in a stroke of brilliance, simply did the same show he always did. Real Time continues to run on HBO, despite numerous death threats from foreigners claiming their right to live as god-fearing, Globalist regimes.
edit Personal life
Maher's on-off relationship with God changed again recently when he was formally introduced to Al Franken at a Senate Select Committee meeting investigating
the causes of kitten raping animal rights abuses. Recognizing he was in the presence of such an exceptionally influential comedian turned U.S. Senator, Maher immediately threw in his face into Franken's trousers and began furiously sucking off the Senator, finally taking a face full of talentless-hack-jizz on his chin his support. Maher then collapsed into the fetal position and trembled like a scared child, murmuring soft praises to Allah for his fortune.
As of November 2009, Maher and Franken have been "living the good life" in San Francisco's Tenderloin district, and plan to marry once Will Ferrell (or Kanye West, in a pinch) agrees to officiate their ceremony.