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“Most people believe there are nine circles of Hell. That's simply not true. Underneath my toilet shit demons feast on my excrement. Underneath the shit demons' toilet is the tenth level of hell. That's reserved exclusively for Bill O'Reilly.”
“I have a chip on both shoulders, therefore I must be mentally balanced!”
“The only guy I know that's actually both imbalanced and unbalanced”
William Ignatius Molly Kill "Bill" O'Reilly VIII, (professional name Bill Oh'Really). Born September 10th, 1949, best describes himself as 'a self-made -faking Irish Hitler who hates Niggers more than he hates Jews, spics, womps, France, liberals, Chinks, flips, moustachiosas, sand niggers, dykes, and fags', and has been known to shoot Jewish African-Americans on sight.
An accomplished journalist, Bill is renowned for his strictly unbiased approach to news and is famed for his ability to address the nuances and subtleties of a story without raising his voice. He has also been described by himself as a hugely successful, well recognised and respected journalist for his show The Me Factor.
Early Career At ABC News
In the year of 1979, the great network news and sports god Roone Arledge made the first of several deals with satan to bring Bill O'Reilly in to be a reporter for World News Tonight. His overly-conservative views led the network's demi-god anchor, the omnipotent Peter Jennings to loathe O'Reilly, since Jennings was a die-hard liberal. Jennings was quoted as saying "There's only room for one dickhead at this network, and I'm going to be the only one." However, Arledge had purchased O'Reilly for life. Jennings used his power and constant threats to have the first born of Arledge slaughtered on live television, and to have Howard Cosell anchor in his place, to get Arledge to send O'Reilly where he could get easily killed. O'Reilly was sent on repeated assignments to Hell, where he interviewed John F. Kennedy and Satan himself. However, Hell barred O'Reilly after he threatened to bring one million Christians to wipe Hell off the face of the earth. Satan stated in repeated interviews that he would never forgive Roone Arledge for what he did, and got his payback when he got Arledge for all eternity in 2002. Nonetheless, Satan and Arledge have managed to patch things up since God revealed that Unitarianism was the only true religion and, thus, he was able to use O'Reilly's crusaders as a substitute for the ailing infernal plumbing system.
Afterwards, Jennings used his influence to delegate O'Reilly to doing business briefs on the network. O'Reilly would always open his briefs with the same line "I'm Bill O'Reilly, and this is a business brief, and I'm not wearing any briefs." The briefs came to an end after only one year when an apparently drunk and high O'Reilly came on air, announced that the Economy was screwed, and attempted to have sex with Barbara Walters on camera.
He is renowned in the field of political science for his scintillating wit and profound sense of courtesy. His techniques have been described by leading news analysts Ann Coulter, Joseph Goebbels, and Lyndon LaRouche as "fair and balanced".
Despite being mischievous in his childhood (Bill killed his first black man at age 2) Bill reformed and became a conservative. He won the 1984 Nobel Peace Prize for helping wipe out leprosy in California by killing all lepers under the age of 7. "I still hate n*****s" said Bill, "but I'm willing to help 'em if I can kill some of 'em in the process".
2005 Phone Scandal
In 2005, it was revealed that O'Reilly was having phone sex with Ann Coulter. Unfortunately, O'Reilly's head got stuck under his matress, which he was pretending was Anne's ass. O'Reilly remained stuck for 2 days as his family was visiting relatives in Vermont. O'Reilly nearly died in the incident. For the 2 days he was stuck, Bob Saget took over for him on his show. On taking over the show again, Bill retold the story in explicit detail. It was rebroadcast at 4pm the following day for those children who had been in bed during the original transmission.
O'Reilly also became the only man to have sex with Terri Schiavo's corpse. O'Reilly was taping his show on location at the morgue of the hospital Terri passed away at.For a few minutes after the camera was off, and no one else was around, Bill took the opportunity to engage in necrophilia. No one knew about this incident at first. However, the next day, after enjoying his rendezvous with "enlightenment", he privately spoke about the incident to Rush (I have a small penis, that's why I'm mean) Limbaugh when he stated emphatically that he will "continue trying to fuck America in the ass on television with Nancy Grace's dildo". Unfortunately he said that in his studio without his knowledge the microphone was on. O'Reilly was nearly fired for the incident. However, as of 2007, his Fox News Show and his radio show still exist, and O'Reilly still has not apologized to the public, nor to Schiavo's family, nor to Nancy Grace.
- "It's the fucking French" ~O'Reilly on the budget deficit
- "I'm a modest man. I take my private helicopter home from work, park it in my airport, and sleep in my ivory framed bed under panda-skin sheets just like everybody else." ~O'Reilly commenting on how he is just like "the folks" he defends.
- "Nobody can identify the body if the head is chopped off and notable tatoos are taken off with a cheese grater." ~O'Reilly commenting on the proper way to dispose of dead hookers.
- "If they can't find the body, it's not a murder - it's a 'missing person,' I tell you!" ~O'Reilly talking in his sleep
- "If you want to see something bigger than my ego, meet me in room 318 at the Holiday Inn at midnight. Woof, woof!" ~O'Reilly to woman.
- "I'm Irish" "No Bill you're American". ~Real Exchange
- "If I ever see a Holocaust survivor in person, I'm gonna kick his ass!"
- "You're poor because you're a drug addicted alcoholic faggot!"
The Zero' Reilly Factor
The 0 Reilly Factor is a much respected and renowned television show, critically acclaimed for its elegant format and unbiased intellectual discourse. The show lasts 60 minutes, during which O'Reilly reads fan mail to the camera reminding viewers why he is the smartest man alive. Then at the end of each show, he shoots two liberals in the knee caps. If the gun jams, he just looks sheepishly at the camera and mumbles "Frodo Lives" until they break for a commercial.
O'Reilly's continued efforts on his show to smite the liberal media and secularists provided means for his selection as a major General of the Second Civil War, or the War Against Secularism. This format has proven to be immensely popular with 3,000 viewers every night, making The O'Reilly Factor the 4th highest rated evening show after Green Acres reruns on that timeslot.
O'Reilly fought with alarming success alongside Fox against secularists such as Scientists, Liberal Terrorists, The Evil Atheist Conspiracy, and Doctors. By the end of this bloody crusade, O'Reilly had rid the world of hot lesbian sex, turned back the filthy, heathen effort to cure cancer at the eleventh hour, and reinstated cholera and tetanus as primary killers of all demographics.
"Far-left communist" billionaire George Soros is taking over the world theory
Bill O'Reilly's latest feat is a stunning report on the network that antichrist George Soros has surrounded himself with. The reports on this were amazingly accurate and completely true. Critics prone to disbelieving such theories were harshly silenced with the advent of the following graphic on Bill O'Reilly's. As is abundantly clear, the arrows indicate the flow of Jesons, atoms of Christian power that leftist communists like Soros have, in the past, hijacked and used for evil. Soros uses his money and political connections to acquire these Jesons, which are then channelled in arrow-shaped flows as shown. The diagram is visually accurate. Once the Jesons have entered the mainstream media, they are beamed directly to other filthy socialists, who share the Jesons with other communists as part of a barter system that foregoes US currency, since this is their equivalent of kryptonite. He continues to do so to this day, hoping one day to distribute enough Jesons to raise the liberal prophet Josef Stalin from his grave, with the aim that the Man of Steel will be able to crush freedom and democracy, Soros's two main pet hates. Previous attempts using Liberons were thwarted, due to the fact that the strength of said liberal atoms were only 12% of the strength of Jesons.
Some people have suggested an inherent and fundamental flaw in O'Reilly's term "Far Left Billionaire George Soros", but they are sadly mistaken. This is evidenced by the fact that none of these so called 'critics' have their own television shows [reference not found]. Some have been graciously allowed on the O'Reilly "Talk Louder Than" segment, but all have been drowned out by well-aimed insults from the Big Bear.