Bill McCoy

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William J. "Bill" McCoy, also known as Billy McCoy, The Real McCoy, Big Bill, and Larry the Cable Guy was born in 1923 in Mother Russia. His father, Jim Carrey, was a deadbeat father who spent all of poor Bill's child support money on Hot Pockets. His mother abandoned Bill at a retirement home because she could no longer afford to keep him, even though he was "the best pet ever", and his brother Leonard had left the family to pursue a career in interstellar medicine. Bill was adopted by a local blacksmith named Charles Dickens who vowed to teach him the ways of metal-working when he reached twelve years of age.

Great Expectations

Young Bill lived a happy life with his newly found guardian, despite the fact that Charles's wife would beat him with a herring four times a day. He would play at the local toxic waste dump with the other horrifically mutated children, and at night would come home to his daily herring beating. Around age eight, he realized that the house next door was actually a mansion with a merry-go-round and a giraffe in the front lawn. He ventured into the house, thinking that maybe Liza Minnelli lived there. Little did he know that the person who lived in the house next door was Jesse Jackson, the well-known lead singer of Van Halen and chihuahua rapist. As soon as he walked in, he was caught in a snare trap and hauled away to the dungeon. It looked like his short, boring life was about to come to an end, but luckily for him, Mario was there to save the day, once again one-upping his brother Luigi. A short time later, Jesse Jackson sent a lawyer over to the Dickens' residence to inform them that, unless they paid a fine of one kazillion dollars, young Bill would be sent to Wisconsin to learn the cheese trade. They refused, thus sending Bill to yet another guardian.

Cheeser's Paradise

After learning the ways of the street, at age 15 Bill ran away form his quiet suburban home and headed out among the hustle and flow of the Green Bay gang scene, where whoever was in control of the cheese, was in control of the streets. Bill made his living by dealing cheese to "Cheeseheads" and stealing what ever he could. Thug life had hardened Bill, and by age 19 he was the leader a gang called The Cheddars also known as "The Cheds". It wasn't long before a rival gang, The Provolone Pushers, or "The Provs" for short, started moving in on The Ched's turf. This infuriated Bill. He gave a powerful speech that called for all out war:

"We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in Wisconsin, we shall fight on the rivers and lakes, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our turf, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender, and even if, which I do not for a moment believe, this city or a large part of it were subjugated and starving, then our Gang beyond the streets, armed and guarded by the Cheddars, would carry on the struggle, until, in God's good time, the New World, with all its power and might, steps forth to the rescue and the liberation of the old."

This inspired the Cheds to invade the Provs' turf, speakin' wiff 'eavy Cockernee accen's an' turnin' veir fee' ou' an' woivin' veir fis's inna air an' shou'in' "Oy, le's ge' ta foi'in'!". Va Provs, onna uvva han', was weww prepared fer such an even' an' vey fough' back, vey did, killin' many Cheds an' 'urtin' many more, wha'. One of the Provs was a pool-shootin' son-of-a-gun named Jim Walker, who was big and dumb as a man can come, but stronger than a country hog. He managed to steal $1337 from Bill and later would use the money to establish himself in New York as the King of 42nd Street. Young Bill decided to hop a train to Alabama and start life anew.

Sweet Home, Alabama

Bill took up residence in the town of Selma with Wilford Brimley. But he soon grew tired of eating Quaker Oats and checking his blood sugar (and checking it often), so he took to the streets. This is where he acquired his Southern accent, as well as the nickname "Slim". He, being from a communist country, was not accustomed to the notion of racial inequality, and, despite threats from the KKK, he often socialised with black people. This is how he met Clinton H. Giles. Giles frequently confused him by using excessively large words and repeating statements thrice, three times and in triplicate. The two of them joined forces with John Hawley to become The Time Haters, who came all the way back in time to call you a cracker. But this merry-making only lasted for a few days before the three parted. Giles had been summoned by the Pope to prosecute heretics, and Hawley travelled the land in search of cheap booze. McCoy decided that it was time to leave Wilford and live on his own. They ate one last bowl of oatmeal together and said their goodbyes, Bill promising to check his blood sugar often (because there's just no reason not to). After weeks of futile searching for a place to stay, Bill realised that it is very difficult to buy a house without money. Then, he remembered Jim Walker. He resolved to hunt him down and recover his money, despite numerous warnings that "You don't tug on Superman's cape, you don't spit into the wind, you don't pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger and you don't mess around with Jim, da do da do dee de de de de dee."

New York, New York

Bill arrived in New York City just in time for summer. He fought his way through the sea of people and eventually made it to the organised crime district. He happened upon a meeting of mob bosses and seized the opportunity to request Jim's location. He said, "I'm looking for a man named Jim. I am a pool shootin' boy, my name is Willie McCoy, but down home they call me Slim. And I'm looking for the king of 42nd Street, he's driving a drop top Cadillac. Last week he took all my money, and it may sound funny, but I've come to get my money back," and everybody said, "Jack, don't you know you don't tug on Superman's cape, you don't spit into the wind, you don't pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger and you don't mess around with Jim, da do da do dee de de de de dee." Well a hush fell over the pool room when Jim come boppin' off the street. When the cuttin' was done, the only part that wasn't bloody was the soles of the big man's feet. He was cut in 'bout a hundred places and he was shot in a couple more. And you better believe they sung a different kind of story when big Jim hit the floor: "You don't tug on Superman's cape, you don't spit into the wind, you don't pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger and you don't mess around with Slim, da do da do dee de de de de dee."

Rape, Ultra-Violence and Beethoven

Since Bill was now the King of 42nd Street, he decided to expand his empire. He reassembled the Time Haters with newly found member Dr. James "Doc Jimmy" Hall, and went to Future England. They then found that Future England was really boring, and they could easily run amok. They donned matching white jumpsuits with braces and matching top hats and began running around participating in what they called "Ultra-Violence". They would occasionally beat up rival haters and rape old women whilst singing "Singing In The Rain", but usually just sat around drinking milk and listening to Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, Fourth Movement. Eventually, John Hawley wanted to be the group's ringleader, so he and Doc Jimmy teamed up to snuff out Bill. Whilst they were walking to the supermarket, James pulled out a herring, the only thing Bill ever feared, and beat him with it. The police then randomly arrested Bill for no apparent reason and put him in a mental health institution.


To correct Bill of his need for Ultra-Violence and Beethoven, they forced him to watch A Clockwork Orange over and over again until he finally snapped and jumped out of a window. Since the window was only a few inches off the ground, Bill was fine, but pissed that he hadn't killed himself. He wandered around aimlessly until he reached the house of the New Time Haters. Once there, he killed John and doc Jimmy and told Clinton to 'get the hell up on outta here'. Having nowhere else to go, Bill decided to return to his first home in Mother Russia.


“All right, staff, we're gonna pass around a bottle of vodki so y'all can know what it smells like.”
~ Bill McCoy on Booze
“Is this really vodka?”
~ Random Teacher on This
“<glug glug glug><gulp> Yep.”
~ Bill McCoy on This
“If you up the ante, we'll up the ante”
~ Bill McCoy on Texas Hold 'em
“You can bank on that.”
~ Bill McCoy on That
“Dammit, John, I'm a vice principal, not an electrician!”
~ Bill McCoy on Surveillance cameras
“Be on the total side of right, not the partial side of wrong.”
~ Bill McCoy on Adopting Kittens
“He's dead, John.”
~ Bill McCoy on A Dead Person
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