Bill Maher
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
William Maher Jr is a comedian that supports recreational drug use, prostitution, animal rights, while constantly ranting about religion and the American lifestyle. Maher claims to be a chronic kitten raper. Though he often complains about the country's failings he insists that he does not hate America, but rather believes that the greatest country in the world needs to start acting like it. He also likes to make lots of new rules.
Contents |
[edit] Early Life
Bill Maher was born to a Jewish whore and Catholic cough syrup addicted father in Jew York City on January 20, 1956. Despite the fact his mother was Jewish, little Billy attended Catholic mass every Sunday and often bemoans the fact that he wasn't sodomized in his stand-up act. Like most people with weed-addled and baked brains, exposure to religion created a resentment for it within him and made him a whining liberal pussyboy.
In Middle school and high school, Bill was bullied by the other children. He was robbed, beaten, sodomized, and forced to wear drag and walk around the track. After high school, Maher enrolled Cornell University and received a degree in the Pussie (spelled "pussy" by those of us with brains) Liberal Arts.
Bill went to a community college for his first two years of college. He met a girl there named Helga von Unibrow, Jr. who suprised him at his house one day, cut off his balls and rammed an iron pole up his ass. He had lost his manhood. The very next day he met her sister Martina von Unibrow. She too had it out for him and she punched a straw through his head and drank his brains out. This explains his lack of intelligence and his douchebag gelled haircut.
[edit] God of Death and Trickery
Bill Maher is known by his followers, known as "scientists" (latin for satanists), as the God of Death and Trickery. They sacrifice hobos to him in order to create dimensional vortexes that make time travel possible and then they place fossils in the ground so they can be dug up years later and appear to support the theory of evolution. He is worshipped at the Church of Maher and needs to be fed babies on a regular basis. He is best known for eating the Lindbergh's baby. He is the archnemesis of Rush Limbaugh a.k.a. god, and was the loser in the epic game of beer pong played between himself and Drinkus, where he lost his testies as he could not pay his debit, due to the rise in price of aborted babies.
[edit] Talk Shows
[edit] Politically Incorrect
In 1993 Bill Maher was given a show at Comedy Central named Politically Incorrect. Maher used this show to spread his leftist propaganda of wanting to discuss things that we're normally supposed to shut up and not question. In 1996 the show was picked up by those bastards at ABC. In 2001 in the wake of the September 11th attacks Maher said
"If only they had just flown a plane into president bush"
Bill Maher's trick was to rip on the rich, white people, George Bush and christianity in order to give the perception of being politically incorrect. Maher had his peepee slapped by executives for mentioning some of the reasons why Oprah cannot keep her weight off.--Mark douglazzz 15:15, 9 August 2009 (UTC)
In the wake of Maher’s comments many Leftists called for his execution, for revealing their next plot prematurely. Leftists being ABC's target audience, they promptly fired Mr. Maher.
[edit] Real Time
In 2003 Bill was given another show. Because it doesn't take much to get libs in a tizzy, Maher, in a stroke of brilliance, simply aired repeats of his first show with new graphics. No one noticed. He said things during the show that brainwashed people thought were smart. The show runs on HBO, which makes a lot of sense when you think about what HBO "airs".
[edit] Relationship with God
Maher has frequently come to violent terms with the creator of the Universe. Although Maher has commended God for creating Kim Jung-il in the clouds. On January 21, 2009, Maher called God a "Category 5 moron" that is not even qualified to run Wasilla, Alaska, let alone the universe. Bill secretly jacks off to Sarah Palin like the hypocritial creep he is.
[edit] The Tonight Show
Bill Maher went on the Tonight Show once. He said things that some people thought were "smart". He was then promptly assassinated, and following a two week period of national celebration, his body was dumped in the desert. The vultures there, showing the kind of taste not found in Maher's alleged fans, decided to just let his talentless carcass rot in the sun. You can still smell the stink of him wafting in the air, if you try hard enough. Or you could just watch Family Guy. It's pretty much the same thing anyway.
[edit] Homosexuality
Maher's relationship with God changed again recently when he was formally introduced to Al Franken at a Senate Select Committee meeting investigating the causes of kitten raping. Recognizing he was in the presence of such an exceptionally influential comedian, Maher immediately threw his face into Franken's trousers and began furiously sucking the Senator, finally taking a face full of talentless-hack-jizz on his chin. Maher then collapsed into the fetal position and trembled like a scared child, murmuring soft praises to God for his fortune while smearing the hack-jizz into his face and neck in happy face patterns. As of November 2009, Maher and Franken have been living the good life in San Francisco's "Just So Gay It Renders You Blind" district, and plan to marry once Will Ferrell agrees to officiate their ceremony.
