From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|It is requested that an image or images be included in this article to improve its quality.|
“Bill Evans had that rare type of porcelain skin that made him an extremely influential jazz pianist even amongst Klansmen.”
“Would I fuck him? Hell, I'd fuck him and write a play about it.”
Willam Johnson Soterius "Cash Money Money" Evans, known as Bill Evans or simply "Money" (August 16, 1929–September 15, 1980) was the first jazz pianist ever to be called "honky," despite the fact that he was black. He is most famous for being Miles Davis's bitch.
edit Early life
Bill Evans was born on August 16, 1929 in Plainfield, New Jersey. His mother was a raging alcoholic who beat him with a stick and his father would stick his right pinky finger in Evans's anus on the weekends. He had an older brother Harry who was murdered in his sleep while a young Evans watched on in a mixture of horror and sexual arousal. It is likely that his upbringing contributed heavily to his low self-esteem, awkward playing posture, and continuous heroine abuse later in life. Bill Evans was left-handed, which explains why he never had a problem working the mouse while cranking his shaft.
Evans started working as a sideman in New York City, gaining a large audience amongst the gay community in Chelsea, who assumed from his introverted personality and flamboyant piano style that he had a supple pink-eye. Evans started to gain exposure playing with such acts as Art Farmer, Tony Scott, and Charles Mingus, who, on one occasion, struck Evans unconscious with the flat side of a hatchet.
In 1958, Miles Davis kidnapped Evans and forced him to play with his new group, whose style of music, the so-called "cool jazz," beat out hard bop in a twelve-round technical knockout. This made Evans the only "nigga" (as Davis eloquently put it) in Davis's band, despite the fact that Evans was white and every other member was black.
It was around this time that Davis introduced Evans to heroin. Evans supposedly was hesitant of trying it, until Miles called him a "motherfucker" and a "bitch." Apparently Evans was easy to persuade.
Evans fell to heroin addiction, which allowed Davis to claim much of Evans's work as his own. Davis even went so far as to dole the writing credits to much of Evans's work to the other members of the band, saying, "what the hell."
Evans formed his first trio with Scott LaFaro, who had left a promising career as a defense attorney to experience the financial hardships of a jazz bassist's life, and Paul Motian, who was introduced to anal buttsex and heroine-fueled sessions of calisthenics by Evans himself. The trio became extremely influential, and would go on to be voted as the "greatest piano jazz trio of all time" by such publications as XXL and Vibe Magazine.
Evans found, especially in LaFaro, an innate musical connection which allowed all the musicians greater freedom. LaFaro would often play the upright bass with one hand, using the other hand to hold on to Evans's boner. He would feel Evans's throbbing vein and count the pulses, which leads insight into how the two were able to have such mutual rhythmic empathy. Evans's was noted to bust a nut at the end of a song on occasion due to their unorthodox manner of musical communication.
LaFaro was unexpectedly killed while drag racing with the ghost of James Dean. The loss devastated Evans; he reportedly went an unprecented three hours without touching another man's cock due to the grief. Evans would go on to reform the trio with Motian and bassist/Jew Chuck Israels; the assumption that Israels is a Jew is based on the presence of the word "Israel" in his last name. While the trio created a prolific number of recordings, they sucked because everyone knows Jews can't swing. So Evans put Israels on a train while playing Wagner in the background.
In 1966 Evans discovered Eddie Gomez, who owed his proficience on the upright bass to his upbringing by stepfather Tito Puente, who, when Gomez was a child, would wake him up every morning for school with claves. He also played with drummer Jack DeJohnette, who, despite the gay French-sounding name, is totally black.
The 1970s saw Evans playing with a bunch of other people. Since during this time Evans had kicked his drug habit and primarily only played with bad musicians, this was a period of little interest to practically anyone. One drummer Evans played with in this period was Philly Joe Jones, who Evans eventually fired because he was black. (It is unknown why Evans did not realize that Jones was black at the time he hired him.)
Evans health was like the last half of a football pass: a downward spiral. He tried to get himself off of heroin by using cocaine, not realizing that cocaine is just as awesome. His continual abuse of his own body led to his death on September 15, 1980 at age 51. He died alone, lost and forgotten, leaving behind nothing but a legacy of drug-addled sodomy and an overweight son to pursue a mediocre film career.