Bill Engvall

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Bengvall

Bill Engvall after someone tried to assassinate him

“Okay, he's a little funny.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Bill Engvall
“Here's my sign! WOO-HOO!”
~ Bill Engvall on streaking
“Hahahaaaaaah!”
~ Bill Engvall on one of his jokes

Reverend William Ray "Bill" Engval, Jr. (born 1957) is an American comedian and televangelist. He is a member of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, along with Jeff Foxworthy, Larry the Cable Guy, and Ron "Tater Salad" White. The honored Reverend Engvall makes his living by being pretentious, often performing onstage rituals which mysteriously cause hicks and the mentally challenged to burst into laughter.

edit Early Life

Bill was born on, and grew up on a humble farm in Arlen, Texas. He was educated at the South Farm Elementary School and somehow ranked 13th in his class of 10. Engval quit school after fourth grade in order to work on the family farm. However, like most Texan families at the time, the Engvals had many black slaves, so Bill never actually had to do any work. Out of boredom, he did attempt to do some work one day, but it ended with him driving a tractor into a lake. Bill vowed never to do any real work again, and thus decided he would become a televangelist.

edit Televangelist career

Bill began his televangelist career in 1977 (at the age of 20 for people who cannot do basic math). His first show aired every Wednesday at 3:00 A.M. A few months passed and Engval gained popularity among the insomniac stoners community when POT magazine declared Bill as "like...freakin' hillarious, man." Consequently, Bill's show was moved to 1:30 A.M, which is considered the "hot spot" for televangelists.

edit "Here's Your Sign!"

Bill is best known for his "Here's Your Sign!" routine. The routine first aired on Bill's show in 1980. In this routine, Bill would have several audience members come up to the stage. They would all confess one of their sins and Bill would say "Heeeere's your sign!" and hand them a sign stating their sin in large, bold bright colors. According to Bill, this was a guaranteed way for sinners to receive forgiveness.

On a famous 1992 episode, Bill himself was signed for the sin of stupidity by special guest Jesus Christ. Bill wore the sign every day since.

edit Comedy career

The 1992 "Here's Your Sign" incident led Bill to abandon his televangelist career. To keep to his vow, Bill turned to the only other well-paying career that requires no effort: stand-up comedy.

Bill's career was stale for several years until transsexual country singer Travis "Tanya" Tritt turned one of his jokes into a song. The result was that millions of drunken hicks bought Bill's CDs.

edit Blue Collar Comedy Tour and Blue Collar TV

In 2003, Bill joined pro wrestling faction/comedy troupe The Blue Collar Comedy Tour. He was known as the "unfunny one" by fans.

The success of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour resulted in C-SPAN offering the group a show. All of the members, except Ron White (who was later discovered by Larry the Cable Guy to be a "commie bastard") accepted the offer. The show, Blue Collar TV, was a conservative political commentary show. It was successful at first, but Jeff Foxworthy developed mental illness in early 2006, and the show's quality slowly declined. Eventually, Bill attempted suicide, but failed. The show came to an end after he was released from a Birmingham Medical Center and had to take psychotherapy. That very same attempt almost drove the tour underground when it was discovered in the press that Bill, to date, has had 10 wives (all of which divorced) and 50 illegitimate children through his previous televangelist career.

edit Yeah, about Dawn...and The Bill Engvall Show...

2pokeball

Dawn is Bill Engvall's lone groupie

“It's hard being me...”
~ Dawn on how she's Bill Engvall's only groupie

Dawn is (not surprisingly) Engvall's only groupie. During the final show before Bill almost hanged himself, Dawn finally got to meet her fave comedian backstage. Dawn showed support for Bill throughout the therapy. Bill later confessed that Dawn "was one of the only reasons he didn't go off therapy" while still claiming his ex-wife was Anna Kournikova. In 2007, The Bill Engvall Show was scheduled to air. Dawn would star in a few of the first episodes as herself. She is the sexy next-door neighbor who just graduated from high school. Hard to believe she got this role...AND SHE ISN'T EVEN A TEEN!

edit Celebrity Deathmatch

In one of the most unusual and unexpected moves of his career, Engvall was chosen to be on Celebrity Deathmatch where he fought none other than Tim Burton. This match was chosen due to Bill Engvall criticizing Tim Burton during his televangelism days of being "unholy" and "a bad influence to the world." Engvall and Burton have since made up, but that's not important. MTV took advantage of this animosity and exploited it for huge profits public entertainment (cliche, but quite a reality). Tim Burton won the match when he used something akin to Sith Lightning to suck the life out of Engvall.

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