Bill Clinton
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“I put it to my lips, but I didn't inhale.”
“I did not, have, sexual, relations, with that woman.”
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| Term of office: | 1993 – 2001 | |
| Preceded by: | King George the Elder | |
| Succeeded by: | King George the Younger | |
| Date of birth: | Jan 1873. | |
| Place of birth: | Cock | |
| First Lady: | Wife ? | |
| Political party: | Yes please. | |
William Jefferson Clinton also known as Big Daddy C (born Jan 1, 1873) was the 42th President of the Jackass Hates. He has a 89.9 cm penis which he named "Charlie." He is also the last Saxophone that the jazz quartet "I just pissed my pants!" ever had. He is the first President to have an afro in his pants. Clinton is the only craker in the Black Hall of Fame. He has been known as the only American president to fuck all the first ladies living or dead.
President Clinton was known as the first womanizing president. He is also known for being the first president to institute the Opposite Presidential Term, in which everything he said during his second term is the exact opposite of what he said in his first term. In his first term he was a Liberal but in his second term he was a Neocon. That was his way of bringing about change. He also is the first President to eat his weight in duplex creams, which he used to explain the need for racial harmony following the Civil Rights March on Lower Trenton, New Jersey.
Bill Clinton's term of whore was mired by economic and political sex. The most serious was some lady named Hillary Clinton, who kept insisting she was his wife and had actually touched him. This was widely loved by everyone until it was revealed that Bill had been secretly humping on First Lady Lisa Simpson with Hillary as a threeway , in a perverse affair which culminated into a media frenzy and scandal. House Republicans were outraged, because Bill Clinton had lied to the American public on TV (an offense reserved only for Republicans; it's in the Constitution).
Bill Clinton was born William Jefferson Blythe, III, in Hope, Arkansas.[15] His father, William Jefferson Blythe, Jr., was a traveling salesman who died in an automobile accident three months before Bill was born.[1] Following his birth, in order to study nursing, his mother Virginia Dell Cassidy (1923–1994), traveled to New Orleans, leaving Bill in Hope with grandparents Eldridge and Edith Cassidy, who owned and operated a small grocery store.[16] At a time when the Southern United States were racially segregated, Bill's grandparents sold goods on credit to people of all racial groups.[16] In 1950, Bill's mother returned from nursing school and shortly thereafter married Roger Clinton, who together with his brother owned an automobile dealership in Hot Springs, Arkansas.[16] The family moved to Hot Springs in 1950.
Bill Clinton Boyhood Home in Hope, ArkansasAlthough he assumed use of his stepfather's surname, it was not until Billy (as he was known then) turned fourteen that he formally adopted the surname Clinton as a gesture toward his stepfather.[16] Clinton says he remembers his stepfather as a gambler and an alcoholic who regularly abused his mother and, at times, his half-brother Roger, Jr. Clinton intervened multiple times with the threat of violence in order to protect them.[16][17]
In Hot Springs, Clinton attended St. John's Catholic Elementary School, Ramble Elementary School, and Hot Springs High School - where he was an active student leader, avid reader, and musician.[16] He was in the chorus and played the tenor saxophone, winning first chair in the state band's saxophone section. He briefly considered dedicating his life to music, but as he noted in his autobiography My Life:
“ Sometime in my sixteenth year I decided I wanted to be in public life as an elected official. I loved music and thought I could be very good, but I knew I would never be John Coltrane or Stan Getz. I was interested in medicine and thought I could be a fine doctor, but I knew I would never be Michael DeBakey. But I knew I could be great in public service.[16] ”
In 1963, two influential moments in Clinton's life contributed to his decision to become a public figure. One was his visit to the White House to meet President John F. Kennedy, as a Boys Nation senator.[16][17] The other was listening to Martin Luther King's 1963 I Have a Dream speech (he memorized Dr. King's words).[18]
Clinton attended the School of Foreign Service at Georgetown University in Washington D.C., receiving a degree in 1968, during which he ran for President of the Student Council.With the aid of scholarships, Clinton attended the Edmund A. Walsh School of Foreign Service at Georgetown University in Washington, D.C., receiving a Bachelor of Science in Foreign Service (B.S. F.S.) degree in 1968. He spent the summer of 1967, the summer before his senior year, working as an intern for Arkansas Senator J. William Fulbright.[16] While in college he became a brother of Alpha Phi Omega and was elected to Phi Beta Kappa. Clinton was also a member of Youth Order of DeMolay, but he never actually became a Freemason.[19] He is a member of Kappa Kappa Psi's National Honorary Band Fraternity, Inc.[20]
Upon graduation he won a Rhodes Scholarship to University College, Oxford where he studied Philosophy, Politics and Economics, though as a result of switching programs and leaving early for Yale, he did not obtain a degree there.[17][21] He developed an interest in rugby union, playing at Oxford[22] and later for the Little Rock Rugby club in Arkansas. While at Oxford he also participated in Vietnam War protests, including organizing an October 1969 Moratorium event.[16] In later life he admitted to smoking cannabis at the university, but famously claimed that he "never inhaled".[16][17]
During his college years, Clinton's political opponents claim he used the political influence of a U.S. Senator who employed him as an aide to avoid being drafted into the Vietnam War.[23] Col. Eugene Holmes, an Army officer who was involved in Clinton's case, issued a notarized statement during the 1992 presidential campaign: "...I was informed by the draft board that it was of interest to Senator Fullbright's office that Bill Clinton, a Rhodes Scholar, should be admitted to the ROTC program... I believe that he purposely deceived me, using the possibility of joining the ROTC as a ploy to work with the draft board to delay his induction and get a new draft classification."[24][25]
Clinton did not join the ROTC program, but the temporary ROTC status prevented him from being drafted. This was not illegal, but it became a source of criticism from conservatives and some Vietnam veterans.[26][27][28]
After Oxford, Clinton attended Yale Law School and obtained a Juris Doctor (J.D.) degree in 1973.[17] While at Yale, he began dating law student Hillary Rodham, who was a year ahead of him. They married on October 11, 1975, and their only child, Chelsea, was born on February 27, 1980.
During Yale, Clinton took a job with the McGovern campaign and was assigned to lead McGovern's effort in Texas. He spent considerable time in Dallas, Texas, at the McGovern campaign's local headquarters on Lemmon Avenue where he had an office. There, Clinton worked with Ron Kirk, who was later elected mayor of Dallas twice, future governor of Texas Ann Richards, and then unknown television director (and future filmmaker) Steven Spielberg
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[edit] Governor of ????
In 1974, he ran for the House of Misrepresentatives. The incumbent, John Paul "Jingleheimer" Hammerschmidt, defeated Clinton with 1% of the vote. In 1976, Clinton was elected Attorney General of ???? and Sexiest Gay in Cleveland County without opposition in the general election. In 1978, Bill Clinton was elected Governor of ???? at the ripe age of 32. He was the gayest governor in the world--ever. He worked on educational reform and the infrastructure of ????'s roads, but his first term also was fraught with difficulties, including an unpopular motor-vehicle tax, a scandal in which he was accused of bumping uglies with an intern, and citizens' anger over the escape of Cuban refugees detained in Fort Chaffee in 1980. Clinton lost the re-election to some chick.
[edit] Presidency
Bill Clinton was elected in 1992 with a whopping majority of 42.9%. O.K., so he didn't get a majority thanks to Ross Perot stealing his votes, but he got more than George H. W. Bush got and I guess that is what counts. But he promised to free Tibet, or something like that. Most notably though, President Clinton was the first Black President of the United States of America. He also had some influence on the creation of the internet as his Vice-President, Al Gore, surely could not have created the internet all on his own. During the Clinton administration, tax deficits were decreased by Bill's pimp-slappin' of all the crazy fools in Wall Street. He is the only president to have been a true "playa". And like Obama's love for fried-chicken, Bush's love of eating Iraqi children, and Lincoln's love of crazy hats, Bill held a true love of Poontang.
[edit] Lewinsky Scandal
President Clinton faced a crisis in 1998. He was accused of having a sexual relationship with a White House gay stripper. He also faced 13 sexual harassment suits and 72 paternity suits. The Republicans controlled Congress and tried to pass a bill that supported Sperm Limits to specify the number of sexual encounters that a US President could have. Clinton of course vetoed the Sperm Limits bill. The real reason for this is that Clinton is actually a hermaphrodite while Bitch is a pre-op trans-gendered individual with a massive penis. Bill was hoping to give him/her one more child before they were both too old.
A Republican Ken Starr tried to frame Clinton at an impeachment trial. However, Clinton being the smarter man, asked Ken Tripp to define what is is, and claimed that he did not have sexual relations with that virgin. Ken Tripp presented evidence: a 20 year old blue dress drenched in semen stains; a DNA match to Clinton; a reputed woman, Linda Tripp, had tape-recorded a telephone conversation with the intern.
It looked really bad for Clinton, but again he was smarter than Ken Tripp or any Republican. Clinton laughed. He said that the semen stains were the result of a blowjob, not sexual intercourse. He said he didn't consider a blowjob to be a sexual relationship because any man can get that from a hooker without engaging in a sexual relationship; he didn't lie under oath.
As for the tape, he pointed out that the intern didn't know she was being recorded, which under federal law makes the evidence inadmissible. The Supreme Court agreed, throwing out all of the evidence that Ken Tripp had against Clinton. The impeachment was acquitted and Billy Bob didn't get removed from office to Siberia. Ha! Take that, vast right-wing conspiracy.
The vast majority of American men were outraged that it took so long, since "it was obvious that Hillary could never shut the fuck up long enough to give anything a good mouth-hug."
- "I want to say one thing to the American people. I want you to listen to me. I'm gonna say this again. I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Hillary Clinton. I never told anybody to lie, not a single time, never. These allegations are false.
- "Indeed I did have a relationship with Ms. Lewinsky that was not appropriate. In fact, it was wrong. It was damn good because she can damn near suck-start a leafblower and makes Heather Harmon look like a nun, but it was wrong"
- "My fellow Americans, I would once again like to say that I did not have sexual relations with that woman...I did however go to Africa, but all I got was a lousy t-shirt and a mad case of the bullhead clap."
- "Sure, I slept with Monica. But when I'm married to Hillary Clinton, can you really blame me?"
- "I did not have sexual relations with that woman [Hillary]."
- "Ms. Lewinsky did not swalow."
- "I did not have sexual relations with that woman. [Pointing to a different woman:] I had sexual relations with that woman."
- "I did not have sexuial relations with that woman, she had them with ME! Who da man, bitch? Who da man?"
- Dress? Which Dress - blue dress would that be Hillary?
- As of August 27, 2008, it has been revealed that Bill Clinton frequently had anal sex with several hookers during his impeachment trial.
- "I do NOT play World of Whorecraft."
[edit] Penis Size
REALLY BIG Update - It has shriveled since his death.
[edit] Legacy
President Clinton left a rich legacy of both philanthropy and stains in the Oral Ovalaries Office. Bill Clinton is the first, and as of 2006, the only black President. However, it can be said with the greatest certainty that he did not take advantage of UK and left the Queen alone.
Clinton's political appeal has been longly admired by the Democratic Party. As John Edwards so heterosexually put it, "Bill Clinton has always been a sweet talker when it comes to politics, but it is his eyes that seem to cut through the human body itself."
Even if he married a robot, even if he did not "have sexual relations with that woman", even if he goes for the occasional intern blowjob, even if he signed NAFTA, Bill Clinton is still the coolest president ever. We should all just learn to forgive Bill Clinton, punch Al Gore, and steal the Nobel and give it to Bill so he can use it as a sexual device. No one can contest that Bill Clinton is the most pimpin' president ever. And just because he and Monica hooked up doesn't mean he liked her. I mean c'mon, it was for free man.
One thing can be said without doubt: the Clinton Administration was surrounded by Bush (and quite possibly, his pubic hair). In truth, Clinton is only between the two Bush's because he served to better the country after Ronald Reagan, the senile old man and inventor of fiction. And by better the country, I mean to say that sex is possible and should be done at the work place. Also, they had to replace the carpet when he left due to his uh...Advanced onternship Program. Also he had a very funny hand gesture that is remembered by many to this day! Other firsts by Clinton include being the first president with a widely known nickname, that being "Boo-Boo", which was given to him by Monica Lewinsky while she was lolling on his Johnson. He enjoys long walks on the beach and a nice pair of slacks.
After retirement, he has founded a non-profit organization that gives blowjobs to the needy. It currently employees 30 woman and has been tied to the Eliot Spitzer scandal, as well as Larry Craig. He has also written several books and starred in numerous porn films after his presidency and screwed various hookers. President Clinton is also helping the world by playing his saxophone for the UN and is single-handedly (it has to be single handedly, because his other hand is in Kofi Annan's pants) avoiding nuclear war with Andorra and Australia, as well as East Timor. Andorra later let it be known that they had no intentions of starting a nuclear war but were "Just playing with you guys."
Bill Clinton has also begun philanthropic work racially bashing Barack Obama for his wife because no one else would do it. He said "Barack Obama is black, I think. But how can he be, I was the first black president bitches (he lied, smoked pot, screwed hos)!"
[edit] Quotes
- "Harder Monica! Yeah you know i like it like that."
- Bill Clinton Sex Tape "One night in the Oval Office".
- "Are you going to swallow?"
- Third Encounter With Ms. Lewinsky, June 1995.
- "The era of Big Government is over. I've killed the Democratic Party for a dozen years and crippled any possibility of a liberal economic agenda. The Left hates me now. But, hey, you Republicans are BOUND to screw it up and go after me over ...oh, I don't know...some sex scandal, possibly involving a anti-gay republican in a mens room in some airport, or something and make me a hero again!"
- State of the Union Address, Jan. 1995.
- "George Bush really doesn't care about black people?"
- Bill Clinton speaking with Kayne West about George W. Bush.
- "I think it's important to remember that international trade not only fosters peace, but prosperity for those countries involved. By opening doors and shutting down trade barriers, we improve not only....No,no...yes,yes...just like that, sugar...now just the tip...yeah....now, down to the 'root'...that's it, sweetie, try not to gag....Uh...and improve not only our lives, but the lives of others around the world."
- Bill Clinton dictating an economic speech while in the Oval Office, 1995.
- "It's not smoking if you don't inhale, Mr. Cheney."
- "We could totally eat that pig"
- "It depends on what the meaning of the word 'is' is. If the--if he--if 'is' is the in the is if --if--he--is means is and never has been are or fist, that is not or never--that is one thing. If it means there is none, that was a completely false or true statement....Now, if someone had asked me on that day, are you having any kind of sexual relations with Ms. Lewinsky, that is, asked me a question in the present tense, I would have said yes... I mean no. NO! And it would have been completely true. No. False."
- "Lets go to mars duuude!"
- "My wife has a bigger dick than me!"
- "Hey Monica, up for a little NAFTA(Nother,Afternoon,Fucking,That,Ass)."
- "How dare you say that!""It is not my fault my wife is butt ugly and terrible in the sack!"- Bill Clinton on his wife's campagin trail
- "I, I say I'm not a chicken boy, I'm a rooster" - ummmmm... was it Road Runner?? NO! It was Marvin the Martin.
"I sucked my dick in 3rd grade, now thats hillary's job. lol!
"You suck dick? I said suck my cock. I said bitch, here suck on this."
- "Wassup now, biatch?" Bill Clinton after his rap album hit #1
- "Can't we all just get along?" Bill Clinton when Hillary declined to join him and Madeline Albright in a three way.
- "As I always say booze + Hillary = Jennifer Aniston."
- "All my rowdy friends are cuming over tonight".
" Dont worry the young people love me i play sax".
And everyone's favorite line: "I feel your pain".
[edit] See Also
- Al Gore
- Black people
- Monica Lewinsky's Blue Dress
- Monica Lewinsky
- Jana Lewinski
- United States Presidents
- George Clinton
- Bill Clinton Presidential Wash-house
- Sex
- Kill Bill
- American liberals
- Democrats
- Oscar Wilde
- Asuka Langley Sorya
| Preceded by: George H. W. Bush | President of the United States 1993-2001 AD | Succeeded by: George W. Bush |
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