Bill (son of God)

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Before God created the earth, he had an extra-marital affair with a fairly promiscuous angel. The result was an illegitimate demi-god, which God decided to name Bill, a name He deemed "So generic, no one would remember it." Bill is best known for the creation of the platypus, snow, the brightness of the sun, and body odor. Bill may have a mild case of autism.


edit Bill and Creation

After God was done creating the world, He decided to take a break, and go play some checkers with Himself. In all of His infinite wisdom, God left Bill in charge, telling him to "not make a mess." Bill, being an art student and only capable of creating bullshit, set to work.

God, much to His own dismay, accidentally wound up in a paradox while playing checkers. Because He was infinitely good at Checkers, He could not beat himself, and thus was stuck. After a few million years transpired, He eventually escaped the paradox by creating Quantum Physics. When He arrived back at the Earth, God found Bill playing shuffle board with the sub-continent of India. God asked Bill what he had been up to in His absence.

Bill reached deep into his pocket and pulled out a handful of snow. God looked at this white lump of wet and cold and asked, "What is this nonsense?"

"It's called Snow, Dad, and it falls from the sky!" Bill responded innocently.

"Who the Hell would want that?" God asked, simultaneously (and accidentally) creating Hell. "Now what else have you made?"

Bill reached down into his other pocket and pulled out a deformed looking animal with fur, webbed feet, and a duck bill. "What is this?" God asked.

"It's called a platypus! It lays eggs, Dad!" Bill stated, very proud of himself.

"What sense does that make! It's a Mammal for My sake!"

God looked up into the sky, and realized that the warm, loving sun He had created, was much brighter than he remembered it. "Bill, what happened to the Sun?" God asked.

"The fly-traps were complaining that they were cold." Bill responded, but God wasn't listening. Instead, he was staring at the dried out carcasses of one horned horses.

"Bill, you made the sun too bright, and you killed my Unicorns!" God began to cry. His salty tears pooled together and became the Great Salt Lake.

edit God gives Bill a second chance

God, being the tolerant fellow that he is, settled merely for giving Bill a spanking for his misbehavior, and made Bill promise not to screw around with the world anymore. Shortly afterwards, Bill's more famous brother Jesus was born. Bill became very jealous of Jesus for all the attention God was giving him. He wanted to do something to make his father notice him. So, he distracted God by giving Him an unsolvable rubix cube, and went to work. When God figured out three seconds later that his son had given him a fake rubix cube, he rushed back to Earth, but it was too late. He noticed a change immediately.

"What have you done now, Bill?" said God furiously, "what is that awful stench?"

"It's the new thing I've invented," responded Bill, "it's called body odor! Isn't that exciting?"

"WHAT?!?" shouted God, "I wanted the people I created to smell like cranberries! This is a total outrage!"

edit Exile and escape

God sent Bill to Limbo, to wait out Eternity as a punishment for making human beings smell horribly. Unfortunately, thanks to the Catholic Church, Limbo was dissolved in 1963, and Bill was free again. Since then, he has been the source of many of the planet's shortcomings, including body odor, emo kids, and ingrown toenails. He has created all of these things for his own amusement. God has taken responsibility for his son's misbehavior, saying "I should have spent more quality time with him. Then he wouldn't have turned out to be such a spoiled brat." God has reportedly gone on a mission to hunt down his illegitimate son, but this has not been easy. Bill is a master of disguise. He is reportedly trying to reserve a position in the apocalyptic battle at the end of the world, and if he wins the battle, Earth will be turned into a giant country club/casino hotel.

edit The Church Of Bill

Founded by Andy Timbull, First Pope of Bill, in 1879 as a scam to profit from the gold rush, The Church of Bill has ever been a haven for the boring, the mildly annoying, and the jerk. Many insipid and dull people have flocked together to worship Bill as their divine patron, having been obviously ignored by God, who has many other beautiful and interesting people to occupy himself with instead. The Church of Bill mirrors the Roman Catholic Church almost exactly, save a few subtle differences. For example, the Church of Bill uses the Roman Catholic bible for it's masses, but the priest reading it's passages will roll his eyes constantly and occasionally raises his eyebrow while using a mocking falsetto, or simply be unable to read for a bout of hysterical laughter lasting almost ten minutes. Also, the traditional Eucharist of bread and wine is replaced with a small potluck brunch, often including gelatin desert with other foods suspended inside of it.

In his last papal bull, Pope Leo XIII described the Church of Bill as, "a menagerie of fags," which is now the common term used amongst Vatican officials when speaking of the Church of Bill, and any zoo which displays a variety of homosexuals. The latter definition, being rather rare, takes a back seat.

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