The Notorious B.I.G.

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“That nigga gonna pay for what he did to me.”
~ Tupac on Biggie Smalls
BiggieSmalls

Christopher Black-n-Mild Wallace AKA Biggie Smalls AKA The Notorious B.I.G.

Christopher Black-n-Mild Wallace (born May 21, 1972; better known as The Notorious B.I.G. and Biggie Smalls) was a famous American rapper. Known for his life of crime, drug-dealing, and fried chicken, he was nicknamed Biggie Smalls because he prefered his Fried Chicken wings to be big, not small. He was murdered on March 9th, 1997 by some black guy.

Early Years

BiggiesMom

Shaniqua Blackie Wallace, Biggie's Mother, always kept fried chicken available around the house. She was inevitably fired from her job at Popeyes when found eating KFC chicken.

Biggie was born to Shaniqua Blackie Wallace, an anal prostitute and Popeyes employee, and his father (name not specified), a Crack Cocaine dealer, in the city of Brooklyn, New York. Biggie grew up in the tough neighborhood of Niggerville, where niggaz often got capped. At the age of 9, he rolled his first blunt and drank his first bottle of Malt Liquor. Biggie was morbidly obese at an early age because there was always access to fried chicken at his home. His mother was never there because she served 2 jobs, working at a Popeyes, as well as being a prostitute.

One day, Biggie's father went out of town to go to a Fried Chicken-eating contest, but after winning the contest he was killed in a drive-by shooting. That left just Christopher and his mother. Since Shaniqua was never at home, Biggie soon began getting into trouble. At the age of 11 he was in a local gang called The C.L.G. which stands for chicken, liquor, and guns. It was in this gang where he was brought in the business of Crack Cocaine. As well as dealing the drug at an early age, he learned how to handle a gun, and eventually "cap a nigga." At school, Biggie received horrible grades because the cafeteria didn't serve Malt Liquor and he was deprived of his hourly snack, a 50 piece bucket of fried chicken. He spent most of his time "kickin' it" with his "niggaz", Busta Rhymes and Jay-Z. At age 11, his mother was killed during Popeyes robbery, by a hungry black transsexual homeless man. When interviewed about the incident, Biggie replied:

Cquote1 Maaaaaaan I didn't even know that I had a mom, naa mean? Cquote2

During the 6th grade, when he was 12 years old, he had a dispute in the cafeteria with another African-American child. The child (DeAndre McChicken) was in line for lunch in the school cafeteria. DeAndre was allegedly served the "good piece of chicken", and Biggie demanded the kid hand over the chicken wing for a much smaller piece. When the kid refused, saying it was an unfair trade, Biggie allegedly said: "Gimme yo chicken, nigga!" and got up from the lunch table, where he trapped DeAndre in a headlock and brought him down to the floor, where he sat on him. Biggie's weight broke all of the bones in DeAndre's body, as well as stopping his heart. After the incident, Biggie apparently thought nothing of it and sat back down at the lunch table, where he finished his chicken as well as DeAndre's in under 2 minutes. After this was reported to police, the school called it an "utter disagreement between 2 of our finest students." Biggie was expelled from the school, and did not intend to enroll in any others. Instead, he decided to focus on his life of crime.

Biggie's First Party

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Biggie Smalls, age 12. Look at those lips!

At age 15, 3 years after being expelled from Compton Elementary, Biggie was free at last. He had successfully "pimped" his house, loaded with fried chicken, liquor, strippers, and pictures of guns and big cars. There was always a rap music video from MTV on his television. Still, despite the videos, rap music constantly blazed in the background. Two months before his 16th birthday, Biggie had a party at his crib. He only invited 7 guests, but 300 showed up, because they heard there was going to be fried chicken and malt liquor. Biggie was not overwhelmed by this large crowd because he was piss drunk and getting a lap dance from a fat black prostitute.

As the party went on into the night, two black guys that were there allegedly got into an argument over a bottle of liquor. Vincent Johnson said that the bottle of liquor on the table was his. However, Sway Bluntpasser said that it was his. The two argued, but nobody could tell what they were saying because their voices were muffled because of the size of their lips. Vincent suggested that Sway just get another bottle from the refrigerator, but Sway was too lazy too and continued arguing. Eventually, this escalated, and Vincent chugged the rest of the bottle and smashed it over Sway's head. Sway cried out in pain, in which another black guy complained at Sway for ruining his blunt rip. Sway then focused his attention on both of them, and they all went up to each other and pulled out Gats, Glocks and Tech-9s. After a few seconds of more unintelligible bickering, they opened fire on each other.

Biggie2

Biggie Smalls, age 15, the day of his out-of-control party.

They were too drunk to aim properly, so the bullets went flying everywhere and hit innocent guests. At this time, everyone was in a panic. There was blood and black people all over the floor. The rest of the guests all rushed for the door, but it became a group collision and many of them were trampled. They were all too drunk to figure out how to open the door, so they thought it was broken and started running around Biggie's house frantically. Biggie took nothing of it, in fact, his eyes were half closed because he had allegedly smoked over a pound of weed from the start of the party to this. The shots continued to fly. Eventually, Vincent was hit and fell to the ground.

That made Sway notice he had accomplished his goal and look down, but then the 3rd person, (who was complaining about Sway's voice earlier), saw an opportunity and blew Sway's head off with a Glock. Then, for no apparent reason, he started firing the remainder of his rounds at the fleeing party members. 13 more were killed, and they continued running around until one of them accidentally ran into the door, opening it. As they all rushed to the door, one of them allegedly tripped over a basketball, falling to the floor. A good portion of the crazed crowd tripped over him, and it became a trample. 60 more party members died from being run over by the escaping crowd.

After exiting the house, they all persisted to run home until they found a basketball hoop in Biggie's driveway, in which they all fought over. 40 more people were killed at the basketball hoop. After that, the rest ran home.

The next morning officials came to Biggie's house, where he was on his 75th black and mild. They questioned him about all the dead people in his house and on his driveway. He apparently responded: "Maaaan I'o'know' maaaaaan I was just sittin' hurrr and I heard a bunch of noise na'a mean?" Biggie was arrested and taken to the county jail, but they let him go because he was too fat to fit through the cell door. The police report suggested that less people would have died if the tramplers weren't all wearing Air Jordans.

Ready To Die (For Fried Chicken)

Biggie's most first and most well-known album, Ready To Die (For Fried Chicken), was released in 1994, under Bad Nigga Records. It contained several big hits, including "Morbidly Obese Poppa", "Gimme The Chicken", "Juicy Fried Chicken", and "One More Chance To Eat Some Fried Chicken". The majority of the songs' lyrical content is about fried chicken, malt liquor, marijuana, fried chicken, crack cocaine, robbery/crime, shining shoes, fried chicken, fat sweaty black booty-slappin' sexual intercourse, and fried chicken. The highly-acclaimed album received generally positive reviews, and brought in a large amount of papers, but for some strange black reason, Biggie continued to sell crack and cap niggaz. Why? Because that's just what niggaz do!

Death

On March 9, 1997, Biggie was driving his Hummer to Popeyes and stopped at a red light. As he waited for the light to change, a red Escalade stopped alongside his car, the windows rolled down, and an unidentified Black guy capped his ass. Many claim the murderer was rival rapper Tupac, getting revenge on Biggie for not paying for the Fried Chicken last time they hung out at Popeyes.

Legacy

Though he was a fat, Black stereotype, Biggie had a large impact on the Black community. Whenever Busta Rhymes eats a chicken wing, he says a prayer for his nigga Biggie. But most Black people would rather listen to popular MTV-publicized rap, such as Soulja Boy, Lil Wayne, Chamillionaire, Ludacris and Will Smith. However, most of this rap sucks ass (see Real Hip-Hop for rap that doesn't suck ass). Interestingly, all of those rappers have at one point or another jacked Biggie's style.

If you say Biggie Smalls three times in your bathroom mirror, Biggie will appear and bust a cap in your cracker ass.

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