Big Scruffie

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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Big Scruffie.
Warning Dont edit to crappy or Big Scruffie will kill you!
“Fuck you!”
~ Big Scruffie on Life
“During your life, never stop dreaming. No one can take away your crack”
~ Big Scruffie on Dreaming
“Reality is wrong. Dreams come and go, but crack is fo' evah”
~ Big Scruffie on The Relativity of Human perception and the Metaphysics of reality...and Crack
“I eat 'em fo breakfast”
~ Big Scruffie on Rich White People
“Ay!I told you stop hitting the table. When you hit the table the record skips, stop”
~ Big Scruffie on The Guy Hitting The Table

Big Scruffie was the most influential rapper of all time. His first hit was the EP, "Yo dis is Big Scruffie!" The album got overwhelmingly postive reviews on such media as Rolling Stone, Entertainment Weekly, The Daily Crack and the Street Enquirer.

Terance-5

Big Scruffie doing his patented yar har me matey's move.


Tha Streets Volume 1

Originally released in 1967, Scruffie's groundbreaking second debut album, "Tha Streets Volume 1, The Streets" was recorded in 45 seconds, but creates a strange paradox, as the album lasts 50 minutes. It is reminiescent of the Beatles' "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" but better in every single way. Being the first concept album, Big Scruffie's lyrics tell the story of asphalt and its chemical composition, because as everyone knows, Big Scruffie invented asphalt, therefore literally creating the streets, therefore creating all street culture and all things involving streets.

"Asphalt is a dark brown to black, highly viscous, hydrocarbon produced from petroleum distillation residue" -Big Scruffie's Song, "Bitch I Made Da Streets; Literally"Feat. Mozart, Feat. Rick Astley Feat. Bob Da Builda

Big Scruffie's second debut album also includes songs of various other real shit such as; whores, bitches, carrots, hats, plungers, cops, trees, and mo' asphalt. Ain't no diggity. It's rumoured that Tha Streets Vol 1 contains Satanic messages when played backwards, but Big Scruffie claims otherwise:

“Na dude that shit aint true”
~ Big Scruffie on The Truth
Big-scruff-scruff

Big Scruffie and his dead gang members when he was young.

Influence on Rap Music

As the most influential rapper ever, all rap songs are just covers of Big Scruffies original work. Here is just one example of the influences Big Scruffie has had on the rap community, seen in this song about working in a North Eastern Ohio grocery chain

Acme FRESH Market, By Dem AcmӘ Boyz

I walk into Acme

and my street-cred precedes me.

As the Master Packer

nd the head bitch slapper.

I be single, double, triple, baggin

gettin chicks numbahs like i'm combo baggin.

Yea deez cashiers be filthy hos

covered in viruses from head to toe.

I hate it when its busy

cuz den da office be lookin fo me.

But when its slow we whip out the ho's and the dro

and party all night long

with a bigass bong

Value-Time is a crime,

but food-club price is just right....


Gang Activity

Shortly before inventing the streets, Big Scruffie made the first real gangs from christian youth groups. He started both the Crips and the Bloods, making him the only official Croop to ever live. Traditional garb for Croops is to flamboyantly wear the color purple.

Not only has big scruffie made the bloods and crips, but he is VERY influenctional on new gangs and old gangs, they especially like his rap songs about the road, they sometimes get attack plans from his raps.

WWB Thumbnail

Big Scruffie Right before he created his gangs.

Album-purple-haze

Camron, an honorary Croop reppin his purple.

Early Childhood

Big Scruffie had a rough childhood growing up in San Andreas. He often wrote about ways he got through his pain and life struggles with deep philosophical anecdotes in his journal. He was the smartest in the class, as well as bringing sagging pants into fashion in his bi-curious years showing that he was anally available to other men. One distinct example of Big Scruffies Early Childhood musings is the following passage found in Scruffie's diary:

Crack

When I was alone, and had nothing

I asked for a friend to help me bear the pain

No one came, except Crack

When I needed a breath to rise, from my sleep

No one could help me.. except Crack


When all I saw was sadness, and I needed answers

No one heard me, except Crack

So when I'm asked.. who I give my unconditional love to?

I look for no other thing, except Smokin da Crack

Later in Life

Big Scruffie has influenced the world in many ways throughout his life, including the following. When Big Scruffie was about 14 years old, he was stuck in a Bloods vs. Crips gang war and killed everyone there, including two police officers at the doughnut shop, and Your Mom. After a successful gang war or other such endeavor Big Scruffie has been known to chant, " Bitch, I made da streetz(Literally) so get the fuck out!". One of his closest friends, R-Kelly, had taught him how to get the respect he deserves by giving an underage girl a golden shower in front of him. During one of the more significant gang fights in the war of 1812, R-Kelly abandoned him and Scruffie was shot 14 times by a pirate blunderbuss, survived all shots, and went on to revolutionize the production of the dragon scale armor now standard issue for all Croops and US military, although this discovery and invention hasn't been announced or broadcast to the public for the safety of Big Scruffie and the Middle Easterns in conflict. Many, many, letters have been sent to Big Scruffie, requesting his attendance in a world court for the new world order, every times he has declined, saying "They just want me cuz i made da streetz". In 1980 Big Scruffie published his best selling and chart topping album publicly criticizing the government and modern philosophical beliefs entitled "Bitch, get da fuck outta my streets, Shit!." Big Scruffie has created but not received credit for most of the important inventions of the 20th century, including The vacuum cleaner, Snow plows, the cure for AIDS, the automobile, and the all-important Toaster oven. He usually raps about the things he sees or has experienced. MTV totally censors Big Scruffie because they are afraid of the public traffic of their channel and website, and for the safety of "Dem White Crackas." In his own words " Fuck MTV, dey ain't gud enough for me,nobody is." Big Scruffie is a well-known bias jury member and even though big Scruffie is a well-known rapper, he has invented the genre Techno and the well known underground black Norwegian metal KVLT which is the medieval version of a Cult. In his upcoming Rap album he will be spittin out rhymes about norse mythology and how he got the vikings where they needed to be, Big scruffie A.K.A Scruffie the boss of the Ingvar viking clan.

Big Scruffies Influences

Stupid-black-people

This is what happens when white people listen to big scruffies songs.

Big Scruffie has many influences on white people. In fact, a lot of his new songs cause some white peoples brains to explode from the excessive white power hate. While this in no way imlpies racism, it does explain why Kanye West can wear "those" glasses and look cool, while white guys simply look like douche-bags. The chaos inflicted upon white people is so disastrous that it has inspired several motion pictures such as The Happening, War of the Worlds and I am Legend (you know, the vampires?). This radical and violent occurence has given even furher rise to the belief that Big Scruffie posessess supernatural ability however there have been reported cases of white people surviving and going on to become promimnent individuals in society and history (Eminem, Abraham Lincoln etc). These cases are few and far apart. If someone of caucasion complexion DOES wish to listen to the music, it is recommended to wrap yourhead in electrical tape, move yourself to an adjacent building, and have your black friend turn the music on minimum volume inside of a lead box.

Exploding head-white-people

Common effects when white people try to listen to big scruffies songs.

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Hitler and his cat were big Scruffie fans, however.

Big Scruffie is known everywhere, and the only ethnicity that has effects from listening to his songs are white people.

"No one knows why white people can't handle his music, we think he just hates white people." -The New York Times

"Mahn i dont knowz what the fuck they talkin about, i love those white crackas, they just cant handle aything" -Big Scruffies Response

Anonymous sources say that big scruffie still thinks that he may be trying to exclude white people from being able to hear his songs, White folk claim that big scruffie is trying to spread white people hate around the world.

Trivia

  • He is a victim of waterboarding
  • Is a member of the Bloods and the Crips
  • Big Scruffie invented The Game
  • Big Scruffie doesn't huff kittens, this muthafucka huffs Grues
  • Will replace Jay Leno as host of the Tonight show in 2069
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