Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing
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“Well how the hell did I do that? I just flew up a goddamn mountain at 90 MPH and... seriously what the fuck, I'm in outer space now and my truck is having a seizure... FUCK!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Big Rigs
“You're Douche!”
~ Game Shop owner on you buying the game
“This game is cool!”
~ George W. Bush on Big Rigs
“I love this game!”
~ John McCain on Big Rigs
“This game defies the laws of physics.”
~ Captain Obvious on the fact that Big Rigs is broken
“Can you drive semi trucks in this game?”
~ Captain Oblivious on Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing
“This game is a bit lower in quality than most other video games.”
~ Captain Understatement on Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing
Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing is a fictional video game in which everything is possible and nothing is what it seems. The game has received inter-galactic praise from various websites such as GameInfarcer, GameSpoot, DiddlyDoodly, and France.
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[edit] Story
The story of Big Rigs is very unique. It's like, seriously different. Imagine some sort of hybrid cross between Transformers (robots in disguise) and Halo (more than meets the eye). This is clearly the most bad-ass concept for a game that has ever been brought to my attention.
Now imagine if you will (and even if you won't, really nothing changes), that this game to end all games must be programmed by one man. One man who is very angry and very quadriplegic. This man also has no tongue, for if he could speak, he would scream of the horrors he is experiencing in his warped mind as he smashes into his keyboard and pours into this game the very foulest of inhuman curses and so damns his game coding and then I guess he probably compiles it, BUT HE DOESN'T DEBUG IT! And then he does whatever else game programmers do before the game is made available throughout various stores near you, on June 6, 2006.
[edit] Sub-Plots
And so we find The Mighty Warrior: Steve Gutenberg in the middle of a forest, building a small campfire after a long day of fighting ninjas and/or pirates. The Gute is just about to reach for a stick, when suddenly he hears something very quiet. "A little too quiet.", he says out loud, fearlessly. Suddenly there are ninjas attacking everywhere. "Hey, stop kicking that bush, you damn ninja." he said fearlessly. Suddenly there were pirates humping everything. "Hey, stop humping my face, you damn pirate." he said repeatedly. Suddenly there was 18-wheelers racing everywhere. "Hey, stop driving through scenery, you damn trucks." he said angrily. "No, really, those are houses. You can't just drive through them; they're supposed to be solid... and why the hell do I go backwards so fast? I might as well drive the whole race backwards, that way I don't get beat by... nobody? I'm not racing against anyone? What the fuck?!
There is also a sub-plot in which the police do not show up and try to stop you, and your opponent does not battle you in the race of a lifetime.
[edit] Gameplay
The gameplay is decidedly simpler than the story I made up. The player (that's you!) must race against multiple opponents (and sometimes nobody) in a race against time to see who can race to the finish line in time to win the race first in time for pizza.
There are a plethora of selectable characters, all equipped with unique special abilities and custom designs. For instance: all of the vehicles drive through bridges, while only one of them makes my computer crash. The tracks are similar in that they are all equally fun and that one of them is unplayable.
Other than racing, you may enjoy driving through buildings, speeding moronically fast over mountains and dancing in the Grey Void of Stupidness.
[edit] Opponents
As mentioned above, the AI in Big Rigs is something to be beheld, but at the same time, it has been accused of being unfairly good.
When you start the game, the AI analyzes the best route to beat you. It usually uses the Ghost technique, wherein a false image stands on the start position while the real truck (invisible) finds the way to success. This fools you into waiting around in the starting position while the opponent thrashes your dumb ass. It has also been reported that the opponent just goes through The Grey Void of Stupidness, which a human could never attempt, as they would just smash their computer out of anger when they drive into it.
[edit] Extras
There are a few extras on the game to unlock. You can unlock several unplayable tracks and trucks by:
- Playing the game for longer than 20 seconds.
- Fooling your friend into playing for longer than 20 seconds.
The list of extras include:
- An unrendered truck model
- A blank level
[edit] Big Rigs Rating
[edit] Anger
In extremely rare occasions (always) this game has been known to cause explosive bouts of "anger". The following is a recorded quote from a person playing Big Rigs:
"I'm so bored! There isn't even any music, it's just driving around at the same speed with nothing to ever slow you down, no obstacles, no opponents, no objective, just driving along until a screen pops up saying "YOU'RE WINNER!" WHY AM I PLAYING THIS?! I HATE MY LIFE!"
[edit] LOVE
Also, did I mention:
THE GAME WOULDN'T EVEN RUN ON MY TINY DICK, SO I HAD TO WALK TO A FRIEND'S HOUSE TO INSTALL AND PLAY WITH IT! I ACTUALLY MADE PHYSICAL EFFORTS TO BE ABLE TO PLAY WITH MY TINY DICK! I LOVE THIS DICK SOOOO MUCH
THIS GAME IS HELL BUT SATAN LOVES IT, THIS GAME IS A DISEASE BUT CANCER WILL GO NEAR IT, THIS GAME IS NOT THE HOLOCAUST AND IF YOU PLAY IT, YOU ARE A SUPA KEWL RACIST!
I'm pretty sure I did, yes definitely.
YOU'RE WINNER!
SEXY' Stellar Stone, GO TO HEAVEN!
I LOVE YOU!!!!
