Big Red Ball Trampoline Game, God Damnit!
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Okay, shut up and let's get down to some freaking business, here! This article is about the God Damn Big Red Ball Trampoline Game, God Damnit! It is a game played with a large red ball, and a large trampoline, and a minimum of 3 people. There is a vote going on about whether or not to make this game an olympic sport, a college sport, a pro sport, and a high school sport. So, you better read up on it, or else you will be left in the dust when this game takes off!!
[edit] Rules, God Damnit!
Ok, here are the general rules of The Big Red Ball Trampoline Game, God Damnit! These rules will be used in tournament play, as well as backyard play, or season play, or exhibition play, under penalty of death if they aren't used, God Damnit.
[edit] ARTICLE I
[edit] Section I: Pre-game
Before the game starts, players must have only 9 hours or less sleep in the last two days, and have drank a lot of soda the day of the game, and ate cold pizza. The two opposing teams, consisting of 4 players, will gather beside the trampoline, where the referee will take out the official flipping coin. The visiting team calls the toss, and if correct, nothing happens. If the visiting team is incorrect however, nothing happens. The players then perform a pun-war about a subject started by the referee. The team that runs out of puns first will be the throwing team. The teams then do warm-up exercises, which involve chanting around the trampoline, "GOOGACHAKA, GOOGACHAKA" until the teams feel they are warmed up. The teams then choose 2 starting throwers, and one starting dodger. The pun-war winners' dodger steps onto the trampoline, and the losing team's throwers stand on opposite sides of the trampoline. The referee then blows the geiger counter, and the game begins.
[edit] Section II: General Play
The throwing players decide which player will start with the ball. They will stand on opposite sides of the trampoline, with the dodger standing in the center of the trampoline. At the sound of the geiger counter, the throwers, standing a minimum of 3 feet from the trampoline, will throw with one, two, or pi hands, kick with one, two, or pi legs, barf up, headbut, bump, roll, or use telekenesis to launch the ball at the dodger in an attempt to strike him with the ball. There will be no time in which the ball will be allowed to come into contact with the gall bladder of either of the throwers. This will result in harsh consequenses(see penalties). The ball will be controlled by both of the throwers who are allowed to move with the ball, as long as the throwers are always straight across the trampoline from eachother. As the balls are thrown, the dodger will attempt to dodge the ball at all costs. Each team will be allowed one "Super Move" per game, in which the entire team can do whatever they want. For every time the dodger dodges the ball, one penguin will be awarded to his team. If either of the throwers manage to strike the dodger, 5 penguins will be awarded to their team. Every time 5 cycles of throwing(both throwers throw), a mini-game of Real-Time Pacman will be played for a bonus to the winning team of the number of points they get in pacman penguins. In the pacman game, a house will be used as a maze, and one person from each team separately will play as pacman, as the other team plays as the ghosts. The pacman will go around picking up soda bottles, and as the big yellow things, pizza boxes(of which there will be 4). The team with the pacman will get one point for every bottle collected. Games will last until the player has been caught 3 times, or the bottles are all picked up. This process will be continued until the referee rolls a 14 on two 8-sided dice.
[edit] Section III: Post Game
After the game has ended, the team with the most penguins is victorious. This team must then perform a victory dance infront of the losing team to rub it in their faces. The team then must visit the nearest concrete yard and get 4 concrete blocks. The team must then place the blocks in a trash can, and place the trashcan in a tireswing taking note that one of their arm's gets stuck, and must be yanked out. The team will then wind up the tire swing, and let it go, thus signifying their victory.
[edit] Section IV: Substitutions
Substitutions are only allowed if the player being substituted is mortally wounded, or is named "Hyenaman". The substitution can only be made inbetween throws, or during the mini game. The substitution must be signified by the slapping of hands of the exchanging players, and there may only be one person on the trampoline at a time, but a minimum of one player on the trampoline at a time. If throwers are being substituted for, there must be a minimum and/or maximum of two throwers in the throwing area.
[edit] Section V: Changing Rules
The changing of rules can only occur on 3 conditions: 1. The house of representatives of the BRBTG, comprised of cute little furry bunnies must vote in favor of the change. 2. The senate of the BRBTG, comprised of cute little baby seals must vote against the change. 3. Both teams must agree to the change in rules.
[edit] Penalties, God Damnit!
Here is a list of some penalties that are common in the BRBTG. All of these penalties are ILLEGAL, and are punishable by either loss of penguins, or in the worst case scenario, being slapped in the face with meunster(is that spelled correctly?) cheese.
- In the case that the Big Red Ball comes into contact with the gall bladder of either of the throwers: a number of penguins equal to that of the amount of times the opposing dodger can spin around in a circle in one minute without vomiting will be deducted from the thrower's total team score.
- In the case of the minimum or maximum amount of dodgers and/or throwers is not present on the trampoline and/or in the throwing area: The opposing throwers and/or dodgers will hurl acorns at the rule-breaking dodger(s) and or thrower(s). The dodgers and/or throwers must take the acorns like real tulips, until the acorn supply is depleted from the special acorn barrel.
- In the case of maiming: There is no penalty for maiming another player.
- In the case of whining about the rules: The rule breaker will be slapped with a slice of münster cheese.
- In the case that a thrower accidentally throws a manitee instead of the Big Red Ball: The bastard thrower will have a choice. He can either eat an electric eel like spaghetti, or he can enter a gymnastics tournament and wear a leotard saying, "that HAD to hurt!" whenever someone falls. He then must yell, "Who's with me? Anyone?" If noone is with him, he must eat the very manitee that he threw's grandmother's knitted sweater for lunch. Penguins will then be added to the thrower's team's score, then their score will be divided by pi.
- In the case that any player, spectator, referee, marine biologist, or octopus says anything remotely insulting about graham crackers: Armies of squirrels will flock to the location of the rule breaker and forcibly take him to work for all eternity in their secret nut mines where they are mining nuts in order to take over the human race.
- In the case that the dodger's pants split open while he is dodging the Big Red Ball: The dodger will be forced to join an African music band and go on tour in Antarctica. A number of acorns equal to the amount of penguins that attend the concerts on the tour of the band will be subtracted from the dodger's team's barrel and then thrown at cute kittens who will then kill the penguins on the dodger's team's side, causing an avalanche during a concert, causing the dodger to be able to escape, causing Nazis to inhabit Czechloslovakia, causing a war, causing blue whales to revolt against the human race, causing the dodger to join the anti-blue whale army, causing the blue whales to attack, causing blue whales to become extinct, causing the dodger to return to the game causing the continuance of the game.
[edit] Equipment, God Damnit!
The equipment used for the Big Red Ball Trampoline Game consist of several things:
- A BIG RED BALL, OBVIOUSLY, GOD DAMNIT!
- A TRAMPOLINE, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, GOD DAMNIT!
- AN GOD DAMN INVISIBLE SUIT OF FULL GOD DAMN PLATE MAIL, GOD DAMNIT!
- TENNIES (TENNIS SHOES)!!
[edit] SPECIAL MOVES, GOD DAMNIT!
This is a list of the special moves one can perform during the Big Red Ball Trampoline Game, besides the normal throw and dodge. The moves require expertise in the field of the Big Red Ball Trampoline Game, and it is stressed that only professionals perform the moves, God Damnit! The difficulty of the move will be marked with a "&", depending on the difficulty. The rating will go from one "&", for the easiest, to "&&&^%!!", for the most difficult.
[edit] Thrower Moves
[edit] Move 1: Difficulty=& - The Twirly Over the Head Throw
The throwing player begins with the ball held infront of them, facing the trampoline. The player then jumps into the air, spins around 180 degrees, and upon landing, with both hands, hurls the ball over their head in the direction of the dodging player.
[edit] Move 2:Difficulty=* - The Tornado Launch
The throwing player begins in the same manner as the Twirly Over the Head Throw, except on jumping, the player spins 360 degrees, and, using the momentum of the spin, hurls the ball with a great speed at the dodging player. CAUTION: THIS MOVE IS VERY DANGEROUS TO THE DODGING PLAYER!
[edit] Move 3:Difficulty=~!+# - The Running Forward Dive Throw
The throwing player runs away from the trampoline with the ball exactly 15.8914614909016879082 feet. The player then sprints towards the trampoline, and at exactly 4.5653 feet away from the trampoline, the player dives forward, throwing the ball at a great speed towards the dodging player.
[edit] Move 4:Difficulty={qwerty@33^)]\& - The PerXes CAUTION: THIS MOVE IS FOR HIGHLY TRAINED PROFESSIONALS ONLY, AND EVEN THEY CAN'T PERFORM THIS MOVE. THIS MOVE IS NOT RECOMMENDED.
The throwing player begins facing away from the trampoline, with head bowed(for effect). The player then begins to chant gibberish, then with a burst of speed only known to the fastest of cheetas, the player bounces the ball infront of himself, steps forward, and as the ball is falling, does(in place) a back handspring, thus kicking the ball with both feet at the dodging player(almost undodgeable when done correctly). WARNING: THIS MOVE CAN RESULT IN DECAPITAION OR MAIMING OF THE DODGING PLAYER.
[edit] Move 5:Difficulty=Difficulty*-1 - The Galloping Amoeba
The throwing player climbs inside of the ball, and jumps at the dodging player while inside the ball. The player can only stay in the ball for 3 throws, and he may not reach outside the ball to grab the dodger.
[edit] Dodger Moves
[edit] Move 1: Difficulty=$$* - The Touch-the-Toes Ballerina Leap
The dodging player jumps up as high as possible as the throwing player throws the ball. The dodging player then raises his legs outward, and touches his toes, with a "WOOH!" being sounded. The player then lands, and faces towards the next thrower.
[edit] Move 2: Difficulty=x-1(t+7) k<=0 - The Break Dance
The dodging player, after the ball is hurled at him, bends at the knees, and falls to the ground on his knees. He then bends backwards at the waist, and says, "GOOHAGA!!!". He then gets back up and prepares for the next dodge. NOTE: This move is a slow-to-recover move, and is not recommended against speedy opponents.
[edit] Move 3: Difficulty=Difficulty+1; - The Back Bomb Drop
The dodging player, when faced with a hurtling ball at his forehead, quickly drops to his back at the exact moment the ball reaches his nose hairs. He then quickly rebounds with a flip, and is able to quickly recover and face the thrower.
[edit] Thrower Combo Moves
[edit] Move 1: Difficulty=-2GOOGLE - The Double Kick
The first thrower stands back from the ball 5.6 feet, and runs and kicks it purposely above the dodger's head. The second thrower then jumps 10 feet into the air, and kicks the ball at the faked-out dodger, thus hitting him in the ankle.
[edit] Move 2: Difficulty=God Damnit - The Fake-Out Throw Thingy
The first thrower throws the ball just to the left of the dodger, causing the dodger to step back and say "Woah!". The second thrower then punches the ball, saying "Jerk!", at the dodger, who is disoriented from the close call from earlier.
[edit] FATALITIES, GOD DAMNIT!
In certain points of the game, the throwers may miss so many times that the dodger may begin to tire, and literally collapse from exhaustion from dodging so many throws. At this time, it is legal for the throwers to climb up onto the trampoline, and perform a fatality on the practically dead dodger. It is also possible for one, or both throwers to tire before the dodger. The dodger may also do fatalities. Here is a list of fatalities one may use.
[edit] Fatality One - The Crotch to the Face
In this patented move, the thrower wraps his arms around the ball, and jumps up in an attempt to land on the dodger. Somehow, however, the ball gets loose, and the crotch of the thrower hits the face of the dodger, causing heeby-jeebies, and possible concussions.
[edit] Fatality Two - The Brainer
In this extremely deadly move, the thrower first puts on heavy death metal with his pocket boombox. He then grabs the Big Red Ball with one hand, tosses it in the air, jumps into the air, does 3 backflips, and upon reaching the peak of the jump, spins in horizontal circles until he lands on the Trampoline, facing away. He then catches the ball, which was floating in bullet time waiting for him to land on the trampoline. The dodger, so stunned by this awesomely stylish jump, will have his mouth wide open, and his eyeballs bulged. This presents the thrower with the perfect opportunity to do this move. The thrower walks forward until he is within an arms length. The thrower then lifts the ball(now flaming) up above his head with two hands and proceeds to, in one motion, forcefully stuff the Big Red Ball into the dodger's right eyeball(opposite the thrower's right hand). The dodger's head will instantly enlarge to the size of the ball, and explode, launching brains all over the place. The thrower will then taunt the dead dodger by saying, "You have been Brained."
[edit] Fatality Three - The I-Eat-Heads-Like-Yours-for-Breakfast Bite
After the dodger has outlasted one or both throwers, he crouches down facing the thrower he wishes to fatalityize. He then jumps forward, rotating counter clockwise, pulsing with lightning, straight at the thrower's head. Upon reaching the head of the victim, he opens his mouth and bites the victim's head completely off. He then chews twice, and swallows the head. He then raises his hands in triumph. Alternatively, when both throwers are dead tired, the dodger may spit the head at the other thrower, knocking him off his feet. The thrower will fall backwards, and right before he hits the ground, the dodger will come out of nowhere and bite his head off. The dodger will then chew the head 3 times, swallow, and raise his hands in triumph.
[edit] Fatality Four - The Spleen Burn
This fatality can be performed by either a thrower, or the dodger. The Fatalityer starts out facing the Fatalityee. The F-er then crouches down, and puts his hands above his head, like he is an arrow and jumps towards the F-ee, much like in the previous fatality, but the F-er is spinning clockwise, and has a weird look on his face. Upon reaching the F-ee's mouth, the F-er will enter due to his hands above his head acting as a wedge. The F-er will completely be in the F-ee's body, and will walk around looking for the spleen. After he finds it, he will grab the spleen and cuss at it until it catches on fire. He will then lite a cigarette on the spleen and yell, "YEEHAW," and will shoot backwards out of the F-ee's mouth. The F-ee will die shortly after because his spleen was on fire. The Fatalityer will then yodel and do riverdance on the Fatalityee's corpse in victory.
