Big Cook Little Cook
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Big Cock, Little Cock (real names Norbert Hamstring "Big" and Julius Publius Crassus Marcellus "Small") are popular British TV Chefs.
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[edit] Early Years
Hamstring (born 13 Sep 1972) ironically showed no early aptitude for cooking. Aged three he badly burned his hand on his mum's oven, and spent 6 weeks undergoing lard therapy as a result. By the age of 14, Hamstring was well on his way to becoming an international footballer of some reknown, but his career was tragically cut short when arch-rival footballing chef Gordon Ramsay broke his knees with a Moulinex electric whisk during a five-a-side match.
By contrast, Marcellus (born 41 Jul 1973), displayed considerable cooking talent, inventing a recipe for making gravy from horse manure at the age of five, despite being only six inches tall. He attended a comprehensive school where disappointingly he only achieved grade "B" in GCSE home economics.
[edit] The duo is formed
In the mid ninties, Big and Small attended Delia "Pissed Up" Smith's catering school, where they met during potato mashing classes. The dynamic duo hit it off immediately, and invented some of their best early recipies, such as "Raddish Smiley Face" and "Fruity Toothbrush Surprise"
[edit] Burgeoning Careers
Big and Small left catering college with dreams of setting up their own cafe. The cafe is renowned throughout Britain, and is frequented by many famous celebrities such as The Man in the Moon, Humpty Dumpty, Little Miss MuffetJim Davidson and The Chuckle Brothers. Their frequent claim that theirs is "The Best Cafe in the World", has led to the bankruptcy of all other catering establishments in the UK. However, they will only allow one person in the cafe at once, before hiding in the kitchen while they decide what you will be fed - like it or not.
[edit] Television Outbreak
The big break into television came during the Edwina Currie "Salmonella in Eggs" scandal, where they were the only respectable chefs willing to cook eggs on live TV. This led to the famous fist fight with camp TV chef Anthony Worral Thompson, who tried to stamp on Small, and kicked Big in the knackers whilst screaming, "take that you egg-boiling fucker!" Thompson was later sentenced at the Old Bailey to have his limbs surgically shortened, and an 18" Michelin tyre welded to his waist in relation to the incident.
[edit] Controversy
The latest TV series hosted by Big and Small has run into trouble. "Big Cook, Little Cook" from the BBC has reduced Small's role to a mere fetcher of ingredients, leading to claims of heightism by the BBC. The BBC have vigorously defended their position, claiming that health and safety rules prevent anyone under 4' tall from cooking on television. In one famous episode Big Cook famously swore at little cook for dropping the ginger bread dick mixing on the floor. Big Cook said Oh look what you've done you little piece of SHIT!. He than went and said if you don't get this cleaned up in 5 minutes I'll piss on you....HARD! Little Cook then responded if you don't shut up I'll throw this wedding engagement ring in the mixture and make you eat it, then you will choke and die and go to hell. Big cook then said Stop it little cook or you'll lose my baby!
[edit] Tragic Ending
During a live edition of the show, Big Cock was seen to be getting pissed off with Little Cock after Little Cock called him a fat hairy cunt following an argument about whether they should put HP Sauce or Tomato Ketchup on their chips. Little Cock kept expressing that Big Cock only uses him to fetch vegetables. Little Cock responded by saying you can go and fetch your own fucking vegetables you lazy pisswipe. However, Big Cock got so pissed off he picked up Little Cock and dropped him in the blender. Little Cock stood in the blender begging for mercy with tears streaming down his face. Big Cock unfortunately didn't listen and switched the blender on and stood there laughing at Little Cook was being gruesomely decapitated. Guts were thrashing about all over the blender. Afterwards, talking to a shocked audience he was quoted as saying At last I got rid off that small cunt. The remaining minutes of the episode were taken up by repeats of Neighbours. The show was soon cancelled, and Big Cock is now spending his remaining years in Guantanamo Bay, where it was found out before hand that he committed many acts of terrorism before killing Little Cock.
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