Big Boss Man
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“He scared me straight!”
The Big Boss Man was a professional wrestler from Cobb County, Georgia. Previous to this, he was a corrections officer at a large jail in Cobb County'. This gave him extreme proficiency in the use of a nightstick (not to be confused with a night club). He often brought this weapon to the ring with him for his matches. The Big Boss Man was a very logical man. Unfortunately, it was this logic, that turned him into a cold, calculated killer.
The Big Boss Man was born Ray Traylor, on May the 2nd, 1962 in Marietta, Georgia. He was a strong, healthy (and exceptionally handsome) child, and this continued on into his school career. He excelled in many sports, including football, basketball, soccer and crochet. He showed a fine ability inside the school building also, subjects such as maths and science being his forte. His looks, too, seemed to mature from overtly cute to pleasing, and could be called almost handsome if seen in the moon light, in the back seat of a Camaro while making out. It also a little known fact that he reportedly sodomized an inmate by the name of Mike Nailz while he was a correctional officer at the Cobb County Jail. His shit stained nightstick still on display during all his matches to serve warning to other men: Fuck with Bossman and you WILL get a nightstick up your shit hole.
He was spotted playing high school football, by a talent scout from the local prison service. The scout saw Ray was athletic young cub, and discussed him with the local community. These reports confirmed that Ray was not only brain and brawn, but also had they manners and elecution of a true southern gentleman. The Boss Man required the money, to help his dear mother, and so sacrificed a college scholarship to begin working in at the Cobb County Jail.
The Big Boss Man looked after prisoners with care and respect, and noted that they treated him in a similar manner. This a far cry from his contemporaries, who believed that a nightstick was merely a device for battery. It was this show of mutual respect that he derived his motto from:
- "Treat people the way you would want to be treated yourself."
It worked. Everyone respected and revered the Boss Man. this motto fitted in with his very logical mindset (something which he received many good reports on since his school days) The Big Boss Man lead a happy and fulfilling life... until his mother's deteriorating health required that he earn more money. It was this that made him move into professional wrestling.
Early Wrestling Career
The Big Boss Man made his WWF debut in 1988. He carried with him his motto, and his correctional facilities nightstick, with him at all times.
Yes, he did beat people up, but only because they wanted to beat him up. This was a logical extension of his motto:
- "Treat people the way you would want to be treated yourself.
- Therefore, people must treat you the way they would want to be treated".
So people beat the Boss Man up, and he beat them up back. The knocks and bruises admittedly hurt, but the Boss Man was blissfully happy, as his world fit his very logical way of thinking. He was popular with men, children, and particularly women. He even had a catchphrase: "You'll be serving nothing but hard times".
The crowds pulled for him, and so the Boss Man would pull for the crowd. He came close to winning on many occasions. He loved his motto so much, that it was ingrained into his theme music. Then something happened.
Knee Injury, and Subsequent Madness
The Big Bossman fell victim to a knee injury. He was sidelined from active competition. The fans forgot about him. Boss Man loved his fans, but knew that:
- "Treat people the way you would want to be treated yourself.
- Therefore, people must treat you the way they would want to be treated.
- 'The fans have forgotten about me, therefore I must forget about the fans."
The Boss Man left the company, forgot about wrestling, just as it had forgotten about him. He fell in to a dark mood, desperation and bankruptcy. While at home, the Boss Man cursed his injured knee. It hurt him, so he decided that he must hurt it. He trained it, and it began as strong as an iron girder (but obviously one that can bend in the middle). He watched a lot of television. It entertained him, so he tried to entertain it. He didn't get much response, and he began to feel unfulfilled. He began to get more severely depressed, he thought:
- The world hates me, therefore I must hate the world
The Hard Times
The Boss Man gave his plan to scare seven shades out of the world the title "The Hard Times", because it had that delicious touch of irony, and he was a fan of Charles Dickens. The Hard Times officially began in 1993. His plan had seven areas of focus.
The Video Game Industry
The Boss Man knew he would scare millions of children, by appearing in video games. During the nineties, he beat up Mario, Luigi, Solid Snake, and many other video game characters. He put such a hurting on Sonic the Hedgehog, that by the time he had recovered, Sega had been forced to close.
The Catering Industry
The Boss Man traveled the World, clobbering every celebrity chef he could find. Ainsley Harriott, Jamie Oliver, and Gary Rhodes all felt the wrath of his nightstick. Martha Stewart tried to pay him off, but he clobbered her too. Gordon Ramsey felt Hard Times, and the Boss Man clobbered him once more for swearing.
The Music Industry
Boss Man inspired fear by killing James Brown, clobbering Bono and giving Robbie Williams a nipple twist. The rest of Take That were so badly injured that Robbie was forced to go solo. After recovering form their injuries, they resumed their uncompleted tour in 2006, regardless of Howard and Jason's horrendous facial scarring. He also gave Michael Jackson that back injury that prevented him form attending his trial.
At this point, the Boss Man realized that his standard, Cobb County prisoners uniform was associated with his previous life, when he lived and acted for the people. He changed into a black uniform, as black as his heart had become...
The Time Industry
The Boss Man knew the best way to disorientate people was to to take away their perception of time. He strived to clobber every timepiece he could get his hands on, not unlike Dustin Hoffman in Hook. He clobbered clocks, watches, swatches and even took to scaling London's Big Ben.
The Sex Industry
Although the Boss Man enjoyed sex (human killing machines are indeed, still human), he knew that this was pivotal in his domination of the world. He knew that sex provided endless joy (for men at least), which he must stamp out. He clobbered Jenna Jameson, served Hard Times to Ron Jeremy, and shoved his nightstick up Hugh Heffner's ass. He cut Jordan, and cut her bad. He made home-movies of his beatings of Paris Hilton, Pamela Anderson and Tonya Harding for the delicious irony, for which he was developing quite a taste.
The Movie Industry
The Boss Man went to Hollywood, to get his message on the big screen, to the world. His plan was simple, he would clobber some movie stars, and take their place, showing the world that the Boss Man was ever present. He sawed Cary Elwes legs off and maimed Dennis Hopper with a chainsaw - twice. He cut 8mm off each of Nicholas Cage's fingers, and tied Sandra Bullock up in a net. He also gave a pounding to Patrick Stewart, Luke Wilson, and Shirley McClaine. He tracked down Anthony Hopkins, and handcuffed him to a small goat. He hunted down Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez and banged their heads together real hard. He also danced a little jig on Charlie Chaplin's grave. He would then grab back his nightstick and hit Danny Devito over the head with it more than a million times turning him into a skeleton and hanging him over his wall like it was a piece of art. But he wasn't done yet, the Boss Man would than go up against the best of the best Bruce Willis and fight him in Russian Roulette. When it looked like the Boss Man was going to participate he tricked Bruce and grabbed him by the neck killing him with a full nelson rock bottom suplex.
The Boss Man's journey was almost at an end, he had the world at his feet, and its people tucked up in the palm of his hand. He had one target left, a special target, that he had been working for, training for, dreaming of. He was jacked, the leanest and meanest he had ever been. The time was perfect to do what he wanted to do. He was about to do what any homicidal maniac with a sudden access to vast amounts of power would do...
Return to the WWF
Well, perhaps it isn't something that every homicidal maniac with sudden access of power would do. But exacting revenge is...
The WWF was the seventh, and the biggest target of the Hard Times, and the time was right for the Boss Man to injure the Wrestling Industry, just as it had injured him. Going undercover, he joined Vince McMahon's evil Corporation. They would never suspect...
The Big Boss Man made quick progress in the WWF, winning various titles along the way. He was more successful than he had ever been in the business. He was almost happy again...
- If wrestling makes me happy, maybe I should make wrestling... FUCK THAT...
- They'll be serving some Hard Times, boy!'
His logical side thrown completely out of the window, the Boss Man went on a hell blazing path of destruction, showing wrestlers the same merciless aggression that he had shown the world. He cooked Al Snow's dog and fed it to him. He broke Steve Blackman's ankle (a very impressive feat, as Steve Blackman's only known equals are Bruce Lee, Chuck Norris and the magic bearded guy. He showed Hard Times to anyone that stood in his way...
He was nearly there, close to the top. All he had left to do was take down the champion, and he had won. The six, long hard years of crushing the world would finally be worth it. Finally...
The World Title
Boss Man knew he had to be more ruthless than he had ever been before. This wasn't about some pansy strap of gold. It was personal. It was all he had left to show the business and the planet they had wronged him. That he deserved to be top of the world.
The Big Show
Although the Boss Man knew the Big Show had a considerable weight and height advantage on him, this would only further prove his superiority. It did mean however, that he would have to reach to the very depths of his icy dark soul to bring the big man down.
The Boss Man hired an actor to tell the Big Show his critically ill father had died. This infuriated the beast, but that beast was no match for the Boss Man. When the Champ's father died, the Boss Man showed up to his funeral and stole the corpse. The Boss Man then went so far as to prove to the World that the Big Show was a bastard child on live television...
Hard work, but he was nearly there. He was ready for the title, and ready to laugh at the world, and everyone in it...
Armageddon, 1999 - The World Title Match
The less said about this the better really...
Boss Man definitely got the moral victory, OK?!
After the Boss Man got the moral victory against the WWF (even invoking a lawsuit from a spurious charity to have the name changed to WWE), continues to dominate the world through fear, even in death.
Prison Guard. What do you expect?