Big Bird
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| Serinus maximus Linnaeus, 1758 |
“Big Bird loves Pokemon and Bamboos.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Big Bird
“Man, that's one big bird, that's all I'm saying”
~ Tiny Elvis on Big Bird
“Hey, that was my line!”
~ Captain Obvious on Tiny Elvis's quote about Big Bird
Big Turd (Johndavios Barileos) (October 22, 1965 - October 30, 2006) was a large sentient "Bonjing Bird," a rapacious species of carnivorous bird that supposedly died out in the Ice Age. Big Bird's species survived, and became more intelligent, learning about numbers, letters, and counting, and of course their god, abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz. Amazingly, this big bird is so good in playing Pokemon and also known as the "Vergil". This bird is also in love with a alien bamboo stalk.
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[edit] Early Life
Big Bird (born Johndavios Roberto carlos Barielos) was born to Martha Bird, a former secretary and stay at home mom, and John Bird, a bank teller on April 26, 1949. Big Bird has 2 older siblings: Jack and Anna. Big Bird's early childhood was the perfect 1950's family setting. The mom stayed home, teaching the kids Biblical discipline and morals, while the dad went off to his 9-5 job at the bank. Everything was perfect. Until one day at school in 1957, Big Bird had a substitute teacher. She seemed fine until she started teaching the benefits of Communism. This inspired Big Bird who later went home and told his parents about the benefits of Communism. Horrified at their son's embracement of Anti-American politics, they kicked him out of the house and disowned him.
Now on his own, Big Bird traveled the Universe. In February 1958, he settled in a town called Cyanide Falls. He worked here as a janitor at a Burger King. He remained homeless until April 5, 1959 when a vampire house for girls took him in. Because he was so soft, the girls here used him as their sex toy instead of vampire food.
He remained at that house until 1968 when he moved to a red light district in New York called Sesame Street.
[edit] A Life in Review
Big turd aka big bird is known for his voluminous interpretations of Neo-bonjingism. His teachings are communism embraced by the Sesameist faction of Neo-Confusionism, but rejected outright by the traditionalist Poppyists. His writings are zealously preserved in a repository run by a small community of Avian monks in the T'aejosa (태조사; 太鳥寺) temple, located at 123 1/2 Sesame Street, New York.
In 1983, Big Bird went to China to produce a documentary called Big Bird in China, which unfortuantely for many Chinese resulted in an outbreak of Bird flu. Customs was a bit unreliable back in those days.
Big Bird was known to be a gangbanger before he joined Seaseme Streets. He waged street battles with the Muppets and was responsible for the assasination attempts on Vladmir Putin and succesfully shot Dora the Explorer point blank. He was also run over by the Cody petts edition Elmo.
[edit] The End of Big Bird's Life and Career
Big Bird committed suicide in the early hours of the morning on October 30, 2006, after receiving tons of hate mail for the aforementioned bird flu incident. At the time he was in Tokyo, finishing the filming of the follow-up documentary Big Bird in Japan. The final few scenes had to be shot with a double; B.J. from the hit television show "Barney and Friends" was hired at the last moment (later there was some controversy due to his drug usage and frequenting of prostitutes.)
It has been suggested that the Chinese government had a hand in his death, though the police ruled it a suicide. Jon Stewart was apprehended for questioning, due to some minor evidence and his mysterious involvements in a conspiracy plot including Smoochy, but released soon after. In 2009, a duo of detectives called "Karate Duo No.1" had solved the mystery of Big Bird's death, suggesting that the hate letters were concocted by none other than the Koopalings, who had forged the hate letters and sent them to Big Bird, just so they could take over Sesame Street and encourage children watching Sesame Street to follow the Koopalings' ways. BJ was hired by the Koopalings to poison the children's minds with evil myths about how the religion of Koopa is good and the Koopalings were arrested by the Chinese government for conspiracy and first-degree murder.
"We were shocked that the Koopalings would do this," says Spongebob in a recent interview about his lover Big Bird's death. "I just hope the Koopalings don't live to take over the world and kill everyone."
These were just proven as myths, as we all know that the Cody Petts edition Elmo killed Big Bird and staged it to look like a suicide, and is now on the Lam in Fucking Austrailia.
[edit] Other
The Big Bird estate, managed by multimillionaire canary and cat-neutering enthusiast Tweety T. Bird, legally owns the numbers 1, 3, and 8, and the letter U, and the estate is fighting a legal battle with Elmo to own the number 2.
--Big Bird grauduated top of his class at Harvard Law --Big Bird was seen on several dates with Jennifer Lopez together with Jennifer Love Hewitt --Big Bird contributes to many charities world wide, for example the "Save the Number 2 Trust Fund" --Big Bird is 6ft 8inches tall --His favorite book is "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie", or "Master Apprentice" by Donald Trump --Big Bird loves to steal pre-pubescent girls wearing a bear suit, taking the form of a famous "4Chan" character "Pedo-Bear", short for Pedophile-Bear. --Big Bird raped Elmo and Groucho. --Big Bird was also a very proud member of the "Flaming Homosexuals Group."
[edit] Big Bird comes out of closet
After many threatening letters from AAA, Big Bird announced on December 13, 2003, that he, like Lance Bass and that other guy, is gay. It turns out that Snuffleupagus was actually a cocaine induced fantasy about his old school janitor, Hubert Humperdink. He was immediately tazed after the press conference.Some people also said that he Has happy time when someone recites the alphabet backwards and has many orgies when kids come up to him and say can i have a hugg.
[edit] See Also
