Bicycle
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“In soviet russia, bike rides you!”
~ Joey Stalin on Crack
“These fantastic images...”
~ Doc Albert Hofmann on Bicycle Day
“I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike. I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride it where I like!”
~ Freddie Mercury on bicycles
“I've got a bike, you can ride it if you like it's got a basket, a bell that rings and things to make it look good.”
~ Pink Floyd on Piper at the Gates of Dawn
“This is friggin' retarded!”
~ Napoleon Dynamite on this article
~ Oscar Wilde on Bicycles
“Hey! Stop stealing my bike, you bastard!!”
~ Misty
“I can ride my bike with no handle bars, no handle bars”
~ Flobots on bikes
A bicycle or bike is a form of two-wheeled transportation (one in front of the other) used by Mexicans and these popular three major population subgroups: city dwellers, old people in villages, and those who have not yet become so obese from travelling everywhere by car that they are still capable of moving by their own power. (You know you need to loose some weight when your fat gets caught in the chain...) In many European countries, bicycles are particularly common at railway stations and in canals.
It also is the main form of transportation of Enviromentalists who want to save the world from global warming, and others who don't have driver's licenses. It is also often used as an excuse to wear spandex.
See Also: DWI
Contents |
[edit] History
The bicycle was claimed to be invented by a Mr Desmond Bicycle, famous liar, which is where it got its name from. However the modern two-wheeled thingummy that we recognise as a bicycle today was originally conceived in 1492 by the famous pirate Christopher Columbus. The so-called "Portuguese Man o' War" was however inefficient due to its oversize topsails and inability to tack into the wind. This was defeated at the Battle of Waterloo Station in 1525 by the infamous pirate Sir Walter Raleigh, inventor of the modern English bicycle.
Since those early days, various forms of the bicycle emerged or evolved. Significant designs include -
- The tandem: this made it possible for young men who did not have motor vehicles (because they had been invented) to take out their young ladies for a pleasant ride together in the countryside, hopefully with a view to engaging in sexual union but at the very least to share sandwiches and saliva.
- The penny-farthing: this immensely high bicycle was a prototype of the 'Henderson's Ladder Cycle' which was devised to assist in the painting of house exteriors. It was later found to be useful for hunting tigers in India.
- The ball-crusher: primitive bicycle designs had benefitted neither from the invention of the bicycle seat (or 'saddle' - see below) nor of rubber tyres. Thus early cyclists were forced to sit upon a narrow iron bar, and endure riding over cobbled roads with iron or hard-wood wheels. The effect of this may have been stimulating in some cases to young ladies, but most young gentlemen were frequently forced to dismount, or else to consider a career as a counter-tenor or possibly a "castrato" in the opera.
- The unicycle: This is the abomination of the cycle stable, as it used by clowns, and is not spoken of in polite company.
- La bicyclette: a French invention, this is a very small bicycle for gnomes.
- The tricycle: also a French invention, the tricycle was made because French riders had experienced "une petite difficulté" with balancing on two wheels. The tricycle has become popular in France for a "menage a trois". In England, the tricycle was miniaturised for the benefit of children (or a menage a trois of gnomes), but "trainer wheels" have become more acceptable for polite company among children.
- The quadricycle: claimed a French invention, the 4-wheeled cycle was a design stolen by the French, based on the English Bath Chair. The quadricycle was quickly realised to be so cumbersome and heavy that it became necessary to power it by an engine, and so the first automotive quadricycle was invented, by Sir Edmund Carr. The French again stole this concept and renamed the now-familiar carr as the unpronounceable vehicle (German: Vierrädernundeinerhupe)... but that is another story.
- The menstrual cycle: It is better to avoid riding this altogether. Even with protective gear, results can be pretty gruesome.
Note: A Bicycle is not to be confused with a heterocycle nor a homocycle.
[edit] First example of the Biwheelular Contraption of Velocitation
The original prototype was made out of Nepstad's famous hair and was originally called the Biwheelular Contraption of Velocitation. This name was dropped after a copyright dispute with a shopping trolley called Dave turned into bloody fight to the death.
[edit] Key developments in the history of the bicycle
[edit] The Anti-Haemorrhoidal Furnishment
Commonly known as The Saddle, many take the existence of the Anti-Haemorrhoidal Furnishment for granted. Before today's super sophisticated bicycles with this complex feature were developed, the bicycle had to assume the shape of some very strange forms. The tree bike was one such model. This unfortunately led to a record incidence of haemorrhoids amongst the ferrets that used them. The Anti-Haemorrhoidal Furnishment was invented by a ferret called Cornelius from Siberia and he won the coveted Nobel Peace Prize for Advances in the Field of Breaking Traffic Regulations that had yet to Exist in 1598.
The invention of the bicycle seat brought its own peculiar difficulties. Foremost among these was the scandal that ensued from the sight of young ladies sitting astride bicycles. At that time, young women were permitted to 'ride' horses only by adopting a side-saddle position. This was of course impractical for bicycle riding because of the necessity of pedalling with both feet, although an early attempt to produce a bicycle suitable for women riding side-saddle was the infamous "Garrod's uni-pedal device", which was rejected by women but later taken up by one-legged pirates.
Other early Victorian attempts to facilitate the mounting of bicycle saddles by pubescent females included clitorectomy, and/or the wearing of sufficiently 'protective' undergarments. Panties constructed of 4-inch-thick hardwood with coconut fibre padding were popular, and the mediaeval iron chastity belt experienced a brief revival.
Eventually, in the late Victorian era, a suitable "ladies' bicycle seat" evolved and was generally accepted - this had a broad saddle, with "no pointy-bits" at the front which might "accidentally stimulate the naughty parts". In the late 20th century, this was abandoned by the liberated woman, who enthusiastically mounted the narrow-and-especially-pointy bicycle seat that is universally popular today. the exception is mature gentlemen with haemorrhoids, who have strangely re-adopted the "ladies bicycle seat").
The invention of the "ladies bicycle seat" also was quickly followed by the appearance of a new type of gentleman (of indeterminate age), known as the bicycle seat sniffer - see Sex and The Bicycle Shed below.
[edit] Rotating Circular Moveableness Facilitational Thingy
The other key stage in the bicycle's development came in France when the first Tour de France took place in 1743. This was before the Rotating Circular Moveableness Facilitational Thingy had been invented there. Instead the bicycles in this backward country had super-efficient square tyres. A competitor from The Dark Side of the Moon used hedgehogs instead of the square wheels and won by a country mile, confusing the French Luddites that were stuck in their ways. He was instantly executed for showing too much common sense.
Some retro squaredness enthusiastics can still be seen riding around Paris and other French metropoles trying to look so retarded that they qualify for a grant from the government to have their skulls crushed at the local onion factory.
[edit] Special Features
Bicycles are very distinctive vehicles. They sing like (ahem) "female" East German swimmers, float like the faeces of people with fibre-rich diets and sting like a paraplegic ladybird.
Ninjae are known as not able to ride bicycles. This is one of their only weaknesses.
[edit] Power
Bicycles are normally powered by the Grace of God™ or by power generated by attaching your bike with a rope to another bike with someone pedalling furiously. By option, bicycle power can also be provided by a free sophisticated human muscle system, and/or a cheap means of car engine imitation, which can be purchased somewhere in Europe for -40 Euros. (Huh? You get paid for using extra bike power??!)
[edit] Bike Warfare
In the late medieval period the bicycle was adopted by King Ragbrai of Iowa, the device was used in Iowa's first war against Japan. The next use of the so called "warbike" was at the beginning of WWII. When the Germans invited the dutch to come over for some ice-tea.
The warbike consists of the following components
Sadly the recoil caused by firing the bazooka was too much for the bikedriverman to handle and as a result one single shot would be fatal, in some cases leaving him blind and addicted to late night public AM radio programmes.
[edit] Uses
Apart from riding bikes there are many other ways to use a bike, such as :
- Bike crashing-where the rider purposly or accidently crashes the bike in to something silly
- Bike breeding-where the owner get 2 bikes and allows them to mate, usually making a smaller bike for use by a child, or sometimes deformities can occur where you may even get a tricycle
- Bike mating- pretty self-explainitory, but if your retarted, where the rider, yes well, dont worry.
- practical jokes- many things that may or may not cause injury, although injurys are fun, these can include loosening all the bolts/screws so when the rider jumps on the bike colapses. or even super glue on the handle bars or on the seat so they get stuck.
[edit] Steering
The direction of a bicycle is governed by a steering committee that meet every ten fortnights in an old cow near Slough and only when there is a free lunch. If not, beware of bicycles running into metallic trees.
[edit] Accessories
Cyclists often accessorise their bicycles with earrings, hairbands, thongs, bondage gear, dead lightbulbs, kittens, hookers, radioless antennae, and the whole of global's warming power, (nuclear reactors) amongst other snazzy items that will be sure to impress friends, families and envious neighbours.
[edit] Sex and The Bicycle Shed
With the invention of the bicycle, owners were soon faced with the problem of where to park the bike. Early parking places for a bicycle included: leaning it up against a cow; the top of a tree; under a haystack; in the pig-sty. None of these was particularly suitable, as each had its disadvantages. It was, however, from the pig-sty that the "bicycle shed" was inspired.
Bicycle sheds spread as quickly as bicycles, and were most frequently erected at the edges of village greens and in school-yards. The typical bicycle shed, perhaps deriving its aura from the unique and sado-masochistic nature of cycling itself and the peculiarities of cyclists, soon developed a unique atmosphere, sometimes described as "smelling of sick", "stinks of cigarette butts", "has a bouquet of vintage urine", or more simply "smutty".
School students quickly discovered that "behind the bicycle shed" was the perfect place for a forbidden cigarette or for other assignations such as a "punch-up", while university scholars found it eminently suitable for a "quickie" with either sex, or, preferably, both at the same time. English village bicycle sheds were adopted by drunkards as a modern equivalent of the Ancient Roman room known as the "vomitorium", whilst French bicycle sheds were referred to as "les pissoirs".
In retrospect, many fine adults of today owe their origins to the humble bicycle shed, as the place of their conception. The bicycle shed also became the haunt of the "bicycle seat sniffer" - invariably male - who spent many happy hours dragging their nostrils over the saddles of young ladies' bicycles in search of a rewarding "frisson" of tuna-fish.
Sadly, the bicycle shed is today a rare sight - it has been replaced almost universally by the "bicycle rack". This is a modern torture device, adapted from its mediaeval predecessor, which is used to tear the front wheels from bicycles, or at least to bend them into an angle that renders them unsuitable for conveyance of sober riders (a drunken cyclist however will often ride his/her bicycle home without realising its front wheel is still tethered to the cycle rack next to the pub).
[edit] Super Highway-code Immunity Technology
Super Highway-code Immunity Technology (often referred to by the public as "da S.H.I.T") is the major selling point of the bicycle. It has captured a particularly large market with city dwellers who take advantage of the state-of-the-art special permission to ignore all traffic signals and road signs. Cyclists are allowed to go down one-way streets the wrong way, drink alcoholic beverages whilst cycling, breeze through red lights, wonder if the sound coming out of your personal stereo is coming from Austria or Antarctica, play dangerwank with a wallaby, rape the fearsome Argentinian woodlouse and ignore all other tiresome traffic regulations with impunity.
[edit] Courteous behaviour of other road users extended to cyclists
While in a bike lane, cyclists have been observed frequently crashing right into opening car doors; due to morons in cars who open them without checking to see if their pet llama had an incestuous affair with the cyclist's exhaust pipe.
However, unlike the users of motor vehicles, cyclists are not granted the God-given right to exceeded the legal speed limit. Thus they are much less lethal than motor vehiclists, which remain one of God's favoured way of freeing the souls of the earthbound when he wants a few new sunbeams.
It is a legal requirement for a clone of Arsène Wenger to drive HGVs. This is so that when there is an accident, there can be a clip on the local news of a lorry driver saying, "I did not see zis littal sheetee cycliste come from nowhere. He fucking deserved it anyway."
[edit] Storage Facilities
The village dwellers do not make much use of the highly sought-after S.H.I.T. but are far more interested in the woven basket which can be used to carry small dogs, potatoes, the Isle of Wight and crack cocaine.
It should be noted though that small dogs can easily be bounced out and end up under the wheels or in the left lung of a Hungarian. Experienced senior citizens super-glue Velcro to their pet's posterior and the bottom of the basket to help avoid this unpleasant event. However, welding has recently become the method of choice for kangaroos who want to make sure their dogs do not fall out of their basket.
[edit] Bicycle Licence
Before a bike owner can ride the bicycle by him/herself, they must be accompanied at all times by an older and more experienced rider and wear an L-helmet at all times. The role of the instructor (or "dirty old man" as they are commonly known) is to stand on the rear axle of the bike, in the croggy position, with his arms firmly wrapped around the learner, while teaching him/her how to take full advantage of the S.H.I.T technology (see above), ride with no hands, removal of lights which can reduce aerodynamics and other useful skills. On the day of the test, the learner must accommodate both their instructor and an examiner. Usually as there is limited room on the back, one will mount the front axle instead. If the examiner believes you pose a sufficient danger to other road users and you have not committed any major errors, then you will pass. This is followed by a ceremonial crushing of the L-helmet. After this point it is illegal to wear a helmet as you may be confused with someone who is competent. You will then be rewarded with your licence from the Bicycle And Scooter Training Authorised Reward Department (B.A.S.T.A.R.D)
[edit] Do's and Don't of the Bicycle Test
- DO fall off at regular intervals
- DO demonstrate your ability to cycle with your eyes closed
- DO weave through stationary traffic to save time
- DO play danger wank at some point during the test. Extra points if you ejaculate in the instructor's eye
- DO hit at least one dog/cat/OAP/small child
- DO shift into the highest gear possible in order to acquire a speed of 79 mph while your leg-engines are running at 700RPM - mentioned below
- DO ride onto the interstate to get to destinations faster
- DO ride through red lights because stop-lights are for CARS not bikes.
- DO reckless stunts and tricks in construction zones.
- DO whatever tricks you want no matter how stupid and ridiculously dangerous they are. (EX. Race onto tall buildings and off again. Trust me you will be cool or dead but mostly cool.)
- DON'T signal your intentions to other road users; this encourages them to think for themselves and will result in a fail
- DON'T wear reflective jackets, especially at night - these can dazzle other road users and cause them to crash
- DON'T change gears - impress the examiner with the speed at which your engine legs can go. (Aim for 700RPM at the least.)
- DON'T touch the handle bars with your hands, in some countries this is a taboo and results in social exclusion.
- DO wear your seatbelt, regardless of whether or not there is one.
- DON'T drink and ride. It can kill. JUST LIKE THAT. OR ThAt.
- And finally, NEVER EVER ring your bell. This will be an instant fail - it causes other drivers to check their mobile phones.
- To fall off a bicycle when stopping at traffic lights is known as 'to do a Dave'
Good luck!
[edit] Maintenance
Bicycles are unique in that they maintain themselves. Sometimes you may need to hug them, get them a drink at the pub or share your XXX rated lesbian porn with them on the home network, but otherwise they are normally able to hold down a job at a brothel (see village bicycle) or at a call centre near Chesterfield.
[edit] Cost
Prices range from around £30 for a stolen one through to £5.6m for the Aston Martin LePushBike DB3.2 in racing green. If you are a bison with hepatitis J, you might be able to get a metrosexual's discount of 19 Turkish Lira if you can prove your pancreas has had sexual relations with a sewing machine in the past 12 minutes. Recently only video footage posted on YouTube has been accepted as proof.
[edit] Theft
A bicycle lock can be used to increase neighbourhood sales of paper clips. In places where no paper clips can be found, your bike may be stolen by a bicycle rack, though sometimes the rack only gets one of the wheels. British professional smarmy lying shit David Cameron can run as fast as a bicycle, and will push you off while you exclaim "David Cameron stole my bike you pious smarmy cunt!", all as part of his campaign to "Try to appear down with the boys in the 'hood, ayyeee."
Although you might be vexed as fuck by his actions, you will soon appreciate that "Dave" is just being one of the great unwashed, and wants to be just as big an anti-social petty thief as you and I.
[edit] Cycling punishable by death
In the English town High Wycombe cycling is punishable by death. As well as running petrol stations out of business and helping prevent global warming and the associated rising sea levels that would wipe out superior towns on lower ground, cyclists have been dying on the almost vertical hill climbs that abound the shit-hole.
The smell from the rotting corpses has got so bad that local residents and other wannabe bike slaughtering vigilantes can win a cheese-flavoured Tamagotchi or a years subscription to the periodical XXX Hardcore Railway Signage Monthly if they cull these vile environmentally-friendly blotches on society.
[edit] Syd Barrett's Bike
Syd Barrett's got a bike. You can ride it if you like. It's got a basket, a bell that rings, and things that make it look good. He'd give it to you if he could, but he's dead. See also: Syd Barrett's Cloak, Syd Barrett's Mouse, Syd Barrett's Clan of Gingerbread Men, Syd Barrett's Room full of Musical Tunes and Syd Barrett's collection of disgusting amateur porn that got deleted from XTube because it wasn't indecent enough.
[edit] Uses
Bikes can be used for many things.
Bikes are also used as hats, pets, toothbrushes, bikes, kidney dialysis machines and roller coasters. It is common for bikes to be used as sex toys by arrogant flamers in the state of North Carolina.
[edit] Reproduction
The reproductive system of a bicycle is so rare that it has only been recorded twice. Firstly, by Sir Mark Terry The 13 In 1753, as he walked under a train bridge he caught a brief glimpse of 2 Bicycles mating. And secondly by Mrs. Helen at the battle of Bikel Wheat.
Mating Process
Bicycles are the hardest animal in the world to sex. Because to the human eye every bicycle is the same. But, it was discovered by a John Dakin that the density of oil that passes through the frame of the male bicycle is more dense that that of the female bicycle. The actual mating stage is very clever. The male bicycle slowly moves up next to the female and exchanges air from his tyres into the females tyres. How to check if one of your bicycles has mated recently: Check the flatness of the tyres on all your bicycles. If one tyre or more is slightly deflated it means that the bicycle has mated in the last 5 Days.
Giving Birth
The bicycle has the longest pregnancy in the world. After 5-6 weeks after the female bicycle starts to build up with a metallic looking substance, which we know as "RUST" after 5 Years the rust will start to take the shape of a small bicycle, in another 5 years the baby bicycle will be able to move. And in another 10 will be able to reproduce. Greatest Biker Ever Skyler Tidd!!!!!!!!!!
Breeding
Only the US government knows how to harness the power of bicycles. It is not known when the first bicycles where bred, but some specimens date back to the late ice age. The US government has granted permission to a few classified bike dealers. Some info has leaked through suggesting that cyclopedia may have the correct equipment to breed them.
[edit] Cyclesurgery
This is the process of allowing people with the intellect of a Denebian slime worm to use heavy agricultural equipment to butcher expensive machinery, the unfortunate patient has of course to bear the cost of the mutilation.
