Bible Collector's Edition
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Celebrating the 2000th anniversary of its first publication, “The Bible” is now available in a special collector edition with previously unreleased content and a lot of bonuses.
About the book
Like the Kama Sutra, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition and the London Underground Map, “The Bible” is one of the rare books that have crossed the generations finding each time new readers. Numerous analyses made by famous sociologists, literature critics and even philosophers all join on the same conclusion to explain this phenomenal success: they don’t have a clue why is that so.
All we can say is that the success of the Bible might come from the fact that it is impossible to link the stories within to anything true or even plausible, both in terms of history and geography. All events take place in an imaginary country at some undefined period, as if the author, God, would have created a whole new world out of the blue. Like most heroic fantasy sagas, the Bible includes tons of weird characters, with superpowers, strange curses and stupid names. With this unique work, God has inspired several famous authors: we could think of J.R.R. Tolkien or J.K. Rowling of course, but also Stan Lee (creator of Spider-Man), Jerry Siegel (creator of Superman) or even Muhammad (creator of Musulman).
Two books formed the Bible. The first one, usually called “Old Testament” tells numerous stories with different heroes. All these heroes share a few similarities: they are males, they live very old (almost 1.000 years for Noah or Methuselah for example), they have a huge number of descendants (well, I guess they were so bored living that long they spent time making children) and a very bad fashion taste. Women are also present in “Old Testament” but they only appear in the plots as the traitors. Eve betrays Adam, Sarah betrays Abraham, Delilah betrays Samson, Zipporah betrays Moses and so on...
By the end of “Old Testament”, it is not really clear where God wanted the story to go. Even nowadays, a lot of people reading the first volume of the Bible try to understand if there is a meaning underlying these stories. Apparently – but we don’t have any rational explanation for that observation – most Jewish people haven’t even read the second book of the Bible.
The second book is in a logical manner called “New Testament”. Nothing surprising here, it starts with the story of a wife betraying her husband. We learn in the first pages of “New Testament”’ that a woman called Mary had an affair with an unknown dude while she was married to Joseph (the author preferred not to divulge the family names of the characters but we are not sure if it is to avoid trial of just because of his lack of imagination). Unfortunately, a child is born from this illegitimate intercourse, Jesus. While “Old Testament” tells stories on a period of about 6.000 years with hundreds of characters, “New Testament” focuses only on Jesus, representing a period of 33 years plus days. God certainly took into consideration all the critiques about the first book regarding the longevity of the characters and he decided to make the hero of “New Testament” more human. Well, at least at first. As Jesus was growing, he started developing some superpowers of his own.
Once again, a lot of people criticized the way God built the plots of “New Testament”. Basically, it’s always the same story: Jesus is in a bad situation, so he creates or discovers a new superpower to find a solution. Fishermen need fish? Jesus makes fish appear out of nowhere. A couple needs more alcohol for a wedding party? Jesus changes water into wine. Lazarus dies? Jesus resurrects him. Mary Magdalene wants to fuck? Jesus invents the Eucharist ceremony and claims “this is my body which is for you”.
At the end of the book and after some weird adventures with no less than 12 sidekicks, Jesus dies. In an ultimate cliffhanger, he comes back to life and after finishing some business, he flies into the sky without any further explanation. That was a huge disappointment for readers. Worse, God always claimed that there will be no sequel for “New Testament”. God said precisely in a letter sent to his editor: “The promise that Jesus will come back one day is purely illusory. The stories I wrote must be taken as they are, no more, no less, and I forbid anyone to try to imagine new adventures for Jesus or his sidekicks. Anyone who would try would have to face My wrath”.
Not that we want to put the words of God in doubt, but even if there will certainly never be a “New Testament II” or “Even More New Testament”, we had the chance recently to find unreleased archives of God’s work. Among them, we discovered some episodes that were not included in the final version of the Bible and, even more interesting, alternate scenarios of several famous scenes. So for the first time now you will have the chance to discover all these bonuses assembled in a collector's edition of the Bible. Here are some extracts of what you will find.
The deleted scenes we publish here are exactly as God wrote them so you have to excuse some imperfections in the style or grammar.
Note: all the footnotes in each scene are from the hand of God himself.
Scene I: Adam and Eve’s children
- Sum up
Having just been banished from Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve found themselves in a strange new world with their three sons: Cain, Abel and Seth. Weirdly, God ends the story here and starts a new one about Noah. A lot of readers wondered: “how come the story continues as Adam and Eve only had three boys? Who made child to whom???” That was a legitimate question and we found the answer in the first deleted scene.
Scene II: Noah and the flood
- Sum up
After several arguments with men, God decided that enough was enough and promised to drown mankind with 40 days of rain, provoking a huge flood. At this point, we can establish that God was the first and only efficient weatherman. In one of his rare lapses of lucidity, God realized that if he kills all life on Earth, his story would end there. So, in “Old Testament”, God had the simple idea to spare a family and a male and female of every animal species, building a huge ark. A project that might seem easy on paper but in fact that was hard to implement:
Scene III: Moses and the Plagues of Egypt
- Sum up
Enslaved by Pharaoh Ramses, Israelite people asked Moses to find out a solution to free them and find their way to the Promise Land (which at this time was not the Cayman Islands but Israel). Moses went to see Pharaoh but Pharaoh was stubborn and refused to accommodate. So Moses warned Pharaoh that, with the help of God wrath once again, he would provoke huge cataclysms on Egypt until Ramses accept to free the Israelites. The original introduction to that funny story has never been published before. Here it is:
Scene IV: Father's day
- Sum up
Overall, the Bible is pretty boring, with long and meaningless stories, few suspense and almost no twists. There is an exception though, but it has never been published in its original form, God knows why (maybe)... The scene takes place in “New Testament”, at the point when Jesus is about to meet God himself. Even the people who haven’t read the book know the drama and tension embedded in this scene that was written in a pretty different way in the first draft of the Bible:
Goofs and bloopers
Beyond the deleted scenes, the archives we found in God’s attic where full of small pieces of works that can be considered as God’s failures and mistakes. There were plenty of them, here are some examples.
God challenged Abraham to sacrifice his own son to prove his faith. Abraham didn’t hesitate at all and once he was asked by God, took his oldest son Jacob and stabbed him in the heart. Jacob died immediately. Then God spoke:
God: What have you done? Are you nuts? Someone ask you to kill your son and boom, you stab him? I thought you might hesitate maybe a few seconds, trying to negotiate with Me the sacrifice of a lamb or your wife instead! If was a test of faith! A test, you get it? In the name of Me! Ok so let’s do it again but this time you give me enough time to grab your hand before you stab your other son. Isaac! Come here, your daddy wants to talk to you!
Archangel Gabriel said Mary: “You shall give birth to the Son of God but you shall be a Virgin and you will be honored and praised for your Immaculate Conception and blessed among all saints. You shall be the Mother of our Lord and our Mother. Your Virginity will be our Sanctuary.” And Mary replied: “Ok but is anal sex allowed?”
Walk of life
And then Jesus talked to the infirm in His words of wisdom: “stand up and walk!” And the infirm replies: “And you think it’s funny?”
Crucified to free the men from their sins, Jesus felt it was itching under His arm and understood what real pain means.
10 + 10
In front of the people of Israel, Moses brandished the Tablets of Stone that God gave him on Mount Sinai. And then he spoke to his people. “Here are the Tablets of Stone on which are engraved the Ten Plagues of Egypt... Hem. Fuck! I meant, the Ten Commandments. Sorry, my mistake.”
Here is all we can say about this Collector Edition of the Bible. Remember that these are only samples from the original product. If you buy the book or illegally download the PDF, you will have a lot more material to discover and share with your community, for example in church.