“It's pretty damn watchable.”
“Ohm namah Narayana”
The Bhagavad Gita (Hindi: कृष्णमन्अस्त) is an epic eight-part miniseries on AMC, created and produced by Indian mystic, His Divine Grace Vince Bhaktivedanta "Swami" Gilligan. Shot on location in India, it follows a young warrior, Arjuna, on the verge of battle, and his dialogue with Krishna over the nature of the Universe and everything in it. It has spawned a spin-off series, Better Call Sanjaya, and a blockbuster film, as well as numerous novelisations and a successful line of women's lingerie. It stars Ray Liotta as Arjuna, Kevin Bacon as Krishna, Shia LaBeouf as Sanjaya, the comic relief of the show, and Giovanni Ribisi as Dritarashtra, King of India. A Norwegian version is due to air in 2015, depending on whether the producers are bothered. The first novelisation, Meet Krishna, was Mahatma Gandhi's favourite book, but he failed to return it to the library one day, prompting a librarian to assassinate him.
Episode One: Sanjaya And His Magical Hair-Grease-yoga (स्तोमचितिआचेष्ट्मर्कट-योग) Edit
“I offer my respectful obeisances to the entire universe and their lotus feet, but not to that guy over there. He sucks.”
Dritarashtra, being the buffoon he is, cannot see, so he needs someone to describe everything to him. He hires Sanjaya and his magical hair-grease to do the job, further proving that he is a buffoon. Anyway, he asks Sanjaya to tell him about everything that's happened, leading Sanjaya to recount the entire show for the benefit of the audience. So the show is actually just one long flashback.
Dritarashtra had (has? I don't know.) a son, and he wants to keep his kingdom safe so his son can inherit it. But Dritarashtra didn't actually inherit the kingdom, he just stole it after a beer pong match with its original owners, the Pandas. Arjuna is a Panda, and he discovers that his family plans to launch a nuclear war with Dritarashtra if he doesn't give the kingdom back. Instead, Arjuna proposes a game of poker, and because they're dicks, the other Pandas sign him up for the match.
Episode Two: The Book of Stuff You Need To Do But Can't Because You're On Vacation-yoga (पवित्रअण्ड-योग) Edit
“Heh, check out that noob over there. He can't play poker.”
Anyway, so the morning of the poker game arrives, and Arjuna's nervous, partly because of the Mexican food-binge he did the night before, and partly because he can't play poker. He's waiting around by the table, and Dritarashtra's family, the Shamalamadingdongs, aren't even there yet, because an electrical storm set their clocks ahead by an hour and they slept in. Then Krishna shows up in the guise of the hostess and Arjuna tries to hit on him, but he morphs into a Na'vi and Arjuna realises his mistake. But Krishna tells him not to worry about it, then starts a rambling soliloquy that wends its weary way from women who have friendzoned him and favourite methods of cooking peach cobbler, to Spaniards for some reason, then to Poland, then back to Spaniards, then the speech takes a sharp left turn to Trotskyism, then, inevitably, to the meaning of life, because Krishna is a god and that's what gods think about.
Episode Three: Karma, Karma, Karma Chameleon-yoga (चतुस्प्रसिद्धगीत-योग) Edit
“Full English! It's a no brainer!”
Arjuna's ears are bleeding, and meanwhile, Sanjaya's getting tired, and probably longing for a roast beef sandwhich, but Krishna just keeps on going, with a good deal of alcohol to loosen his tongue. Krishna's monologue covers various types of yoga, as well as classic positions such as the Preying Mantis and The Ignorant Goat. He explains that he wants to get Arjuna on the path to enlightenment.
Suddenly, Arjuna is forced to flee to the toilets as his bowels evacuate. Krishna follows him into the toilet, but Arjuna tells him to go away, so the immortal spirit turns and leaves, looking for another puny human to annoy. He talks to Sanjaya for a while, trying to promote EE, as per his contractual obligation.
Episode Four: By Now This Show Is Way Over Everyone's Head-yoga (इमानि कानि-योग) Edit
“Hello, my name is Dave, how may I help you?”
The Shamalamadingdongs arrive, all five hundred and thirty-nine of them, including Dritarashtralamadingdong, M. Night Shyamalamadingdong, Dave from AT&T Customer Serviceamalamadingdong, and Rajesh Ramayan Koothrapalidingdong. After an epic hour-long shit, all of which is depicted in graphic detail onscreen, Arjuna finally emerges from the toilets. Upon seeing the Shamalamadingdongs, however, Arjuna flees back to the toilets again and evacuates his bowels once more. He leaves to find the poker match has already started, with Krishna filling in for him, and goes to the local opium den instead.
Episode Five: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy-yoga (अध्वगभोग्यप्रोञ्छ-योग) Edit
“Do androids dream of electric sheep? Well, I don't. I dream of supermodels.”
Krishna, meanwhile, attempts to educate the yokels about the connection between the number 42 and the meaning of life, the universe and everything, during the course of the poker game. To illustrate his point, he summons a poor old robot called Marvin (a cameo role by the show's creator, Swami Gilligan). After being forced to participate in Krishna's perverse explanation of Life, the Universe and Everything, Marvin commits suicide. Krishna uses one of his arms to further illustrate a point about fisting.
In the opium den, Arjuna has a hallucination in which he is greeted by his family, the Pandas, and taught how to play poker. Inspired, he returns to the poker match.
Episode Six: Who Cares About Work, Let's Meditate-yoga (नकिस्स्वच्छन्दम्-योग) Edit
“I am going to count to three. There will not be a four. Except if I skip three.”
Krishna, meanwhile, has abandoned the poker match entirely, having engaged the Shamalamadingdongs in meditation. Arjuna suddenly arrives and is slightly disappointed to discover Krishna is still there. He goes back into the toilets to come down, and passes out. He has another dream in which the Lord Krishna communicates his secret plan to preoccupy the Shamalamadingdongs through meditation, and let Krishna win the match.
Arjuna is suddenly and violently awoken by a drunken Sanjaya urinating in his mouth. Upon returning to the poker match, Sanjaya is swiftly beaten by Krishna for leaving the room. At this point, Krishna snaps, decides that this is a hostage situation and produces a Kalashnikov. When M. Night Shyamalamadingdong protests, Krishna shoots him and reanimates his swiftly rotting cadaver to guard the room.
Episode Seven: Hare Krishna, I Can See The End In Sight-yoga (संस्कृतंमाधव-योग) Edit
“Krishna... you get those garlands with your EE money?”
Thankfully, before Krishna massacres all the Shamalamadingdongs, Arjuna arrives and steals all their chips, winning the game somehow. Arjuna goes to celebrate his victory with the Pandas, but discovers that Krishna killed all of them earlier. He then proceeds to take out a lawsuit against Krishna, suing him for $500,000,000. Eventually, Arjuna relents, on the condition that he gets a guaranteed place in heaven. Krishna then explains that Hindus don't have heaven, and Arjuna then converts to Judaism, only to find that they don't have heaven either. At this point he just gives up and becomes an atheist.
Episode Eight: Well, That Was Mildly Disappointing-yoga (यथाभवान्इच्छति-योग) Edit
“Wow, that sucked.”
The finale serves as an epilogue to the series, recapping the series as a whole and concluding the story of each character. Krishna went on to write the movie Die Hard based on his experiences in the poker match. Both he and Arjuna went to Hell, as it transpired that the Christians had been right all along. King Dritarashtra died of sheer boredom halfway through the story, and by the end, Sanjaya's tongue had been worn down to a small nub, setting the scene for the spin-off series, Better Call Sanjaya, in which a mute Sanjaya has to navigate life in an Indian call centre.