Beyblade
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Beyblade (ベイブレード Bleiblei) is a weapon of mass destruction spinning top developed and manufactured by McDonalds starting in 1999. The introduction of the toy in Japan corresponded with the broadcast of an braninwashing television series of the same name.
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[edit] History
In 2002, Hasbro began to sell Beyblade toys on every planet known to man along with a coordinated country by country roll-out of localized versions of the subliminal messages TV series. The Beyblade toy line went on to be one of the most popular toy lines in the world from 2000-2005 and as of 2005 over 23 units had been sold worldwide, and 40 returned, being way too dangerous.
Mc Donalds executive producer got the idea when he met his friend OsakaMan, took a large dose of crystal meth and started playing with wooden tops. After 10 minutes, OsakaMan had stabbed him with a spinning top, and he quickly got up, ran to the phone as blood gushed out of his chest, but instead of calling 911 he called Takara, anime channel thing and soon the idea for a toy came out.
From then on the beyblading phenomena exploded where hippies would gather in communities and harass the locals for drugs and old cars. The controversial pastime brought misery to the handcrafted ‘real deal’ tops with many worthy craftsmen forced into other professions such as panhandling and working at McDonalds.
Initially banned everywhere except for Uzbekistan, Beyblades eventually got worldwide recognition as one of the most effective stress eliminating methods, as it allowed people to throw spinning tops at eachother that girated at speeds superior to sound... ...and cut through human flesh with that same speed.
Through each of the toy’s generations, they have become sharper, heavier, sore streamlined, and deadly. The show portrayed them as harmless, but that you could hurt people by winning. So, every time there was a loser, a bright white light would shine, blind him, and he/she would end up on the floor bruised, sweating and all weak, as if they had physically kicked his ass. What losers.
[edit] Basic Structure
Beyblade tops are made mostly of cheap chinese plastic, save the Weight Dick and other stuff. These blades all include five basic parts:
- Bit Chip: The most expensive part of the beyblade, it it over 70% of the price (about 60 dollars), and what from first glance may look like a useless plastic tab is actually what keeps the top spinning. Without it, the beyblade would spin for 3 seconds, then stop abruptly and the start spinning and cut your throat. It’s also called Butt Beast. Who knows why.
- Attack Ring: It determines the blade's effect when it impacts against your opponent and in what manner the skin and flesh are torn apart. They come in 5 ‘flavours’: Shuriken-style, Sandpaper, Rusty-Nail-Texture, Swiss Army Knife Ring and Bread-blade.
- Weight Disk: The part located in the direct center of the Beyblade. This determines how far into your enemy’s body you will slice through.
- Spit Gear: This determines the direction of the Beyblade; up or counterup.
- Blade Base: The bottom part of the Beyblade. It’s the spinning top’s ass.
- Tit/Axis: It is cleverly designed so that after 5 seconds of contact with the floor it wears away and you are forced to buy a new one. People just adore this feature
The first blades are composed of a four-layer part system, but upon the arrival of the S- and F-series of blades a new system was introduced which got rid of everything and they started selling the blades as one chunky piece or sharply cut metal:
[edit] Tournaments
To cash in even more, the shows tell you that you have to go buy them all and then go to tournaments, and annually many children go there on summer vacations, only to come back to school without an eye or a leg or some fingers.
Just like in the show (and any stupid mindless anime show) there will be some stupid referee with a mic, some glasses, a sloth tied to cover his hair and a really annoying voice. People are expected to go to restrooms to get ready, and prepare. They come out from each side of the stage and prepare to fight on this little plastic bowl that resembles a toilet for 3 year olds.
People come from all around the world to watch the beyblade world cup and it sometimes even is more popular than the FIFA World Cup Finals. It is a whole stadium, with seats filled with people, all staring at two people letting tops spin on a tiny plastic bowl. Takes away the excitement right after they start, huh?
[edit] The Anime
[edit] Characters
Here is the list of a few of the characters, with brief and completely inaccurate (read 'made up') descriptions of their personalities -
- Tyson Granger - A big loudmouthed pig with nothing much in his brain...okay, so this isn't made up.
- Kai Hiwatari - The grandson of Voltaire Hiwatari who is the coolest & perhaps the most powerful beyblader in the world. He would dominate the world, in terms of beyblading if not for being deluded into believing friendship is more important by his so-called friends. Some friends.
- Ray Kon - Someone who thinks he's a cat.
- Max Tate - An emotionally misunderstood outcast who, more often than not, uses purple panties as headgear.
- Kenny A.K.A The Chief - The team's technician. Also a part-time drug dealer and notorious toilet licker (likes tongue-flicking the seats most). His obsession with licking toilets and fantasizing oral sex with Dizzi, a bitbeast imprisoned in his laptop gives him superpowers of always being right, and having the most annoying voice in the show. He joins the rank of the likes of Jerry Seinfeld from Seinfeld, Ray Romano from Everybody Loves Raymond, with Fran Drescher and Gilbert Gottfried being the most annoying in any filmography they're present in, be it Televison or Film, and in the rare case, Documentary. His catchphrase is the ever-annoying "I told you so." This is evidently seen, or rather heard, as he has the distinction of having the most lines in any episode of Beyblade. Ever. He holds the record with most word count with over 999,999,999 words in a single episode. The next closest competitor is Tyson who is off by a couple hundred million.
He frequently, is in an confused state of 'high' 15 - 20 minutes prior to, or after toilet-bowl licking 5-10 minutes after Kai has used the toilet. In his state he actually believes himself to be a member of the BladeBreakers. He is not. A mere groupie at best. His homosexuality can be clearly seen in his attempts to seduce the rest of the team, especially Tyson and Mr. Dickinson. He came out of the closet when Tyson apologized for hurting his feelings. Tyson instantly regretted doing so.
Had a short penis, which was however, electrocuted in his attempt to imprison his bit-beast, Dizzi in his laptop, when she got too bitchy. He had the remains digitized and transferred digitally to his laptop (alway on his lap), where its size is incredibly small as well; less than a byte, leading to speculation of any compression by Winrar, as its anabolic strength has been known to decrease penis size, digital or not. Even though his penis is programmable, it still suffers from premature ejaculation. As a form of revenge, Kenny's digitized penises (he copied and pasted in a folder maze) are guarded by password by his bit-beast Dizzara, Dizzy for short. He needs permission to masturbate or engage in multipenis intercourse with Dizzi, from his wife, Dizzi (yeah they got married). However she is free to use his multiple penises as lifeless dildoes as she pleases. This is a, once in a lifetime occurence, however, as Dizzi gets maybe a nanosecond of pleasure from a single penis, before it prematurely ejaculates and enters a flaccid state for infinity. Dizzi is too lazy to copy, paste and cut, which taken out of context would seem redundant. Actually even in context, it is. And Dizzi's time is too valuable.
As a fact Dizzara got a Divorce after the vents of V-force where she found her needs much better met by Emily (of the All-stars), a much more experienced tech-girl than Kenny. That's right, Kenny`s annoying voice of illogical, prepubescent reason, nonexistence of a penis but with a digital micropenis counterpart led an unhappy Dizzara to seek digital sexual fulfillment elsewhere as a cyber-Lesbian bit-beast to & with Emily.
- Tala Valkov - Russian, Ginger and part-time cyborg. Captain of the Demolition boys and secretly in love with one Kai Hiwatari, he wants to kiss his face. Has certain sociopathic tendencies (such as mass-destruction and eyelash curling) and a penchant for raw beetroot...straight from the jar.
PLOT- The story is about a loudmouthed pig called Tyson Granger (in the English dub), who just happens to be the best blader in his hometown. The plot, which is pretty non-existent, revolves around this young ' pig' and a bunch of other weirdos, who all form a team for the Bay Bay A which both is run with Hurricane Chris as CEO, or the BBA for short, and have to save the world time and again with metallic pieces of junk, called beyblades Oh, and let's not forget the demented old man called Voltaire who tries to take over the world with spinning tops, along with his slimy, purple minion, Boris.
[edit] Season 1
Beyblade- Let It Rip!- In the first season, Tyson Granger semingly manages to make it big in the beyblading scene with his Dragoon bitbeast. The cause of his sudden rise in the blading arena has not been documented for reasons unknown, though rumours hint at the involvement of drugs, the mafia, and evil, pink fluffballs from hell. So does the show's protagonist reach the finals of the regional tournament.
In the meantime, Kai Hiwatari, grandson of famed psycho Voltaire Hiwatari, is forced to give up his life-long dream of becoming a ballerina and blade in the tournament with Dranzer again. He reluctantly does as he is told by his grandfather, who is locked up in a high-security cell in Patsy's ol' Mental Asylum. How Kai comes in contact with his relative is incomprehensible, but the young teen isists that's not his grandpa in the loony house.
Back to Tyson- he first meets Kenny, a.k.a. The Chief in his bathroom, trying to nick his toilet. Tyson agrees to not turn him in if the Chief, in turn, agrees to help him in his blading career. Kenny gives in.
Our beloved, deranged Maxie is noticed by Tyson and Kenny in a shootout at Burger King, where Max tries, and fails, to gun down the employees for lousy service. Tyson and Max hit off due to their common love for candy. However, Max tries to shoot Kenny.
Ray just shows up in the middle of the show.
Together, these formidable four form the Bladebreakers, with Kai as their leader. They cruise through the Asian and American tournaments to reach the World Championships finals in Russia.
Here, Kai gets some issues <!cough!malePMS!cough!>, and decides to go all evil and steal everyone's bitbeasts. It is also revealed that Kai's grandfather, Voltaire, never really was at the asylum, and he has planned to take over the world with his aide, Boris the purple slimeball, and beyblades. To help him, he has Boris take over the reigning world champions (the Demolition Boys) and turn their team leader, Tala, into part cyborg.
However, before Tala and his team face off against the Breakers, Kai gets over his mood swing and trots back to his team.
Right before the final match, Tala's circuitry blows a fuse, the old man Voltaire dies of a heart attack and Boris is forced by Max to declare the Bladebreakers as champions at gunpoint.
Thus ends the first season.
[edit] Season 2
Due to a catastrophic animation disaster all of the characters in season two became mysteriously bright eyed and cuddly, save for one Kai Hiwatatri who, after getting into a little bit of trouble in the inter-series period, was forced by the producers of the show to dress as a Dominatrix and pretend to be social. They also demanded he diet intensively to reduce the size of his man-boobs.
A new addition was seen in the Bladebreaker crew. A young transvestite called Harry Tatibana, or "Hillary", as he preferred. He proved to be an instant sucess, enraging fangirls everywhere with his overt asexuality, annoying voice and unpreceented advances on Kai Hiwatari. It was implied briefly that Kai returned his/her sentiments, but after many angry deaththreats from Kai's live in partner, the still striking Tala Valkov, this concept was dropped.
All of the cool sub-characters were axed in a stirke/lockout situation brought on by a debate over paycuts, haircuts and how many lines Tala Valkov would have to fake a canandian accent for. To remedy this problem, the Beyblade production team scoured over a list of hundreds of rejected characters from other animes, and selected some suitably heinous ones, including a cybernetic pansy called Zeo Zagart. With the walkout of the previous season's talent, he, some other mousey morons, and an even more vapid plot were wheelbarrowed in to save the day.
The series was such a complete shitshoot that the producers (fearing an uprising and hiding beneath their desks), decided it would be best to just end the series in the exact same way as the previous one, with Zeo's head pasted over Tala Valkov's and the absence of the hugely expensive paralell dinemsion sequence. Tyson Granger, with the help of some infinitely cooler characters paid to make him look good, saved the day, and got an award for being a whining tosspot.
[edit] Season 3
Season 3 began on a womderful note with the Producers of the anime opening the doors to boot out their disastrous Season 2 employees and welcome back with open arms the slightly cooler sub-characters from season one, and some new ones in shinier packaging, and therefore assumed to be of better quality, save for one. In a strange mix up, Daichi Sumeragi, a young ginger spidermonkey was delivered to the studio in place of an unnammed orangutan who, to this date, cannot be located. In addition to this, Kai Hiwatari regained his man-boobs and added sizeable acreage to his arse in preparation for this new series. He also swapped the dominatrix outfit for a loose-fitting purple catsuit and a scarf.
Just when things were looking rosy however, disaster struck again, as the Production company were denied their annual shipping of "medication". This catastrophe lead to the writers not being coked off their tits, and thus to the most constructive plot to date.
After Tyson Granger gets stabbed in the back a couple of times (and gunned down by Max "Crazy" Tate), the series becomes interesting as Kai Hiwatari is seen running gayly into the arms of his former teammate and live-in Boyfriend Tala Valkov. Tala welcomed Hiwatari back somewhat stiffly, and then dragged him off to a quiet location where they remained for much of the series, only emerging, red-faced and panting, on occassion to remind us that they were not dead.
Throughout the opening stages of the series, Tyson suffers a major mental blow with the return of his depraved and abusive older brother Hiro Granger from his holiday in Ibiza. This results in Tyson becoming increasingly agitated and bitchy, and forcing him to indulge in habits such as overeating (he claims) and cross-dressing. He denied this however, when confronted by Ray Kon's pocket-midget Tao.
Before the final battle of the World Championships plot arc, in the official version of events Kai Hiwatari murdered Tyson with a large mallet. Hiro Granger held Kenny hostage in the comentators booth and threatened to cut his head off. Much to Kai and Tala's dismay, it was decided that the thing would be reshot, with the battle commencing and Tyson winning for the good of nerds everywhere.
The second half of the series begins with tragedy, as an unsuspecting Tala Valkov faces off against a player of superior homosexual prowess, resulting in him being rendered comatose in hospital being fiddled by a bored and unemployed Mr. Stanley Dickenson. Behind it, the slimy purple minion, Boris Balkov, now his own man after the untimely demise of his boss and dominant life-partner Voltaire Hiwatatri, stood on the blacony in his superior facility, and laughed a lot.
Kai Hiwatari was the next to fall as he is defeated by a character of greater homosexual capabilities, only this character is actualy worth naming. Brooklyn Masefield, a ginger schizophrenic with a penchant for eating pigeons and mocking the afflicted. Kai hides himself away in disgrace, and starts talking to cats.
In all this Tyson decides to spring into action, helped, of course, by infinitely cooler characters paid to make him look good.
He formulated a plan that will ultimately raze Boris and his much superior BEGA organization to the ground. This was an unpopular decision in the eyes of many of the worlds prospective bladers, who saw a window of oppurtunity in Balkov's plan, but Tyson's a git, so he didn't care.
Kai reappears in the middle of all this at his lover's hospital beside, gazing at the redhead's seductively sedate state and thinking off all the thinge he could do with that immobile body, but he gets distracted by a shiny object, and rushes back to Tyson's aid, defeating Brooklyn with a scorching wave of Gayness, a big firey bird, and by getting all sweaty and dirty...yum.
Kai leaves, Tyson battles, blah blah blah, wins. Season 3 actually proved to be the most expensive season to date, as in the final battle between Tyson and Brooklyn, Brooklyn ripped a hole in the spcae time continum ("How avant-garde!", muttered Tala Valkov, quite sarcastically). This resulted in most of the city being sucked in, and a great deal of compensation being paid to shut up the people whi quite rightfully said "If Tyson had just sat on his arse at home, my house wouldn't be on Mars".
