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Article-2168599-13EB23A5000005DC-877 634x441

The bus stop.

Bexhill-on-Sea, (or Bexhell-on-Sea, as it is locally known), is a small hermit town on the Sussex coast with a population of around 41,000. It is situated between two larger towns. Hastings, The United Kingdom's largest cesspool, is located to the East, and Eastbourne, famous for being so depressing that the locals congregate in their masses to off themselves off nearby Beachy Head, is located to the West. There are a few places in between, but nobody really cares.

edit History


Gilbert Sackville:Took to driving like a duck to water.Drowned

The town of Bexhill was born as a result of a drunken bet in the year 772 between King Offa of Mercia and Bishop Oswald. King Offa bet that Oswald couldn't down a pint of ale before the flame on a burning metre of toilet paper affixed to the Bishop's bottom reached his holy cheeks. The Bishop took the King up on his bet. He downed the pint and extinguished the flame - thus claiming victory. As a result, King Offa granted the Bishop land on a hill in Bexhill to build a church in recognition of his achievement. The town then officially came into existence, but King Offa was still bitter about losing the bet. In a childish instance of one-upmanship, he stole the reliquary box from the church whilst Oswald was drinking with his mates Geoffrey and Roger in the nearby Bell Hotel. Today, only the lid of the reliquary remains.


Traffic busy time.

In May 1902, Gilbert Sackville, The 8th Earl De La Warr, was smashed off his bonce and decided it would be hilarious to rig a motor up to a shopping trolley and ride it along the sea front. A few other people followed his idea, and as a result, Bexhill hosted the first organised motor race in Britain. For this reason, Bexhill is credited as being the birthplace of British motor racing. Soon, people would converge on Bexhill with motor cars and race them along the sea front. This used to be commemorated annually at an event called the Bexhill 100, where rich folks from more affluent areas would drive their expensive classic cars down to Bexhill to dangle in front of the faces of the locals who were too poor to earn anything better than a clapped out Ford Cortina. Unfortunately, this tradition came to end after the event became overly commercialised coupled with the fact that local children were seen stealing the dust caps off a vintage Aston Martin.

edit Places of Interest

edit The Pier

Bexhill is noted for being remarkably astute with regards to pier construction by choosing never to build one. This proved to be the correct thing to do as other seaside towns in the area burned down their respective piers once they realised how crap they were.

edit The De La Warr Pavilion

Uk delawarrpavilion 2010 005

The old need to sunbathe to loosen up their limbs.

In lieu of a pier, Bexhill is instead home to the De La Warr Pavilion. Built in 1935 and opened by the Duke and Duchess of York (Later King George VI and Queen Elizabeth), the pavilion has played host to many productions and plays over the years. The building is considered to be so unsightly that in 1941, Adolf Hitler ordered the pavilion to be destroyed. This was because in the event of a successful invasion, Hitler intended to make Bexhill his capital city. The plot resulted in failure as the German pilots mistakenly bombed the nearby Metropole Hotel instead, and the pavilion only sustained minor damage. In modern times, the pavilion has taken a further nosedive by becoming a dumping ground for hipsters and pretentious art types to dump their unwanted creations. This phenomenon occurs because literally nowhere else would take them.

edit The Manor Barn Gardens

The Manor Barn Gardens in the old town is a popular gathering location for local teenagers to drink cans of cider and shout at passers by. Additionally, the Manor Barn car park is the location of a toilet block which is a popular cottaging spot.

edit Old People


Bexhill believes children come last when it is about accessing the local beaches.

Bexhill has a vast number of old people, and with 66 centenarians, Bexhill is known for having the highest percentage of residents aged over 100 years old in the UK. In an effort to level out the disparity between the age demographics, a government funded initiative is in place that pays women from local council estates to breed profusely in order to create more young people for the town. Unfortunately, they didn't seem to get the memo about quality over quantity.

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