Bette Davis
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[edit] In the Beginning
Bette Davis was born to a poor farmer and his transgender wife. Rumor has it that after Bette was born, she ripped out her own umbilical cord. This feat of raw newborn strength would be a constant theme in her life. Her father made a huge profit from sending Bette into weight-lifting shows. He even made enough money for his wife to get a sex change.
[edit] Child Dictator
It was not long before Bette became the dominant member of her family. She had constant fits of violence and her first father couldn't make her lift weights anymore. She joined Lil' Hitler's Dictator School and graduated with the highest of honors. Upon finding out that her mother was a man, she punched a hole in the sidewalk outside her home. She eventually made friends with the other dictators at the school and it wasn't long before they conquered the world.
[edit] Dictator Davis
Bette became the supreme ruler of Earth. Her life from this point on was basically making Earth a living hell. She created contradicting laws and stuff like that. She had many rebels offed secretly. But one rebel stood up to her. He was known only as Ratman. His identity was never discovered, but he planned a hugely popular assassination attempt on Bette.
[edit] Film "Career"
Bette enjoyed a brief and mildly successful foray into the film industry. Her over-the-top performances in sappy women's melodramas achieved her status among Hollywood's real talents as 'Queen Ham'.
Some examples of Bette's poorest acting can be seen in Of Whorish Bondage (1934); The Putrid Forest (1936); Jezebel: the Bette Davis Story (1938); Dark Dictatory (1939); The Sordid Letter (1940); All This And Shagging Too (1940); The Bride Came Q.U.I.C.K (1942); The Man Who Came Quick (1942); Now, Voyager (1942) -alternately titled Ugly Ducklings Stay That Way on release in Minsk; Sex Acquaintance (1943); Contraception (1946); All About Steve (1950), and of course the infamous What Ever Happened To Baby Bette?, where Bette performed a cameo appearance as herself opposite great Hollywood actress, Joan Crawford (the 'ultimate movie star').
[edit] Foiled
Ratman's assassination attempt had been foiled, but not before he killed many of Bette's friends. It is said that Bette cornered him in her office and stuck a piano wire through his eye, but this part of the story is controversial.
[edit] Riots
After Ratman was killed, the citizens of the world protested in the streets. There were so many, that Bette couldn't shut them all up and, one night, several rebels broke into her house and dragged her out. She was set on fire and lynched. As her flaming corpse was lowered from the rope, people the world over cried for joy.
[edit] Ding Dong the Bitch is Dead
Bette Davis is buried in an unnamed cemetery (the same cemetery as Oscar Wilde, Jimmy Hoffa, and Spuds Mackenzie). The anniversary of her death is celebrated on...oh who am I kidding, you don't really care anymore do you?
[edit] Oscar Wilde
"Bette Davis was a cold-hearted bitch and I'm glad she's dead...hey wait, so am I." -Oscar Wilde
