From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“I have faith in Bernie never to shaft me.”
“The only Jew I ever trusted.”
Bernard Lawrence "Bernie" Madoff (born April 29, 1938) is a former philanthropist and current political prisoner in the United States of America.
Accused of spurious and frankly ludicrous financial crimes (Mr Madoff, an acknowledged financial superstar, had already gone on the record for CNN saying crimes such as the one he was falsely accused of were literally impossible to get away with for any significant length of time), then pressured into making a nonsensical guilty plea by corrupt officials, Mr Madoff's very reasonable defence of "Fuck 'em" was ignored by everyone. He is currently serving an effective life-sentence in the Butner Federal Correctional Institution.
Numerous pressure groups hold "Free Bernie" rallies in Washington every month.
edit The Early Days
Madoff was born in New York to Jewish parents. It is said that those with good hearing could faintly make out a ceremonious trumpet chorus from the clouds within minutes of his birth no matter where they were in the world. Madoff's father was both a plumber and a stockbroker during a long career, making him doubly expert on liquidity.
Madoff was determined to follow in his successful father's footsteps, but he soon realized he had no aptitude for pipework.
edit The Good Days
Fortunately, by the young age of 22, it became clear that Madoff was a truly gifted investor, the likes of which the world will likely never see again. The Feds didn't understand his genius. His peers could only gape at his numbers month-on-month with scarcely disguised penis-envy. He seemed to have the ability to conjure money from thin air. Of course, this is patently impossible, as money is made from precious metals or special paper. Madoff would happily explain his successful methods of creating heaps of the stuff to anyone who'd listen, but literally nobody was intelligent enough to grasp it.
He once held a three-day seminar, with graphs, whiteboards and cheese-and-pineapple-chunks on sticks, and invited 500 of the world's top investors to hear his methodology. He spoke for 6 hours a day, and therefore lectured for 18 hours. The brain patterns of those bankers were scanned as they entered and exited the conference room, and not a single one registered as having understood a single one of Madoff's theories, clearly and indisputably showing how unbelievably ahead of his time he truly was.
Clients flocked to him, as he promised essentially double the return on investment they could get elsewhere. He also had the best range in novelty bobble-head key chains of any major investment manager, a factor many now acknowledge as crucial to his early success.
During this successful part of his life, he supported millions of charities and good-causes, sat on thousands of finance-related committees and attended dozens of Gala Dinners. He additionally gave loose change to a homeless man on no fewer than one occasion.
In his last happy year, 2006, or as Madoff more succinctly refers to it, "Before the Government got jealous", he was personally worth an estimated 18 billion dollars. Furthermore, he was managing 57 billion dollars of other people's money.
edit The Bad Days
In late 2007, a few of Madoff's customers asked to free up some of their money. Not much, just a piffling 7 billion dollars or so.
Regrettably, the just-beginning credit crunch was affecting Madoff as much as anybody. Perhaps rather more than most. As he said to them:
“The timing is all wrong Abdul...sorry, Shiek Mansour. Give me 12 more months and I'll quadruple your money. Fuck...I'll QUINTUPLE your money! Surely the new international hub airport you want to build in Dubai can wait?”
Throughout 2008, some of his clients became increasingly tetchy about their life-savings. Accusations were made, and the word "Monster" was even being bandied about. This came to a head in December. Before we get to that, the reasonable steps Madoff took to address the concerns of his clients are presented below, and the reader can draw their own conclusions as to whether this man is a "monster" or not:
- He said, on more than one occasion, "The check's in the post."
- He also repeatedly reminded them "Mr Madoff isn't in right now. Please leave a message."
- He lent one of his clients $20 to get a taxi to "Suicide Cliff"
If they are the actions of a monster, are we not all Monsters? (Contributed by Minx Louise from the Free Bernie Pressure Group #9: The Minxy Maids Of Madoff)
On December 9th 2008, Madoff admitted to his son that he could not meet his financial obligations, and that the only solution was bankruptcy.
On December 10th 2008, Madoff took the obvious and quite sensible and responsible action of paying out $173,000,000 in bonuses two months early (essentially on the spot), as having that money in the account just made the liquidator's job that much harder. The bonuses were deserved rewards for the hard work, loyalty and integrity of his sons, his wife and, quite fairly so, himself.
On December 11th 2008, Bernie Madoff was arrested and charged with "Securities Fraud" (an essentially made-up crime so the diligent, patriotic public think National Security has been threatened when in reality it is a ever-so-teensy liquidity problem).
The FEDs alleged, bizarrely, that Madoff was running a Ponzi Scheme, where old investors were paid with new investor's money only and that no genuine mechanisms for generating profit were being used. This claim is absurd: didn't Madoff himself tell them three years earlier that such a scheme would be impossible to hide and they shouldn't even look for it? As you can see, the government's case was flimsy at best.
Nevertheless, in a sham trial, Bernie Madoff, looking tired and anguished, pleaded guilty. Why would someone plead guilty to trumped up crime's with an eye-wateringly long sentence of 150 years waiting? We leave you to decide. (Some theories have been muted: cattle-prod to the balls, hot poker rammed up the ass, waterboarding with Yak urine, forced to watch "She's All That" repeatedly...standard US Government techniques)
The judge completed the travesty by unsurprisingly handing down the maximum sentence, 150 years. A global financial crisis claimed another good man as a scapegoat. And in the mighty US of A, they called it justice.
“We call upon our friends in the USA to free all political prisoners, such as Bernie Madoff, and end government interference with the judiciary.”
edit The "Don't Drop The Soap" Days
Madoff famously wrote to his daughter-in-law from prison, stating:
“They call me either Uncle Bernie or Mr. Madoff. I can't walk anywhere without someone shouting their greetings and encouragement, to keep my spirit up. It's really quite sweet, how concerned everyone is about my well being, including the staff ... It's much safer here than walking the streets of New York.”
This letter was subsequently left on a radiator, and a second message written in invisible ink (presumed to be semen, possibly Madoff's, possibly not) appeared:
My dearest daughter-in-law, my only hope,
I can't even explain how terrible it really is. There's a man here who calls himself "Rammer" and I've had to become his bitch to survive. He sneaks into my cell before lockup and says "I'm going in dry." Nothing else, just that. And I've been told that if I don't pull down my underwear and "present" to him when he says it, he'll cut my ears off with one of the prison knives. They're so blunt they couldn't cut milk!
And when he's "going in dry", sometimes (not every time, but some) he says "I need to donkey punch you to make it hard", all matter-of-factly. Then he punches me in the back of my head, brutally, over and over again. Sometimes I pass out. Those are the better times. If I pass out, I don't hear him say "Clean it", and he occasionally leaves me to sleep.
When its not Rammer, it's Guard Johnson. He's married but a closet homosexual. He likes sticking his truncheon in the prisoner's asses and mouths. I'm not singled out here, but I'm on the roster. He gets a group of 8 - 10 of us up at 2AM and marches us into the canteen. Each night, you are either a Bender or a Sucker. It seems almost surreal to find myself ranking them...Bender. I prefer to be a Bender.
Leaving aside the fact that my ass now looks like the pocket on a pool-table and all I taste these days is human excrement, I have also fallen foul of the Foreskin Gang, named because they all have foreskins. I, through no fault of my own, do not. This has apparently become an excuse to knock food trays out of my hands during lunch, slap me on the back of the head (my poor bruised head) in the yard and say to me "Bernie Madoff with all the money." Do they not know how old that joke is?
Please, campaign hard for me. And get the Minxes to send me another set of nude pictures: I can trade them for protection.
Your loving father-in-law,
SHIT HE'S COMING
edit Free Bernie Pressure Groups
A list of the known Free Bernie pressure groups is given below:
1) "Bears Who Love Bernie", for hairy, chubby gay men, Polar Bears, Grizzly Bears and Brown Bears. Black Bears admitted at leader's discretion. No Pandas.
2) "Madoff's Martyrs", for those who would die for the cause.
3) "Merry Wives Of Madoff", for super-optimistic gold-diggers.
4) "Jews United". Because Jews are united.
5) "Protest Brigade", if you don't give a shit about the cause but you love to march, wave badly-written placards and chant marginally-witty slogans loudly.
6) "Madoff Is Sexy And We'd Let Fuck Him Fuck Us Til We're Raw". Enough said.
7) "Everything The Government Does Sucks", for those who think...you get it.
8) "I'm A Closet Nazi", if his heritage gets your goat and you want him released so you can beat him shitless whilst shouting "Sieg Heil!".
9) "The Minxy Maids Of Madoff", because I referenced it earlier.
10) "I Was Paid By Madoff's Son To Wave This Placard", is obvious.