Bernhard Riemann

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Bernhard Riemann.
“He is a living example of the fact that genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent masturbation”
~ Oscar Wilde on Riemann's funeral
“He made the calls. I got laid”
~ Albert Einstein on the influence of Riemann's ideas on his relatively modest work
“I am ever more convinced that the necessity of our geometry cannot be proved- at least not by human reason for human reason”
~ Carl Friedrich Gauss on defending Riemann's PhD thesis in the capacity of his doctoral advisor

Bernhard Riemann was a bit of a smartarse during the 1800s. Not many people remember him, but those that do are probably not the sort of people you'd want to hang out with. His most famous work was merely an hypothesis, a random thought that occurred to him whilst masturbating in the bathtub one sunday evening.

Birth and early childhood

There is a huge debate among historians regarding the exact place of Riemann's birth. It was earlier believed that he was born in Germany but unsure scientific methods like DNA testing seem to indicate that he was actually born in an Taiwanese brothel. After ten years of fleeing from Russian creditors Riemann's family settled in bankrupt Germany. It is unanimously agreed that it was these traumatic childhood experiences for which Riemann developed a keen interest for masturbation at a tender age. Recently a guy called Sigmund Freud is keen on establishing that this might have something to do with the large-breasted babysitter who was called upon frequently to look after Riemann during his parents prolonged trips to Vegas. However, this theory is completely ignored in scientific and mathematical circles. One day, having come home early Riemann's mother caught him masturbating on their marriage bed. After a long discussion with his father it was decided that Riemann would attend school from the next day.

At school, young Riemann found no interest in any subject but was always very interested in his teachers. After a week, he was expelled from school for masturbating in the classroom. His ashamed parents disowned him and sent him to work in an underwear factory. This was the turning point of Riemann's life. It was pure torture for him to help in the process of curbing man's freedom behind shameful folds of brightly coloured cloth. Every part of his being rebelled against it and after one night of violent masturbation he came up with his famous hypothesis.

Riemann's hypothesis

By the next morning, Riemann had formulated his idea in strictly mathematical terms. The hypothesis as stated back then: “The probability of a Mathematician getting his paper published in a reputed journal is directly proportional to the hours he spent masturbating while writing the paper”. This was the original statement of the hypothesis but Riemann displayed his acumen by using a lot of scary symbols, making it sound critically important. Initially, the hypothesis created a storm of debates and heated arguments and it seemed as if the whole Mathematical world was divided into two hostile camps. While one group was keen on finding a “non-trivial hero” i.e. a person who could publish a paper without resorting to masturbation while the other group issued pamphlets on the non existence of this hero and collecting funds to kill off any prospective candidate for the first group.

Rise to fame and subsequent research

It was with this hypothesis that Riemann gained fame. His further work on Riemann integration, topology and analysis was well appreciated by the mathematical world. Since it was too difficult to understand the general opinion remained that it was something brilliant. By this time he had mastered the art of making simple things sound incredibly difficult so when he said something like, "therefore the reality on which our space is based must form a discrete manifold or else the reason for the metric relationships must be sought for, externally.." - what he meant really was,"My, My That girl! She sure has some curves. I'd give anything to have a piece of that ass".

Death and evaluation of work after death

During his visit to Italy, Riemann issued a pamphlet denouncing the sale of under-wears to teenagers. This caught the attention of the Mafia. Seeing that his parallel business might suddenly collapse on account of Riemann's popularity, he secretly got him killed. The news of Riemann's untimely death caused a great deal of mourning in the mathematical world and initiated a new movement towards the better understanding of his theorems.

Recently a leaked e-mail by prominent American Mathematician L.E. Dickson seems to have caused a great deal of furore in Mathematical circles. He claims that though his honeymoon was a success he sadly managed to get only three papers published in that interval. Underground mathematical cults have claimed that this could have volatile and far-reaching implications on Riemann's hypothesis. But the best work on Riemann's hypothesis, till date is generally attributed Paris Hilton. A young and intelligent mathematician, Miss Hilton has managed to prove with the help of illustrative examples that Riemann's hypothesis continues to hold even if you prefer your left hand to your right.

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