Bernard Manning
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“I'm not saying my mother-in-law is fat - because she is of reasonable size, and I care about her and her self-image.”
~ Bernard Manning on his mother-in-law
“A hero has died. Now where am I supposed to get my material from? ”
~ Jim Davidson on Bernard Manning's death
“Bernard Manning died in hospital earlier today. His condition was described as 'satisfactory'”
“It was a black day for comedy, which he wouldn't have approved of.”
~ Jimmy Carr on Barnard Manning's death(Note: that this was said on either 8 out of 10 cats, or that Big Fat quiz of the year bollocks, so it's safe to say that this was written for him. End of note)
Finding fame in the 1970s Bernard Manning MBE was a comedian[citation needed] and one of the last people who genuinely considered that his repetitive racist drone and 'salt of the earth' Mancunian whine placed him at the forefront of British humour. He achieved mainstream success in The United States of Emerica surprisingly. Many (well, mainly that Racist bigot Jim Davidson) have described Manning as a British hero, a national treasure and someone England could be proud of - "a man up there with the likes of Winston Churchill".
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[edit] Biography
From his 1974 autobiography Four White Men and A Darkie In An Alley "If I had to describe myself I would put ‘White’ on a form probably because I am attempting to be politically correct. I would say I am absolutely White. You know, I am not Scottish or Irish. They are exceedingly dissimilar, very dissimilar indeed. There is no point in pretending that I am other than White. I am quintessentially White in a lot of respects but I suppose I would be forced to say I was 'human' because I would feel that it was the politically correct thing to do. I consider my White skin colour as a significant boundary or point of demarcation regarding the recent questions of my ethnic and racial status as a flabby slab of pork"
[edit] Early Life
On the 30 January 1933 Manning was born weighing in at 3 stone 4 ounces. Manning’s mother claimed that she was in fact unaware of her pregnancy and believed that she was battling a nine month case of flatulence that explained the massive distention of her abdomen. When her waters finally broke and proceeded into labour she maintained to her husband that she had simply "fuckin’ gone an’ pissed me self, ‘int I!". Complaining of a relentless pain in her arse she demanded that she be driven to the hospital immediately where she grumbled to the medical staff “I think I got a really fat turd comin ‘ere doctor, I thor’ it were jus’ wind but it’s probably a huge shit I’m ‘avin!”. When Manning was delivered and handed over to his mother she exclaimed “Oi! this poo ‘int brown it’s fookin’ white and alive! …. I think I’ll call 'im Bernard”.
In school Manning enjoyed playing practical jokes on his teachers and demonstrated traits that would later form the basis of his adult career, as on one occasion, recalled in his 1983 autobiography A Coon, A Paki and a Coon Go Into A Pub, the young Bernard was nearly expelled for painting all the blackboards white claiming "I couldn’t fookin' see the white through all that fookin' black could I". Attempting to establish a career as a ballet dancer and abstract poet philosopher, his life was set to change when he was heckled and attacked one night during a performance of L'après-midi d'un Faune at the local working mens club, a disgruntled audience member threw a copy of Mein Kampf that hit Manning on the head leaving him concussed and dazed. Coming to, he decided to take the hefty tome with him and upon reading it Manning embarked upon espousing his social cogitations the very next day.
[edit] National Service
Like many young men of his generation Manning voluntarily signed up for a compulsory tenure of National Service at the age of 14. Whilst traveling the far-flung outposts of the Empire, Manning held little thought of entertainment as a career, until his national service resulted in his posting to Africa. To pass the time, Manning began to spout barrack room jokes to entertain the Coons and Wogs. His early success led him to put shows on at the weekends when he began to charge admittance and when audiences did not decrease, he then realised that there was the possibility of exploiting money from "Coon" jokes.
[edit] Untimely Death
Bernard died aged 76 in June 2007 of kidney failure in Manchester General Hospital, where his condition was described as satisfactory.
A month after his death, something black and 10 miles long appeared across Manchester. It was soon identified as the queue to piss on Bernard Manning's grave.
[edit] Quotes about Bernard Manning
“Is there no beginning to this man's talents?”
~ Most People on Bernard Manning
“You are what you eat.....I've eaten so many fat cunts you wouldn't believe”
“Another racist piece of shit bites the dust. I hope that honky cracker burns in Hell!”
~ Darcus Howe on Bernard Manning
“He truly was a fat ugly cunt and I'm glad he snuffed it”
~ Chubby Brown on Bernard Manning
“I quite liked him as our acts were basically the same. Racist and about as funny as having bowel cancer. Its a shame he wasn't a nigger”
~ Chris Rock on Bernard Manning
“He was a God. A comic God. He was the sort of man that makes me proud to be British. He was a bit too wishy-washy liberal on the darkies, the pakis and the poofs, but nobody's perfect.”
~ Jim Davidson on Bernard Manning
“Bernard Manning's brand of racist humour was about as funny as a preachy internet page feebily designed to mock him in the name of comedy.”
~ Mum-Ra on In Living Mummery
[edit] See Also
Barmy British Stuff 
